Cynicism, and a public service announcement

Cynicism; it's not just for the old and crotchety.

I believe that everybody has a use-by date. Well, not so much a date as a capacity, a saturation point, a limit. And once they reach this point, they become cynical. It's different for everyone, but we will all get there some day. It's just more likely that old people have already got there. But us younguns shouldn't let them have all the fun.

I've just imagined an excellent scenario involving a small child who has already reached their cynicism breaking point. His name is Bobby, and he's a cynical mother fucker. 

Teacher: Look boys and girls, a rainbow! Isn't it beautiful?!

Class: oooooooo! 

Bobby: Fuck this.  

Sometimes it just takes one little thing to tip you over the edge. I reached my saturation point just recently and I will now, at the risk of also pushing you into the cynicism zone, tell you the tale.

I was sitting at McDonalds at Central station, calmly and quietly reading someone else's newspaper over their shoulder whilst less calmly but still quietly seething about missing my train by 4 seconds when I saw them. The bins. Have you ever noticed this? The bins at Maccas have the following words printed on their flaps (lol flaps): "Put Rubbish In Here". What?! Does McDonalds think so little of its customers that it must instruct them in how to use a rubbish receptacle?!  Does consuming their fatty food products render people incapable of basic brain function? My faith in humanity is gone.

On a completely unrelated note the following things have been deemed "the devil" by my grandma:

-Harry Potter

- Pokemom

-Windchimes

-Didgeridoos

- SOSE (yes, that geography/history/society subject you took in year 10. He's everywhere, people.)

I tell you this as a public service announcement, so that you can begin avoiding the devil in your daily life. Personally, I'm going to begin burning didgeridoos - better to be safe from evil than culturally sensitive.

Irony

Hello again.

Now, I don't usually take umbrage* with accepted sources of fact, but I feel the need to draw y'all's attention to The Everyday Oxford Dictionary's definition of irony.

Irony n. the expression of one's meaning by using words of the opposite meaning in order to make one's remarks forceful, e.g. that will please him (used of something that will not please him at all).

Now before I get into this, can we all please go back and have a giggle at Oxford's attempt at humour while still using the word "one" to refer to an individual? Good, brilliant. Anyway, sure the definition is fine, but to me the example given seems more appropriate to apply to the word "sarcasm". So I looked that up too:

Sarcasm n. 1. an ironical remark or taunt. 2. the use of such taunts

Shit thanks for that Oxford, that's so helpful. But wait, it gets better:

Sarcastic adj. using or showing sarcasm


SIGH. This just isn't good enough. But fear not, I have a solution. It is the following photo, which I will gladly send to the Oxford people so that they can change the entry to read thus:

Irony n. e.g.

It is important to note that this hydrant booster can be found at a significant educational facility. See Oxford? THAT's irony.

And while we're on the topic of graffiti, I took a photo of this too:

I walk past it everyday, and at first it made me sad. But then the more I thought about it the more I realised it's a badass way to guilt trip your ex. (I'm making the assumption here that the "baby" in question is not dead, but broke up with the graffiti artist. I'm making this assumption because death isn't funny. Let's not think about this too hard, yeah?). I hope that the ex lives in the house opposite and has to look at it everyday. And I hope they think, "damn - he/she was such a good graffiti artist, they had such potential, and I just threw them away like an old spray can, what was I thinking?!"



Right, that's all from me for this week. Thanks for reading, and thanks for not asking why I was looking up words in the dictionary.


L






*take umbrage - an excellent phrase that should be used more in daily conversation. Particularly because it pays homage to Professor Umbridge, who is evil and excellent and who looks a lot like an older version of my local member for parliament:

...I'm just sayin'

Welcome. Also, pants.

Hello and welcome to Hum Drum Plum. Here I will amusingly discuss, deconstruct and dig on stuff that I see, think about, feel, eat, hear and... smell? I don't know. I only just made it, I'll get there. The plan is to blog at least once a week. But who wants to read a welcome post? I don't even want to write one, so let's get straight to it.

The subject of my first ever blog is PANTS (caps, bold, italics, underline. This shit is important). 

Yes, pants. There's been a lot of talk lately about whether leggings/tights constitute an adequate substitute for pants. This is an important debate, one of the most important conversations of our time, and I'm about to weigh in with gusto*.

Perhaps people are getting confused. Ladies (and gents? It seems only a matter of time), tights are called tights because they are, in fact, tight. Too tight to be worn without something else covering your bum-bum. Top-tip: If the tubular items you are pulling onto your legs are not called pants, then THEY ARE NOT PANTS. I can see right up into your business. 

It was recently brought to my attention that girls might be wearing leggings-as-pants because they want their business to be seen.  I often see these ladies in the Valley - a thriving hub of alcohol, hormones and regret, not wearing pants and, sometimes, also attempting to pass off a shirt as a dress. Now, I'm not the kind of lady to go "out on the razzle" (My Nana, 1952), so maybe I don't get it - but you're not wearing enough clothes. How embarrassing, you left the house without pants. I've always thought that girls who are regularly out clubbing are kind of secretly hoping to find a boyfriend in the Valley. Why, I'm not sure. Ladies, extend your Vodka Cruiser-goggles beyond the corner of Ann and Brunswick! But, if you are looking in the Valley, and you aren't wearing pants, you're hunt can only result in one thing: sexy times with a less than gentleman. Now, sexy times are great and I would never dream of judging them (unless they aren't safe, in which case "unclean, unclean!"), but I believe the majority of these pantless ladies are actually looking for the elusive creature, Potentialis Boyfriendius. Despite what you're mums might've told you, nice boys are out there and I can tell you something about them. Something important, something life changing... they are looking for a lady WEARING PANTS. 

#Pant rant ends.

Welcome, thanks for reading.

*Gusto - just one of the words in my list of those that should be used more often.