Poor Old Judas

I’ve always had a certain sympathy Judas. Even when I was a Christian, I felt like Judas got such a raw deal. Yes, he is the betrayer, but Jesus needed someone to betray him so that he could die for all our sins and all that. That’s so cruel; it’s as though Judas could never have done anything else, like he had no free will. And then, he kills himself, another sin, and according to some texts is then eternally damned. I mean, sheesh, the guy literally facilitated the saving of all humanity, but because he betrayed Jesus he’s the worst? Un.fair.

There were lots of things that contributed to my becoming an atheist. It happened gradually, and I would never be able to pinpoint an exact moment where I decided I no longer believed, but Judas was always one of my problem points. How could a loving God allow that? No, it’s worse than that, Judas’ betrayal wasn’t something that just happened on God’s watch, it was God’s plan. And even if you want to go with the sort of Vengeful God/ Loving Jesus dichotomy, it’s not like Jesus let Judas off the hook either. He was all “ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME LOL JOKES I KNOW IT’S YOU JUDAS YOU GIT.” That was exceptionally problematic for me as a young, questioning Christian, and not one that the Church ever seemed to have a ready answer for.

One of you will literally stab me in the back with a poorly concealed knife.

When I was 16 we watched Jesus Christ Superstar in Study of Religion at school. The 70s film version, the one in the dessert, the famous one, you know it. Dancers appear out of thin air and leap off stuff, it’s great.

like this

I remember being mostly bemused on my first watching. I thought Herod was hilarious and I couldn’t quite work out if it the film meant to be taking the piss or not, but I also was so taken with the interpretation of Judas. He doesn’t betray for money, he betrays because he thinks Jesus needs to be stopped, because he’s taken it too far. He unwittingly sends Jesus to his death; never believing it will go that far. Poor old Judas indeed.

I’m not really a musical theatre kind of person. I usually find musicals to be over long and bizarre. My exceptions to this rule are Avenue Q, because puppets, Chicago, because it’s amazing, and Jesus Christ Superstar because Judas. Also, JCS is a continuous musical, which makes a lot more sense to me than musicals where there’s a scene that adequately tells the story, but then the characters break out into song anyway, just to drive the point home, just in case you missed it. I’m not obsessive about JCS by any means; I haven’t even seen that many version of it or anything. But I like the songs, and I know lots of the lyrics, and you’re damn right when it was announced that the most recent Arena tour version was touring Australia I signed up for the presale.

Boyfriend and I just got back from a super quick weekend trip to Sydney where we watched Tim Minchin absolutely rock it as Judas Iscariot. Also, obviously, Mel C (The Spice Girls Reigneth!) as Mary Magdalene and new blood Ben Forster as the Man Himself. The entire production is 100% mind-blowing and if you didn’t get a chance to see it fear not, because there’s a DVD and you absolutely must watch it. It. Is. SO. Good. We were in the eleventh row, smack bang in the centre, and I had tears in my eyes from the second it started.

Our view

Tim Minchin is a renowned Atheist and I have seen many Internet commenters reacting very surprised to learn he is in a show about Jesus. It’s possible that some of them are offended Christians, maybe, or bewildered atheists, but I just feel like they are missing the point. Yes, it’s called Jesus Christ Superstar but it’s never been about Jesus for me. It’s Judas’ story. And Judas, despite being devoted to Jesus (you know, before he betrayed him and sent him to his death) was the first person to question Him. And that’s what Atheism is, in my opinion. It’s questioning, it’s doubting, it’s saying “hey wait a second why are we pouring expensive perfume on Jesus, he’s just a guy, can’t we sell it and give the money to the poor?” Minchin himself calls JCSan “atheist musical” and if I was ever going to follow someone blindly (irony intended), it would probably be him.

Can you blame me?

P.S. Sorry the blog is late, it's because of the aforementioned Sydney trip. 

Epipha-map

Self Portrait - Lizzy King, 2013

Sometimes we change our minds slowly; we learn gently, and subconsciously, we may never even realise that our opinions have grown. Other times, realisation comes like a clap of thunder. We might be reading something, or sleeping, or talking with someone, and then suddenly, BAM – the light bulb cliché, the explosion of knowledge. I like to think that those moments are a good way to map our development as humans. So here’s my epipha-map.

Epiphany Number 1: not all families are the same.

In grade 1 or 2 I went to my first sleep over at a friend’s house. I remember my mum telling me I had to wear knickers to bed. I never wore knickers with my pyjamas (secretly, I probably didn’t start doing so till I was a teenager) and I remember being quite weirded out by this change in my sleeping attire. But that wasn’t the epiphany. Sitting at the dinner table with this nuclear family of four, it occurred to my small brain that it was actually probably a bit weird that I called my dad Tony and that he did most of the cooking. And I remember not liking my friend’s dad because he had a moustache and liked his lawn more than he seemed to like his family. My mum did all the garden work, and I actually sort of had it in my head that mums were outside people in my world and dads were really good at making cheesy cauliflower. And in that moment I realised that not everyone was like us (awesome).

Epiphany Number 2: Fractions and decimals are the same thing.

I was quite a clever kid. I was good at most subjects at school without even really trying. I was a very good reader, I liked writing and science things the best, but I also was pretty good at maths too. Until I was about 10. And then suddenly, maths got hard. I struggled intensely with anything that combined letters and numbers: 3 + x = 7?! How can an x be in there?! Xs are for words, not maths. The whole thing baffled and upset me. In particular, I could not cope with fractions. I got my head around decimals ok, but spent hours freaking out about fractions. And then my mum spent a day baking with me. We measured things out with measuring cups, and she patiently explained how 1/4 + 1/4 could equal 1/2. And I got it. I was happy. The next day at school we were working on some maths problems and I had a little “oh!” moment as I realised that 0.25 + 0.25 = 0.5 as well. They were the same thing. All this time, they were the same bloody thing. I felt like a genius idiot.

Epiphany Number 3: Belief isn’t fact.

On school camp, some of the girls were reading out horoscopes from a magazine and asked me what mine was. I went on a small rant about the ridiculousness of the belief that somehow rocks in space could tell us anything about our little mundane lives. Basically, I killed the fun. My atheist friend looked up from the magazine and said, “you know Lizzy, the way you feel about horoscopes, that’s the way I feel about Christianity”. I was pretty pissed and stomped off, I guess not because she’d said it, but because she’d called me out. I was religious at the time, but that moment was one of the first times I deigned to consider other people’s beliefs as in any way legitimate. Not that I suddenly thought horoscopes made any sense (they make none, to be clear), but in that one sentence, my friend had made me realise that all belief is kind of ridiculous, and it doesn’t hurt to be a little bit respectful. (If you’re reading this, Hilde, I give you permission to gloat).

Epiphany Number 4: I’m not a Catholic.

On the subject of religion, I started doubting and questioning my faith around the age of 16. At the end of the school year I went overseas with my choir, and we sang in amazing places across Europe. We sang a church service in a Catholic cathedral and it was one of the most beautiful places I’d ever seen. We were told that only those who were Catholic were allowed to leave the singing to take Communion. So I dramatically stepped out from my 75 fellow singers, along with 3 or so other students and walked the length of the cathedral to get my bread and wine in the fanciest setting possible. And swallowing it was like swallowing chalk and acid. As I walked back to place I realised I’d done it to be different, to be interesting, for fun and I vowed never to take Communion again unless I was sure it was what I wanted. I’ve not touched it to this day.

Epiphany Number 5: Pride and Prejudice.

The themes are in the fucking title. Right there, on the goddamn cover.

Epiphany Number 6: It’s not them it’s me.

In 2009 I got quite sad. And anxious. And stressed. I was depressed at the end of high school too, but this was a whole new ball game. I sort of felt like I wasn’t allowed to call myself depressed because I knew people who’d battled depression for years, and mine came on quite suddenly. In the space of a few weeks I went from being pretty happy and ok to locking myself in my room, not eating, hurting myself, being in a constant state of panic. I probably would not have sort help had it not been for the paranoia. I had an overwhelming sensation that people, all people, everywhere, were looking at me. I knew, logically, that they couldn’t be, but empirically, evidence that I was seeing with my own eyes was that they were. So I went to a psychologist. It was three or so weeks before I got the courage to tell her people were looking at me and she said, “have you considered, Lizzy, it’s that you are looking at them?” No I had not considered this, I admitted. She told me to practise not making eye contact for a whole day, and see if this fixed the problem. I walked out of her office and up the street and instantly realised I was making eye contact with people. So I stopped. It was excessively difficult, I had been the one freaking other people out all along. I genuinely skipped home with happiness. While the battle for my happiness took a lot more than a quick fix realisation, this epiphany helped me so much, that I honestly don’t know how I would have survived without it.

Epiphany Number 7: I can’t run out of inspiration.

Almost every time I sit down to write a blog, I don’t know what I’m going to write about. And it’s becoming a problematic fear. I won’t go near my computer for hours, I’ll dawdle and procrastinate and ask people what I should say and read a book and hope it’ll go away. And then every time, without fail, I’ll open a word document with a blank mind and suddenly find something to write about. Like just now, when I had an epiphany about epiphanies, and started telling you about it. There’s always going to be stuff in my brain and as long as people keep reading (and even if they don’t), I’m going to keep writing it down.

Ever had an epiphany? Tell me about it via comment, facebook, twitter, carrier pigeon.

Lizzy King, Human - A Study. Box 4, Part 1.

2004 – the fourth box, better known as the ‘Why the Fuck did I Keep this Shit Box?”

(If you're wondering what the flip is going on, start here).

For the most part, this box is kind of boring. NO WAIT, DON’T LEAVE. I will try to pick out some of the more interesting bits for you. I think by this stage of the hoarding adventure I was thinking more along the lines of “accurately representing my life” like some kind of time capsule, rather than “keeping things that are of genuine or significant value” like some kind of interesting blog fuel.

There are bus tickets and receipts, RECEIPTS for fuck’s sake. There’re programs for music concerts I wasn’t even involved in, and a giant plastic bag for no reason. So this is just a smattering, a hand picked few, a small selection of vaguely interesting things from my life circa 2004.

Item – Notes taken in Study of Religion – 2004

So we are fast approaching what I have suddenly decided to call the “Atheist Event Horizon”. At this point I was still a Christian, but damn was that faith wavering. I had a lot of questions, and Christianity was quickly failing to answer them. I was studying other religions and belief systems and some of them were answering them, and some of them weren’t, but they sure as hell were convincing me that just one religion couldn’t be the be all and end all. I was also, *obsessed* with death. I don’t even know why. I know that somewhere, possibly in this box, or possibly not, there is a list of things I wanted said at my funeral. I was afraid of missing out on life, afraid that cool things would happen without me, afraid that heaven would be a sap-fest; full of happy stupid people.

These notes are quotes from my textbook. I think they sum up how I was feeling at the time quite nicely:

Item – Headbands – 2004

I wasn’t even that into sport, but for some reason I kept two headbands bearing the name of my sports house, “Cawley”. Our house was named after Evonne Goolagong Cawley, the famous tennis player. Of course, Cawley is her husband’s name, but it would be a cold day in hell before my fancy private school will name the house, “Goolagong”.

woo sport

Photo – Semi-formal group shot – 2004

I won’t include any of the other peeps in this photo, because I can’t be bothered to ask them all permission (or actually track them down in some cases) but damn, look at those shoes. The flower in my hair is also in this box.

Claw hand?

Item – Signed Poster – 2004

VaPar was a pretty awesome thing I was involved in. I got a main role in the play much to everybody’s surprise including my own. We did our own telling of the King Arthur story in a physical theatre piece. It was actually not anywhere as awful as that sounds. I played the lady of the lake and had bells in my costume, it was fucking awesome. This is the poster for the thing, everyone signed it.

The whole poster didn't fit in my scanner but you get the gist.

Item – School Diary – 2004

Grade 11 was probably the first time I was properly comfortable in my friendship groups. That’s not to suggest I had bad friends before that, but things did shift a bit in grade 11 and a number of the people I became friends with that year are still my friends to this day. Most notably my friend Mim. I don’t know why I mention that, it’s not relevant to the diary, I just thought you all might like to know. Hi Mim.

No but what I’m getting at is that this diary (which is just like a daily planner by the way, not a “ow my feelings” thing) kind of reflects my own development into the person I am today. I mean, I still had a long way to go. But here we find evidence of my love of planning and studying (yeah, nerd 4 lyf). Things are colour coded and here and there you’ll find ideas for essay paragraphs or notes to self about assessment. (Oh there’s a cute one here about Darcy’s pride and Lizzy’s Prejudice). My friends birthdays are all written in by them, happily and amusingly. No one is crossed out, there’s no snipy little comments from yours truly, and there are fun things cut out of magazines.

There’s no real evidence of the 5-week derailment of my life that was Glandular Fever at the end. Not unless you’re looking closely. There is less daily homework written in (because I wasn’t going to school) but all the assessment and exam stuff is still there because I was frighteningly (and fairly stupidly) determined to get it all done in spite of the fact that my spleen was four times its usual size. I spent most of my time in bed, waking up every four hours for medicine and bizarre juices my mother had made. I had tonsillitis, laryngitis and the aforementioned giant spleen. I still managed to do those exams, though, and I remember being almost hysterical by the last one. Which was biology. I drew a smiley face for the final answer and left with my shoes around my neck. Good times.

Item – Creaming Soda wrapper – 2004

Here’s a perfect example of the random shit I kept in this box. Why, why, why, would I keep something like this? I have a vague recollection that we thought it was funny how giant the creaming soda is compared to the dude holding it, but even still. Just what. Juuust what. 

I mean I guess it is kinda funny...

Converted

Clearly that is stained glass...

Internet is the new religion.

We worship at altars named Safari and Chrome and Firefox daily, and some old-fashioned people still worship at an old decrepit relic known as Internet Explorer. We connect through personal reflection on smart phones every few hours.

Personally, I live in the way of the Internet; everything I do is of the Internet, for the Internet and to the glory of the Internet. I love it and it loves me. Sometimes, the Internet punishes me for reasons I don’t quite understand. I do not question when the Internet shows me unending cat gifs or Sherlock/Watson fanfic, for the Internet moves in mysterious ways. The Internet knows best.

I pay a part of my monthly income to the Internet and it forms a part of my professional, social and family lives. Without it I am lost, wandering in the desert, helpless.

Trolls and cyber bullies try to misuse the Internet. They start holy flame wars and try to blame their problems on the Internet. But the Internet can be used for good; for charity, for helping others and raising awareness. It can be used to spread love and joy, happiness and fun. This is the true way of the Internet, and those who walk in the light know this in their hearts and hard drives.

The Internet is not like most, modern religions; it celebrates sex and sexuality. In fact it’s kind of pagan in its worship of all things sex.

The Internet has its own community of worshippers, brought together by the glory of the Internet, to bask in its love and share its joy with one another. I have many friends with whom I share a deep connection due to our shared love of the Internet. We met through the Internet, and worship daily together.

I am zealous in my conversion of others. I will enthusiastically show them videos and pictures when we meet IRL (In Real Life – a sad existence sans Internet) and discuss the merits of my favourite ways to worship – Twitter, Tumblr, my blog. I am always glad and excited when I help someone to become even closer to the Internet. And the Internet rewards me when I do this by giving me a new follower, a new person to interact with, a new reader.

The Internet is open to interpretation, and is its own holy text.

The Internet sent a prophet to us, his name is Stephen Fry and he is the one, true embodiment of the Internet.

The Internet’s most holy ritual is the scrolling through and checking of one’s entire feed.

The Internet’s most holy image changes regularly, as it is the Google Home Page.

The Internet’s most holy animal is the cat.

All hail the Internet.

Lizzyish has Opinions: Margaret Court

I have been wanting to write an opinion piece for some time. I actually recently wrote an opinion piece about opinions, just to get me in the mood… but it was kinda shit. I’m thinking of starting a folder on my mac called “kinda shit”. Anyway, in order to write a funny opinion piece, I think you need some good source material. It’s one thing to get all passionate about something, but if you want it to be truly funny, rip apart someone’s else’s opinions for the entertainment of others, I reckon. That’s how you do it.

So I don’t know if you’ve read Margaret Court’s opinion yet today, but it’s pretty clear. Margaret Court loves straight people. She loves straight people so hard she wants to marry them all. No wait, only the men, because women can’t marry women. She wants to marry the men, the straight men, because she loves them. She loves them simply because they choose not to put their penises near other men, except in urinals, where it’s ok.

Look it’s possible that I haven’t fully grasped Margaret’s opinions. Which is why it’s awesome that Mike Sutchberry has translated it for us. He’s done a very good job, and I highly recommend you check it out. In fact, to be honest, I’ve only read all of Ms Court’s “article” because it’s in Mike’s. His translation is well funny.

But my friend Mim pointed out to me on the twitters that Mike perhaps doesn’t quite go far enough, considering just how far Maggie went, and then… because Mim is pleasant, she suggested I might enjoy having a crack at a translation. I would suggest this is a translation for the young people, a translation for those in their 20s or even younger. This is a translation for all you cool kids out there who don’t actually read newspapers and get your news solely from twitter, like Mim and I do.

Ahem.

WE (my followers and I) live in a blessed nation (in the clouds, looking down on you) but Australia is on a steep moral decline (this is clearly visible from our cloud-country, we have a higher vantage point, you see, and a moat).

Everywhere you look we are making excuses for a sliding lifestyle and more people are blind to it than ever before.

Why, just the other day, my husband let me speak in public and no one said ANYTHING.

Our Constitution is based on biblical principles and our nation is great because of it.

I’ve not read the constitution, but it is convenient for the purposes of my article for me to suggest it closely and indeed specifically aligns with my religion.

We are a country with a moral fabric and families and marriage are at its core.

Australia is made out of blankets woven from the skins of children. You couldn’t make this up.

But increasingly our kids are being taught that anything goes.

Anything Goes, first performed on Broadway in 1934, is a musical by Cole Porter. Many Gays have probably performed in it. This is relevant, stay tuned.

As a society we are losing touch with fundamental Christian values, as our leaders lean towards an agenda of political correctness to keep the minorities happy.

Gays mostly. See I told you it was relevant.

We live in a world of moral values. Even those without faith know what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t actually believe atheists have a moral code but I am trying to appeal to a broad audience here. We all know it’s only atheists who commit rape and murder.

We all have a conscience and so many people get trapped in the pattern of saying something is right when deep down they know it isn't.

People’s attitudes are changing! Deep down though, they all know that really they agree with everything their grandparents believed. This is the best way for our society (the one in the clouds AND the one you call Australia) to survive.

It's that attitude that can harden hearts. People suddenly justify the immoralities around them. We have taken the easy way out. Minorities are now making it harder for the majority. They are increasingly taking everything that is good in society and pushing it to the side.

Gays HATE nice things. All that stuff you love? Like safety, financial security, your children, Xboxes… Gays just HATE them. They don’t even know why, so don’t ask me. They just hate happiness I guess. Pretty ironic, considering they stole the true meaning of the word gay from us normals (WHICH by the way, I was using on a regular basis).

Looking back, you can see that there has been a steep decline, especially when it comes to the issue of sexuality.

My knowledge of history is similar to my knowledge of the constitution.

There is so much scripture within the Bible that points to what we see happening now. We are losing that sense of discipline.

In Biblical times, women were stoned for expressing their opinions. Bring that shit back, pronto.

Let me be clear. I believe that a person's sexuality is a choice.

I felt the need to explicitly state that, just in case you thought I might base my opinions on scientific studies or logic.

In the Bible it said that homosexuality is among sins that are works of the flesh.

Along with working on the Sabbath, which I never do, being a pastor. Also women aren’t allowed to be preachers. Wait. Shit.

It is not something you are born with.

The bible explicitly states this, it says, “people aren’t born with gayness”, I read it once.

My concern is that we are advocating to young people that it is OK to have these feelings. But I truly believe if you are told you are gay from a young age, soon enough it will start to impact your life and you will live it. If somebody is told they are gay they often start to believe it.

This is why young people who are told they are not gay, and are told to suppress their feelings, turn out straight and have absolutely no chance of becoming depressed and killing themselves. This is a truth-fact brought to you by the Margaret Court Institute of Science.

We are living in a society that takes the easy way out. But we have to work at life and make things better. You need to be disciplined. I became the first Australian woman to win Wimbledon because I trained hard and worked towards it.

This is relevant to my argument because SPORT.

It's why I believe so strongly in the sanctity of marriage. It takes hard work. Children need a mother and a father - stability from a male and a female - and I think we are losing sight of this.

I would never have played SPORT if it weren’t for having both a male and female parent. This is why all children raised in single parent families end up homeless and poverty stricken. None of them ever play SPORT.

We are led by politicians who lie and spread deceit. They no longer stand true to their word and that affects us all, as a nation. Lies just don't seem to matter much any more.

Politicians have started lying, just recently, and it’s because of Gays, and probably Asians too, come to think of it.

There is so much deception in the world and it's getting worse by the minute. The Book of Romans speaks of the people of Earth trading in God; of worshipping life and things within it instead of God who made us. By refusing Him, women no longer know how to be women and men no longer know how to be men.

When men and women stop adhering to strict gender roles, the world will end. This is what the Mayans were talking about in a book they titled “Romans” for some reason. Crazy Mayans.

We have lost our way and have been convinced by the secular view that it's all OK.

Though we have a secular government, it is BAD and WRONG for secular views to influence our governments.

SPORT.

It worries me because I fear our next generation will lose all direction and become more blinded than ever before.

I am handing out compasses and glasses to all children at religious schools: enroll your child today!

I can't understand, if we are a blessed nation under a biblical Constitution, why there is such a push to change it?

I can’t understand other points of view. Please don’t make me listen to them anymore. It’s like maths. You know how some people are bad at maths? I’m bad at empathy and human rights.

We will only start to tear away at the rich fabric and sustained values..

You’re ripping the child skin blanket and I don’t like it!

Then God will take his hand off our nation and the lights will go out.

God is touching us all right now. This is called safe touch. When the lights go out God will start touching us in other places. This is called unsafe touch and should be reported to a parent, teacher or grown-up friend.

That is why I believe we need to protect marriage because it has been God-ordained from the beginning.

God ordained the swapping of cattle for women and is most upset with us for losing our way. Need I remind you about the unsafe touch? Cows people. He wants cows for girls and he wants them now.

God told man to be united with his wife and to multiply on earth.

If you’re one of those people who’s bad at maths this means intercourse.

I had fame and success and a great husband but I always knew something was missing in my life. I used to think there had to be more to it. I knew He was there but I didn't know how to make the connection. I didn't understand how God could be real in my life. But then I accepted Jesus Christ, and believed that He came to Earth as the son of God, to die for our sins.

My personal belief system, which I am within my rights to uphold, is more important than your personal belief system, which you have no rights to because you are a minority (I have crunched the numbers on this, at my science institute. We do statistics now too)

Even then I didn't understand the power of the Bible, his word. If I knew then what I knew now I could have won six Wimbledons, not three.

God has the power to influence tennis matches.

The New Testament is the greatest book on psychology. It shows you how to live victoriously. It's our TV guide to life. It has everything in there for every facet - even how to run a nation.

Disclaimer: the bible is not really a TV guide OR a book on psychology. Do not use at home.

People think it's a book of fear but it is not. It's a book of love and a training manual for life that offers protection from sin. Life is but a wisp. So many turn to God on their deathbeds but if they accepted His love during life they would experience far more blessings. We will pass away, but the scriptures won't.

All those floods and smitings were God’s way of showing LOVE. Don’t you see, he doesn’t mean to hurt you, he just gets so angry, and you didn’t have dinner ready for him when he got home. He works hard you know, and he doesn’t need some ungrateful bitch pissing his money away and telling everyone what a crap husband he is! Stop crying!

We need to turn our minds back to God and I still believe we have the capacity to make that change. Understand that there is a God and that He is real and that He can be part of your life.

Even if you get a restraining order, he’ll always be there.

A nun at my primary school once gave me the cane and it was one of the best lessons of my life. She could see the potential in me long before I did. She gave me a grounding for the future, for which I remain grateful. I didn't have an easy childhood but I had good families around me that sowed into my life. That's what our kids need right now. People who are willing to stand up for them, for our families, in a world where we have become far too scared.

Even though I had a mother and a father, it took an angry virgin in a cape brandishing a stick to teach me how to be a good person. This kind of negates my argument, but I just really like hitting kids. 

 Margaret Court is a pastor and a former world No.1 tennis player

Lizzyish likes pasta and writes a blog about stuff. She finds tennis really boring.