20 Legit Reasons People Voted for the LNP Probably

If you read my facebook feed, it’s clear that no one voted for the Coalition.

And yet here we are.

So, we must ask ourselves, if none of the diverse and interesting people I connect with on the internet voted for the LNP, who did? And more importantly, what were their reasons? I therefore present to you, 20 legitimate reasons why someone might have voted for Tony Abbott and his crew.

1.     They thought “LNP” stood for Loud Newts Party, and are now expecting some raucous lizards to be taking office.

2.     They completely misunderstood the voting process, and put an “I” not a “1” next to an LNP candidate. The “I”, in their mind, denoted the biggest Idiot on the ballot.

3.     They thought “the boats” was slang for really annoying hold music.

4.     They thought the Labo(u)r Party was founded on the idea that all people should be in childbirth all of the time.

5.     They thought the Greens are only for people who are literally green.

6.     They though PUP was an actual dog, and then, for some reason thought a person would be better at governing than an animal (wrong).

7.     They thought gay marriage was about happiness in marriages, and became concerned that their marriage wouldn’t pass the “happiness test” and that it would be deemed null and void.

8.     They ate the pencil while voting, and the graphite they subsequently coughed up accidentally formed a perfect 1 in the LNP box.

9.     Having been raised in the bush by wild pigs, they are afraid of literally all things, but especially women, who smell funny, and brown people, who look slightly different to other people.

10. They were hypnotised by a stage hypnotist once, to respond to their trigger phrase, “jobs and cuts” by writing a 1 next to LNP candidates. It was an extremely specific hypnotism show in the late 70s and it was art man, ART.

11. Having been in a coma for the last 7 years, they woke up on Election Day, saw Kevin Rudd’s face on TV and immediately assumed he was the man who put them in a coma all those years ago.

12. Having been in a coma for the last 60 years, they woke up on Election Day and relied on their convictions and values to guide them when voting.

13. They donkey voted. By that I mean they are an actual donkey with no understand of federal politics. Who let that donkey in here? Is that even allowed?

"hahaha voting!"

14. They think the PNG solution is a policy whereby we’ll all be given a free holiday to Papua New Guinea every year, I hear it’s lovely there… if you’re a tourist.

15. They consume only Murdoch run newspapers. Literally. I mean that they eat them, imbuing themselves with the power of the media and also its one-sided views.

16. They think the Australian economy is in dire straights for some reason.

17. They really hate reasonable class sizes, and want their children to have to hang from the ceiling in a 50-student class. That’s character building, that is.

18. They are one of Rupert Murdoch’s many robots, sent to do his bidding (his bidding is voting LNP, in case that wasn’t clear).

19. In a stunning display of their own ignorance, they thought to do otherwise would be to throw away their vote.

20. They are this lady: 

When I'm Prime Minister

Except where it says "Quimby" read "Lizzy King" and where it says "Mayor" read "benevolent dictator"

Stand up and be counted, it’s time to put your vote in the right place. I know you’re sick of the Labor party’s shambolic mismanagement of itself, and our country, but I know you’re also afraid that this man might one day be in charge of things like fiscal and foreign policy, instead of just how to dress himself and shout a lot.

So I come to you now with a viable alternative, me, obviously, doofus. Sure, I may not have many credentials, but neither does Barnaby Joyce, and he’s the leader of the National Party and also one time ate a hot dog. Wait, stop comparing me to Barnabus, bad example. Look, no, the truth is I don’t have the traditional background for politics, but I do have a lot of policies that I think might interest you.

Firstly, I would make it so that no one was allowed to say “Gen Y” on TV. Yeah, you think Gillard’s proposed media restrictions were strict? I’m also banning the phrase “illegal refugees” and the TV shows Today Tonight, A Current Affair and My Kitchen Rules. Your kitchen does not rule, shush.

I would read the thing we signed some time ago saying how many refugees we would let in to our country, and then… get this… I’d let that many in. Also, I would only imprison people who have committed crimes under Australian law.  As asylum seeking is not illegal, I would house asylum seekers in appropriate housing and we’d all move on. Also, it would cost us all a lot less than imprisoning them. Also, also, they’d be able to contribute to society. Also, also, also it wouldn’t be morally reprehensible. Everyone wins. 

Woah that got heavy, back to the fun stuff. As Prime Minister (or is it President of the Universe?) I will work very hard to make the 4-day working week a glorious reality. The four-day work week is an actual thing and I think we should just try it guys, I’m open to suggestions on which day we take off. Probably people will go for either Friday or Monday, but I am also partial to a mid week nap day.

I would make all the meat free-range meat because this is my soapbox and you’re damn right I’m going to stand on it and say a bunch of stuff.

While we’re up here, obviously, marriage equality would just like, happen, and employers would be held accountable for having racist, sexist or generally bigoted hiring policies. People who start stupid Hashtags on twitter would be banned from the internet for 24 hours.

More money would go to scientific research. Pretty much… are you working to find out how the world can be better (curing diseases, reducing carbon emissions, space exploration etc)? Cool, expect a pay rise.

Meanwhile, we’ll save a heap of money on the whole refugee thing and also with the four-day week thing. And a bunch of other things I haven’t thought about yet, but I’m getting there. I have a head cold, cut me some slack. Head colds will be cured soon hopefully; I am throwing a LOT of money at science.

Education is also going to get a lot better. I don’t know if you realise this, but an educated society is… better? At everything? So more teachers, more schools, better resources. And we’re going to take a good hard look at Finland, and just basically adopt most of what they are doing. NAPLAN can jump in a creek. Education will also have a strong focus on life skills. Single sex schools will have to sort something out, because that is not going to fly anymore. Also, sex education will be compulsory from grade 6 and will involve mostly discussions about consent. Also, kids will learn how to respect one another, crazy right?

I will campaign for universal TV rights. If something gets released in the UK on a Saturday night, you’ll be able to watch it within 24 hours on Australian TV. There will always be legal, viable ways for you to watch and own good TV so you don’t resort to stealing. I’ll have a strong word with TV producers around the world about how frankly, if they want audiences to like them and pay for their shows, maybe they shouldn’t make them wait 6 – 12 months before they can do so. I will also introduce them to tumblr and just say… “You see? This is why.”

Most importantly, I will be your kind and benevolent leader. As time goes on you will realise that I am the best at all things, and you have no real need for anyone else. Elections will pass us by and we’ll think, oh… do we really need those things? And you will decide, no, of course not, who else could possibly lead us? I will love you, you will love me. Membership to the Hum Drum Plum party is 50 cents, and you get a badge. Sign up at https://www.facebook.com/HumDrumPlum

Lizzyish has Opinions: Why I Love Kevin Rudd

Let me begin by saying, I’m not a massive politics nerd, I’m not even 100% sure how our government system works. I mean I’m not completely uneducated on the topic, though that’s only due my own research. (Thanks school, for teaching me all the important stuff like algebra and poetry analysis, but not how voting works or how the government is run). I know enough to keep up with most political conversations I hear, and to enjoy them, and to make up my own mind about voting.

Importantly, I know that we don’t vote for a leader, we vote for a party.

Or rather, we vote for local members, who become government if they are in the majority (or even if they’re not) and through a series of events I don’t care to understand, involving the rather silly sounding word, ‘caucus’ choose a leader.

I know that the policies of the ALP haven’t really changed much between leaders, so, as a generally left leaning Labor voter, why do I kind of wish Kevin Rudd was still Prime Minister?

Because I like him, is the rather childish answer.

The Kevin07 campaign happened in the lead up to my first federal election. The first time I voted was for the Labor party, almost solely because of Kevin Rudd. My whole teen years had been dominated by John Howard, to the point where the name “Howard” was completely synonymous with the words “Prime Minister”. Sure, I remembered Keating, but the politics of my teens were refugees and the children overboard saga, GST and “unchain your heart”, Work Choices, and eyebrows. Kevin Rudd represented change, hope and a whole lot less facial hair.

PMKevin was well spoken and clever, he was easy to respect, in the way a dad is easy to respect. He was funny, again in a kind of lame dad way, but still. He went on Good News Week and Rove, he wasn’t afraid to say stupid shit about sauce bottles. He laughed off that time he picked his nose during Parliament. He went to that strip club that time. He got emotional on camera. His twitter stream was 50% informative, 50% about funny shit that happened to him in the course of being a Prime Minister. In short, he was likeable.

His ‘proud of the fact that’ speech, while repetitive to the point of embarrassment, was one of the best political speeches I’ve ever heard from an Australian pollie. Simply because it was honest, and gracious, and unlike anything you’d ever hear from any one else.

The day Kevin Rudd stopped being Prime Minister was simultaneously exciting and depressing for me. Exciting because of twitter, depressing because of Julia. Julia Gillard is so unlikeable, especially compared to Rudd. She’s cold, reserved and has an irritating voice. I bet if she picked her nose in parliament she would blame it on Tony Abbott.

I don’t have a lot to say about Rudd’s resignation as Foreign Minister today. I think it was inevitable, and about as graceful as possible in the circumstances. I do have this to say though: Hey Labor party members talking about disloyalty? What side were you on in June 2010 ha? And Wayne Swan? Kevin could fucking kick your ass in hand-to-hand combat. He would roll up those sleeves, take of those glasses and smash you into the fucking ground, you weedy bastard. Disloyalty, honestly, is that really the best word you can think of to discredit him?

I KNOW we’re meant to care about their politics, but if we’re being ruled by a party, and not by a leader, then why wouldn’t you want a funny, down-to-earth, sauce bottle shaking, twitter-savvy dad as that leader? That’s all I’m saying.