Feeling better about things.

Astute readers will note that I took a break last Sunday. It was my birthday (almost) and I was off having adventures. If you don’t follow me on Facebook you’re missing out on really important information like this, and also amusing screen shots of the things people have googled to find Hum Drum Plum so I honestly don’t know what you’re thinking of on that front.

This week I want to blog about serious things. But I’m not gonna. My brain is filled with a hundred opinions about asylum seekers and politics, atheism and education, feminism and media… but those opinions are starting to take their toll. I feel exhausted sometimes by the weight of my own thoughts and occasionally you’ve just got to have a bit of fun, sometimes you have to turn off your brain (and step away from the computer) and let the shit of the world pass you by for a few hours.

So here’s a list of things that will make you feel better about any given topic.

1.     Step 1. Cut up a banana, step 2. Stab a banana piece with a fork, step 3. Dip piece into nutella jar, step 4. Omnomnom, step 5. Nirvana.

2.     Play board games (not Monopoly) with trusted loved ones. If anyone starts getting aggressively competitive, make them sit on a tiny chair in the corner until they’ve calmed down.

This is an actual photo of me actually playing board games with my actual siblings.
It was a lot more exciting than we are making it look.

3.     Watch The Emperor’s New Groove.

4.     Use safe mode on youtube, it hides all the comments. 

5.     Buy a packet of pink Hubba Bubba. Chew each piece until it *just* loses its flavour. Spit it out. Repeat. This, for me, is a personal vendetta against adults from my childhood, who made me get my money’s worth on every last piece of quickly-flavourless bubblegum. 

6.     Use the hashtag “cleaneating” on your instagram photos of cheese, chocolate and hot chips. 

7.     Make tea in a teapot. You’re fucking worth it.

8.     Hide all the people on your facebook feed who are wrong all the time.

9.  Go for a long drive in the countryside. Perhaps you have a friend who lives three hours away and would gladly welcome you for a weekend in a small town first founded in the 1840s and known for its rich grain and cotton industries… 

10. Make a playlist of your favourite up-tempo songs. This is not a workout playlist. No, it is not a housework playlist. These are not the songs you’ll listen to on the way to work. This is your dance mix. You will dance to this list when you’re home alone. You will crank it loud, you will sing along, you will jump up and touch the ceiling, and spin around in your socks. No one is watching, and if they were, they’d want to join in.

11. Buy someone a gift for no reason at all.

12. Buy yourself a gift for any reason you can think of. 

13. If you’re the kind of person who is into this sort of thing, do your hair and makeup real special on a day you will see no other living soul. Be glamorous for the only person whose opinion matters… you.

14. Put clean sheets on your bed and go to bed early with a book. This is one of the best cures for grumpiness in the whole world. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

15.  Make something. Build it out of lego, or playdough or sand. Bake a cake if you want, or write something down. There is a whole world of tiny achievements you can create yourself. Today I picked some snow peas I grew myself and I feel like the Queen of the world.

16. Let people be wrong on the internet. They’ll always be wrong, don’t let them make you mad too.

17. When the banana is all gone, keep eating the nutella with the fork. You’re a grown human, do what you want man.

18. Write a list of things you’ve rarely or never done. And then take your own advice.

19. Tell someone you love them. 

Who is the Advice Peacock?

Who is the Advice Peacock?

The Advice Peacock is an idea. He’s an enigma wrapped in a dream served with special sauce. He has a lot of feathers. He has a lot of ideas.

The Advice Peacock knows his shit.

Marital problems, religious questions, existential crises. The Advice Peacock can help. He is like your favourite Agony Aunt except a bird.

I created the Advice Peacock as a sort of alter-ego. Long time readers (first time callers) will not be surprised to hear that I like to give advice. I have many blogs dolling out unsolicited advice like soup to the homeless. I rave incessantly about things I think will make you a better person. But I’m 24. And 24 year olds can’t just walk around telling other people how to live their lives. Well no-one can, but youth seems to make it even worse. Who am I to tell you how to dress (in my first ever blog), who am I to list dot points on the best way to survive school, who am I to lecture on any topic at all? What are my qualifications? What, really, gives me the right?

The Advice Peacock does not have these issues. The Advice Peacock is wise, he is fabulous, and he is fictional. Sure, he’s arrogant, knows too much for his own good, and is kind of an idiot, but who’s going to question a peacock? He has all the feathers, and those feathers look like they have eyes. You can trust him. Or at least, you can fear him slightly and accept that his arrogance is merely a result of his supreme knowledge and well-preened plumage. 

So sometimes I embody the Peacock. I allow him to exist within me as I write/rant about all the ways you could be better. I strut up and down, his soft yet supportive tail feathers encasing me and extoll profound truths and tacky metaphors. I am he. He is me.

The Advice Peacock features in a zine I accidentally made and am selling for $2 at TiNA today. How did this happen? Some say Internet Party made me do it; still others say Advice Peacock himself was involved. All I know is that he gives awful advice and makes me happy.

If you have questions for Advice Peacock send them to humdrumplum [at] gmail [dot] com and I’ll see if he’s up for answering a couple of them. 

They are nutritious and taste like happiness

Fresh Start

Leaf it alone, man.

This weekend one of my bestest friends told me she’s moving to the UK. In a month. She’s decided to up and leave and try something new in the Greatest of the Britains. And while of course I am sad about how much I will miss her, I’m pretty stoked for her. Because she’s made a big decision - she’s turning a new leaf, taking the plunge and other such metaphors.

Her news got me thinking about fresh starts.

I think it’s easy to say that people need a fresh start to erase their history. They need to get away from some of their more foolish mistakes, or from people who know them too well, or maybe they just “can’t cope” with “real life” and need to “run away”. And I don’t know, maybe that’s true of some people. Criminals, mostly, and people who voted for Campbell Newman. But I think trying for a fresh start is one of the bravest things you can do.

Given the chance, I think most people will not actually do that much reinventing in a new place. They won’t go by a new name, or affect an accent or suddenly pretend to be really into jazz music. In my experience, starting fresh in actually gives you the opportunity to be the youest you possible. People might not know your history, but they’ll still get to know the real you, because in a new place you’re suddenly in a position to set the record straight. There are no rumours, no preconceived notions, no vague memories of something you might have said once. You’re able to present the reality of yourself, unhindered by any other baggage you might have collected while you were trying to work out what that reality was.

Change is good. Adaptability is good. But sometimes it’s hard to change when you’re surrounded by people who’ve known you a while. You might even feel hypocritical, if you’ve changed a lot recently. But it’s all about learning. You learn about the world, you learn about yourself, and unfortunately sometimes, you learn through mistakes. A fresh start gives you that wonderful chance to take everything you’ve learnt, and make it a part of you without anyone wondering why you’ve suddenly changed your mind about fashionable clothes or politics.

And it’s not just big changes to England (or even to little old Dalby). You can make a fresh start in a new job, a new uni course, a new friendship. In fact I would argue that every day you have an opportunity, small as it might be, to start afresh in some aspect of your life. It’s the ultimate form of self-betterment. In fact, “self-betterment” is kind of a stupid phrase, and hard to say. It’s not about becoming better; it’s about becoming you. The you that you want to be. The you you’ve always been able to be. The real you. You you.

Safe travels, you.

Lizzyish gives advice: UNI1000

Hello and welcome to UNI1000 – Introduction to Surviving Uni

Following the success of my advice blog, where I gave advice on how to get through school, I have been inspired to write something similar for University students. In the following blog you will not find study tips, help with choosing courses, or suggestions for how to make yourself job-ready. What you will find is a series of actually useful things about surviving the other stuff, from making sure your tummy is filled, to making sure your social life is fulfilling. Enjoy…

Centrelink – Ah, Centrelink. The devil you must keep close. On the one hand, they give you free money, and you should never complain about them, on the other, they are a bureaucratic nightmare wrapped in a confusing website wrapped in a pile of contradictory mail. I have regularly received two letters on the same day, dated the same date, from two different Centrelink offices telling me two completely opposing and contradictory things. Like 1. “Dear Miss Ish, you are now eligible for payment, to be issued on the 1^st June 2007” and 2. “Dear Miss Ish, NO! NO MONEY FOR YOU, YOU MUST STARVE NOW AHAHAHA!”

When dealing with Centrelink, you must always stay at least 1 step ahead of the game. Study their website, read all the pamphlets, get to know their inner workings. Follow the rules, always report on time but always be on top of it. You should see one of your major occupations as “Centrelink Expert” because at any time they could do something crazy and cut you off. Exhibit A (from my own vault of experiences) – they may send a letter to your house, and it may not get to your house because Australia Post is in cahoots with Centrelink. They may receive this letter back marked “undeliverable”, they may send another letter to your house informing you that as they could not contact you at your house (where you are currently sitting, reading the letter), they have cut off your payments and you will now starve. The only solution to this was to call them up and cry. This worked quite well.

Finally, it is important to dress appropriately when going in for a crying session appointment at the Centrelink office. Your attire needs to say ‘I’m a responsible young adult who is taking care of themselves’, but also ‘I am so poor I’ve stopped using electricity to save on my electricity bills’. I would recommend jeans and a slightly too big tshirt, maybe with a few holes in them. Wear shoes, but only the ones where the soles are sort of flapping off when you walk.

Working – depending on what you study, it may be near impossible for you to maintain regular employment while at uni. Even if your contact hours are minimal, there’s still all the essays, exam prep, group meetings for stupid group assignments, and all the socialising you have to do. If you can manage it though, working while you’re at uni provides that little bit of extra cash Centrelink fails to give you, so that you are actually over the poverty line. Find something with about 10-15 hours a week. Never tell them when uni holidays are… they’ll give you way too many hours and it’ll dock your Centrelink and you’ll end up with less. See if there are any jobs at uni. One of the best jobs I had at uni was with the Support Services there. My job was to go to classes with students with a disability, take notes for them, help them to get to and from class, maybe get some books for them at the library, a bit of photocopying. It’s really easy and you end up going to classes that either you’ve already taken, or you were considering taking or are just generally interesting. Also you end up making a friend or two. And you get paid to hang out with them in the library. It’s win-win really.

Food – Undoubtedly, after you’ve fought with Centrelink and your job, you’re going to be hungry, and despite your best efforts, you’re not going to have much money for food. Here are a few tips to help you fill that studenty tum –

Gnocchi – it’s this pasta made from potatoes that you can buy in packets for about $3. There’s 2 – 3 meals there and once the water is boiling it cooks in literally a minute.

Mi Goreng – It’s like 2 minute noodles but better and it’s regularly on sale for very cheap. 2 minute noodles make you feel ill after a while, and Mi Goreng has fun flavourings in packets. Get someone whose made it before to show you how they do it, everyone has their own way. It’s like a special cult just for poor people, it’s awesome. Actually Mi Goreng makes you feel ill after a while too, if that’s all you’re eating. Maybe alternate?

Frozen veges – I know what you’re thinking… you’ve just moved out of home, you don’t have to eat veges anymore right? WRONG. I have one word for you: scurvy. Do you want your teeth to fall out because your gums have receded into your brain? No. So eat some goddamn vegetables. It’s unlikely that you’ll be able to afford fresh veg, so buy big packets of frozen veg and add to pasta/gnocchi/anything.

Red Meat – it is very difficult to be a vegetarian on a student budget, and you need iron for all that sleeping you’re going to do. You’re not going to be able to afford fancy steaks, but you can buy chopped up stir-fry meat for pretty cheap. Invest in a wok, home-brand soy sauce and some honey. Add in the frozen veges and bam! You’re a stir-fry wizard. Vermicilli rice noodles are very cheap and can be added to your stir-fry to add carbs. Or you can go with every student’s old faithful…

Rice – Rice can be bought in large quantities for not many dollars. Home-brand is definitely the way on this one. Rice is rice. You are literally paying for packaging on any other brand. Sunrice? Are you kidding me? There is no sun in that rice, not even a little speck of sunshiney happiness. Rice can be added to anything, and if you’re really poor, it can be eaten by itself if need be. It’s not glamorous, but it’ll get you through till that next Centrelink pay.

Also, learn to bake. Just a few simple things like scones, cupcakes, biscuits etc. Flour and other basics are all quite cheap and last for ages, and if you’re ever craving something sweet that you just can’t afford, you’ll have an endless supply of delicious baked goods. Baked goods are also an excellent way to make friends.

Furniture – beg, borrow and steal as much furniture as you can from family, friends and neighbours. After that, wait for the kerbside collections. These are a cut-throat business in suburbs with high densities of students. So you need to go out at about 10pm and do the rounds. People throw out all sorts of stuff – bookshelves, armchairs, milk crates… all useful in a shared student house.

Sleeping at Uni – this is one of the great pastimes of our generation. Got four hours to kill between classes? What better way is there to spend them except having a sneaky nap? Scope out the best spots, these may include the Z row in the library, an out of the way garden bed or an empty lecture theatre. I can only speak from my own experience at UQ but may I heartily recommend that amphitheatre type area near the lakes, the upper levels of the SS & H library and anywhere in the Great Court.

Your Social Life – making friends at uni can be difficult. The people in your classes one week may have all pissed off by the next. Just because you sat together in the lecture doesn’t mean you’ll ever find each other again. It took me a while, actually, to sort out how to do this but here are some of the things I worked out.

1.     Give it a bit of time. It’s not like school, you may only see people once a week or less.

2.     Be friendly to as many people as possible. All hierarchies you’ve ever known have just been thrown out the window, it is impossible to ascertain what kind of people are sitting in a tute room with you or whether or not they are ‘cool’ (in the popularity sense) or cool (in the actual sense). So just be nice, to everyone, and you’ll eventually work out who you actually want to be friends with.

3.     Be yourself (GROAN). I know how fucking irritating that is (who else are you meant to be, right?) but seriously, I made about 20x more friends when I stopped caring all the time and started just enjoying my classes, my lecturers and the people around me.

4.     Learn to bake. See earlier point.

5.     Join a society of some kind. Do you like something? A sport? Politics? The environment? Music? Dancing? Pokemon? Medieval re-enactments? Chances are someone else at uni does too and they’ve already started a group. On market day, sign up to as many things that interest you as possible and then, when they send you the first email ACTUALLY GO TO THE THING. Yes, it will be scary, yes, you may actually realise the whole thing was a terrible idea but probably at least one of the things you signed up for will be actually good. They will seem cliquey, they will all seem to know each other, they will forget your name but this is because they were just like you a year ago, and now they’ve found their niche and they’re so happy about it they sort of forgot what that was like. They will be your friends, they will remember your name, and you guys are going to have the best time doing whatever it is you do for the next 3-4 years. Just stick at it for a couple more weeks. Be yourself, be friendly, give it time, bake them a cake… you’ll be best friends by second semester.

I joined the Student Theatre Company, Underground, where I learned about 300 life skills, had some of the best times of my life, and made lots of friends, many of whom will be life-long. The other advantage was that eventually I got a key to the theatre, which really helped in the whole “sleeping at uni” thing. 

Lizzyish gives advice: to my siblings

Dear Charlie, Dear Patrick, Dear Sally

Unsolicited and unwanted advice for my younger siblings and anybody else who might care.

Dear C, P and S.

How are you? I hope school holidays are treating you well. For no apparent reason I have decided to write down the 10 most important things I reckon you need to know to get through school/your teens. Feel free to ignore these. But seriously, don’t, because they’re really good.

1.     You don’t have to accept every person who sends you a friend request on facebook. If they are a bit of a jerk at school, or you don’t actually know them, that’s what the ignore button is for. You’re just going to have to go through and delete them all one day, anyway. If there is a chance you may have an awkward ‘why didn’t you accept my friend request?’ conversation, sure, go ahead and add them, but click ‘unsubscribe’ so you don’t have to put up with their rubbish on a daily basis.

2.     If you ever really want to give up on something (like a musical instrument or a language or a sport), so bad that you honestly can’t contemplate doing it even one more time, give up on it. It’s not worth the angst even if you’re a genius at it.

3.     If you ever kinda want to give up on something because it is annoying, stick it out for one more school term. If you still want to give up on it then, but you don’t feel like you did about the thing in item 2, stick at it for just one more term, if sticking at it for half a year makes you feel like item 2, drop that thing like a hot potato. You tried, good job, go find something you love doing.

4.     Sport is fun, it’s a good way to stay healthy and meet nice people and learn some skills. If you’re not very good at it, find another sport that you like or are good at. Try them all. It doesn’t actually matter if you never get good at any of them. See items 2 and 3 also.

5.     You’re = you are (the apostrophe gives that one away), your = possession (as in, ‘that’s your coat’, ‘this is your idea of a good blog, Lizzy, not mine’). If you’re ever about to write the word ‘your’, ask yourself first if you’re actually saying ‘you are’, like I just did in this sentence, twice.

6.     All the variations of the word ‘there’ start with the word ‘the’. So if you’re about to write their/there/they’re, write ‘the’ first and then stop. The easiest one to remember is they’re, because it has an apostrophe and is just like ‘you’re’. It’s missing a letter, why? Because it’s really ‘they are’, easy! The other two you kinda just have to remember. Their = belongs to them. ‘It is their first day, be nice’, ‘that’s their mum, stop talking about them’. There = a place. ‘I hid it over there, don’t look at it.’ I have no idea how you’re going to remember these, but do. Because people judge you harshly for getting this stuff wrong, so you may as well surprise them from an early age by being awesome at grammar.

7.     If you ever like a boy or a girl, act on it. Either tell them, ask them on a date, or kiss them. As you get older, kissing them is the best way, because it makes it really clear, but you get to close your eyes so you don’t have to look and see if they are surprised/ repulsed/ about to reject you. The way I see it, if you tell them then one of four things will happen. 1. They will reject you horribly and you won’t get over it for a while, 2. They will reject you nicely and you’ll get over it pretty quickly, 3. They will tell you they like you too and everything will be great, or 4. They will be so happy that someone likes them they will suddenly like you even if they didn’t before. If you don’t tell them, here’s what will happen: 1. Nothing, 2. Pain, 3. Nothing, 4. You’ll do something crazy like yell at them for no reason (I am talking from really embarrassing experience on no. 4). So in conclusion, telling them has 2-3 good outcomes, not telling them has only pain and bad things.

8.     NEVER PUT ANY OF YOUR FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE IN A LETTER. If you like them enough, tell them to their face. Putting it in a letter risks embarrassment, teasing, and judgement for your lack of good grammar. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

9.     Don’t ever tease people. Never. Ever. Even if they are super ugly/stupid/lame/bad at things/annoying or even if they actually deserve it for being a jerk. Just walk away. Even if your friends are teasing them, just walk away. You will only ever regret teasing someone.

10. Being into stuff isn’t a bad thing. If you really like a TV show, a sport, a game, a comic, a band, an activity, a book, a movie, an actor, anything, chances are at some stage someone is going to try to make you feel bad about it. “I can’t believe you like X!” they will say, “X is for idiots/nerds/losers/girls/boys/little kids/etc etc etc,” they will bleat. I’m going to use a rude word now, it’s the first of the blog, and mum will have to forgive me. FUCK those guys. If you like something, like it! There’s this secret that you learn as you get older, but I’m going to pass it onto you guys now because I like you and you’re all cool enough to handle it (I wasn’t). If you are confident enough in the stuff you like, people will like you for it. If you turn around to that person and not only say, “Of course I like it” but also say “why wouldn’t you?!” And then talk in a really knowledgeable way for about 90 seconds on the merits of your favourite thing, that person will feel embarrassed and, whether they admit it or not, will respect you for standing up for yourself and your favourite thing. And the best bit is that other people who know about the thing will find you and want to be your friend. And soon you’ll have a whole group of people who are into the stuff you are. And because you were the first to publicly talk about the awesome thing, they will see you as some kind of awesome thing leader. And if you get into other stuff they will probably get into it with you. And you will be the awesome thing god/goddess.

I hope this helps. School sucks sometimes, but following the above 10 things can make it that little bit better. But mostly they’ll just make you awesome.

Love,

Lizzy