PPOM - I Hate Crumpets

I hate crumpets.

If you don’t think this is a Potentially Problematic Opinion, let me tell you I’ve nearly lost friends over this. Hell, I probably just lost 3 readers. I’ve had twitter wars about this opinion. My internet friends call it “crumpetgate”.

You see the problem is that people just can’t accept that they’ve been brainwashed. There’s nothing delicious about crumpets. They are about as undelicious as a breakfast can be, and yet the masses run to the defence of these circles of disappointment without hesitation. Already, you crumpet lovers are constructing your rebuttals: “you just haven’t had them cooked right, Lizzy”, “you should give them another try, Lizzy,” “there’s something wrong with your taste buds, Lizzy.” I’ve heard them all before, but on this, I shall not be moved.

Crumpets taste like… I can’t even describe it… ‘sadness’ is the first word that comes to mind, and then ‘holey’. Why are crumpets filled with little holes? The texture is all wrong. There are so many more delicious breakfast options, why must we continue with this farce?

And then there’s the messiness of them. You’ve toasted it, put your condiments on it, and now you have to try and eat it. It’s round, so where do you bite first? And it’s hot, so how do you even hold it? And then of course… the condiment starts to drip; suddenly you are being scalded by hot melted butter and/or honey. It’s a betrayal. No breakfast should harm you in such a way. Why do you allow yourselves to be so badly treated by food? Crepes would never do such a thing. Haloumi has never once tried to burn me.

And then we have this guy.

How can crumpet lovers accept the crumpet man?

He’s a crumpet. And he’s licking his lips. About crumpets. He’s not just a cannibal. He’s trying to sell his own people to you. Does this not bother you?

And it won't end at crumpets...

August is Potentially Problematic Opinions Month. Led by Alex from Adventures in TV-Land, a bunch of bloggers will tell you about opinions they hold that might piss you off, or make you think, or be so obvious you can’t believe anyone would think them problematic, opening your eyes to a whole world of people who don’t agree with you. This is my description, by the way, and it’s possible that Alex has a completely different one. Ooooooh Potentially Problematic!

What else is happening in PPOM? (will be updated with links as they happen)

Alex tells us why it's ok the next Doctor isn't a woman (and makes some really good points about female writers that I almost forgive her for being a crumpet lover). 

Britt is here to tell you that when it comes to her safety, you don't get to tell her what to do. 

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's an Overanalysis of Man of Steel!

So today’s blog is about Man of Steel. It doesn’t contain spoilers, as such, but if you haven’t seen it and you want to go in without my opinions bouncing around your head, maybe save reading this for later. Alternatively, my opinions are pretty good, so definitely take that into consideration.

The problem with overanalysing this film is that I decided to do so ten minutes into it, and also I’ve only seen it once. When I did Mulan last week, I stopped and started it, took screenshots, and wrote notes. Not having that luxury yesterday, I mostly spent the film leaning over to Boyfriend and making “witty” comments in an attempt to remember them. I’m sure this really enhanced his viewing experience. It certainly improved mine.

Here’s what you need to know about Man of Steel: it’s not a Superman movie. “Oh but Lizzy!” you cry, “I’ve seen the trailer, I’ve seen the poster, it has a dude in blue and red punching the air while flying. He has a cape. I know what is what.” Yeah, well, sure it has Superman themes and ideas but because the film focuses on Superman’s origin story, it’s actually an alien movie. More than that, it’s an alien invasion movie. . It follows a bunch of the same tropes as other alien invasion films, the first act of the movie is set on Krypton and there’s a bunch of dudes in suits talking about the importance of protecting earth. I love alien movies that are set in America. They always vaguely reference how other countries react (usually in front of well-known landmarks), but it still comes down to the CIA or FBI to sort that shit out.

...and this guy

The aliens look exactly like humans, except they have cooler clothes. Kryptonians are big on skintight suits and armour, and after seeing the film; I must admit I’m a convert. What a badass way to dress. We should all incorporate a little more armour into our wardrobes. But I’m less inclined to adopt their architecture… the major theme of which is genitalia. I know I’m not alone in thinking this because Boyfriend definitely nodded at one point when I whispered “are they living in a giant penis?” And when a bunch of Kryptonians got incarcerated in sarcophagi-like things, Boyfriend said, “You’ve been sentenced to dildo prison, sorry”. Given that a large part of the film is about how babies are made, and (SPOILERS, select to read) how great it would be to make them on the ashes of earth, the phalluses are more than a little off putting.

                                                                             

Now, I must come clean here and say that my Superman knowledge is limited. In fact, all of it comes from the TV show Smallville (please, don’t judge me). Perhaps I’m not the best person for this job, but hey, I’m the boss at Hum Drum Plum and I just seemed like I had a good head on my shoulders, I gave me a shot despite my initial misgivings. My Smallville watching did prep me for noticing the little references to the Superman source material. I particularly enjoyed that lots of trucks and buildings are branded with “LexCorp”. Also Clark lives in a town called Smallville and the nearby city is called Metropolis. Look, I understand the metaphorical nature of these place names but they are kind of awkward in the context of serious film called Man of Steel.

but 100% fine on the show that thought this was a good promo image

Speaking of Metropolis, you know that scene in The Avengers where they fight in New York? It’s a great, action packed ending but I spent most of it being distracted by the overwhelming concern that they were breaking New York. Yeah, well if you felt anything similar while watching that film, be prepared to be weeping for humanity as you watch Man of Steel. Sure, Metropolis is a metaphor for some other city (not New York, as Boyfriend reliably informed me, Gotham is New York), but they BREAK IT INTO A THOUSAND PIECES. I don’t think it’s spoilers to say that the day gets saved (it’s a Superman/alien film after all), but an entire city gets smashed up in order to do it. What are the repercussions of this? The American economy would be significantly effected, hundreds of thousands of people would be refugees, there’d be disease, crime, looting. How could they begin to rebuild? Would Clark Kent be held accountable? Where the hell is the Daily Planet situated now given that the entire city just burnt to the ground? These are the important questions people. I have no doubt there will be a sequel, and I really hope that the writers and directors endeavour to answer my questions in due time. I am confident they read my blog religiously.

What did you think about Man of Steel? Got some shit to say? I am happy to provide you with a platform to do so here in the comments, on facebook and on twitter. Get involved!

A Rant about Food

We interrupt your regularly scheduled reminiscence about Lizzy’s past to bring you this entirely unprecedented and largely unexpected rant about farming.

A very strange thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I suddenly started caring about animals. This isn’t to say that I didn’t care beforehand, but I went from answering the question “are you a vegetarian?” with *scoff scoff scoff* “NO. I love eating dead animals” to “um, sort of” in literally a matter of days.

And this strange behaviour is compounded further and made even stranger by the fact that I live in the country now. I work with pig farmers. I see trucks full of cattle every day. There are people around me whose livelihoods depend on people eating meat, and eating it daily.

But here’s what happened. I watched a video. I watched a ten-minute video about how meat animals are farmed, and I suddenly couldn’t ignore it anymore. I’m not about to start throwing red paint on people, I’m not even going to give up meat entirely, but knowing what I know now, and realising that it was knowledge that changed my mind, I’m going to impart some knowledge onto you, my readers. I do this not because I want to create an army of vegetarians, but because I think you are all clever people, you are all people who enjoy words, who enjoy knowledge, and who are capable of making good choices with the power of FACTS.

Warning: what follows is pretty effing graphic.

Chickens:

Chickens taste delicious. Their meat is relatively cheap and versatile, and they poop out an ovum once a day that can be used in really important things like cakes.

If they are lucky enough to be born male, chickens will be killed instantly, either by being gassed to death or crunched up alive in a big machine. If they are unlucky, and are born female, they will spend their short lives in a giant shed. Sometimes they have their beaks chopped off, they have no room to move, and stand in their own excrement all day. They are bred and fed to grow to full, very large size, very quickly. So they often can’t support their own weight. When it’s time for them to be eaten, they are caught by the fistful and shoved into cages, often breaking bones on the way in. They will see the outside world just once, on their way to the abattoir. In the abattoir, they will be electrocuted into unconsciousness and then have their necks cut. It’s probably the kindest thing that happens to them.

Egg chickens live a very similar life, except they get to live longer, about 12 months. Once they no longer produce eggs daily, they are also killed.

What you can do about it: purchase free-range chicken and eggs at your supermarket. Be mindful that there are no regulations for what constitutes “free range” and that all the ones with “RSPCA approved” on them still live indoors without much room. I’m actually not sure why the RSPCA approves them at all. Don’t order chicken or eggs in restaurants and food outlets when you can’t be sure.

Pigs:

Pigs can be turned into bacon. And frankly bacon is the most delicious thing in the whole world. They also make sausages, pork, ham, and really smelly pets.

The thing is, is that I never thought about how pigs are farmed. I kind of always knew about chickens, and was pretty happy to ignore it as best as possible. When I was in New Zealand I saw pigs in fields, and it was really strange, as I never had before. It’s actually kind of adorable, in NZ they have little tarps up in each field for the pigs to hang out under so they don’t get sunburnt. Did I mention that New Zealand’s farming industry is amazing and even their McDonald’s serve free range? Have you ever seen a pig in a field? I’m willing to bet not. That’s because in Australia, something like 95% of pigs are factory farmed.

They live inside large sheds with thousands of other pigs; many have their tails and a number of their teeth removed without anaesthetic. Sows are treated like bacon making factories, because that’s what they are. When pregnant or nursing (the majority of their lives), sows are kept in “sow stalls” which keep them on their side, unable to move, so that they can push out babies and those babies can get at their teats easily. Sows are expected to produce as many litters as possible and when they stop, you guessed it, they are killed. It’s actually really difficult to explain just how hideous a sow stall is, so I’m going to suggest you watch the video I watched, even though it is quite troubling and traumatic. Only do this if you are ready and not about to eat. I’ll link to it at the end of this blog.

What can you do about it: Free range pig products practically don’t exist, but times are changing. Coles, of all brands, is actually leading the way on this. You will start to notice that all Coles pork, bacon, ham etc is now starting to come with the label “sow stall free”. BUY THAT SHIT. Reward the giant corporation for actually making this change. Because if the big corporations are pushing for this, they will dominate the industry, and the little guys will have to follow suit, and it will be in farmers’ best interests to get rid of those stalls. And let’s face it; it will be in the sows’ best interests too. Don’t eat pig products in restaurants and food outlets when you can’t be sure.

Climate Change and World Hunger:

If you are able to look at these facts and think, “well, there’s more important things in the world”, well I can’t blame you, you’re right, there are. Human rights should surely come before animal rights, right? Well yes, I agree, and I’m making changes in my life and opinions with regards to humans too – I just happen to be blogging about animals today. But the thing is, this is all relevant to people too. Here’s a disturbing fact: more food is used to feed food animals, than is actually produced by food animals. That is, we feed pigs and chickens and cows etc grains and seeds and those grains and seeds constitute more edible food than actually comes out of factory farms. So we’re losing out twice. Pigs are eating all those delicious grains, then they're not even turning into enough bacon to cover the defecit. Meanwhile, people are literally dying of starvation across the world. Those of us who benefit from factory farms need to start considering other options that lessen the burden on food animal production, so that more people can have access to more food.

Plus the carbon produced by factory farmed animals, the water and power that goes into feeding the animals and growing crops to continue feeding those animals is a significant drain on our environment. Never mind recycling, think how much damage your dinner is doing.

What can you do about it: Consider eating less meat generally, or indeed becoming a vegetarian. I am really struggling with the second option, but I am committing to eating as little factory farmed meat as possible, and less meat generally.

I know this is all a lot to take in, and frankly if you’re still reading, thank you, thank you, thank you. Trust me when I say I understand that it is much nicer and easier to ignore all of this information, because I’ve been doing so for my entire life. I’ve already slipped up once, I wanted to eat Japanese dumplings so bad I just had to put all of this from my mind for an evening. But the world needs us to start caring about this stuff. How much longer can agriculture support the mass consumption of animals? How much longer can the environment sustain our eating habits? How much more bacon can you eat without thinking about where it came from?

TL/DR, what the eff do you want me to do here, Lizzy?: Um, I dunno, why don't you think about eating kangaroo meat once a week, it’s delicious, they produce zero carbon and they need to be culled anyway.

Video:

The video that changed my life (so dramatic)

Disclaimer:

I have actually done further research than this one video, I promise. I am a well-informed ranter. If you have other arguments for or against, please share them in the comments or on facebook or twitter. I encourage you to do your own research also, if this is something that interests you. I don’t want you to just go with what I tell you, or completely reject it because it’s some hippy vego bullshit. There’re good, reliable sources out there.

It's just that the Make it Possible campaign has the cutest pictures...