Self-Indulgent Rubbish - Guest Post by Alex Neill

Today's Guest Post is by Alex Neill, thanks so much to Alex for writing the first in a series of blogs by a number of wonderful guests.

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Recently I’ve been reading the comics of Lucy Knisley because I luv her and she is great. Yesterday I finished ‘Radiator Days’, a self-published collection of miscellaneous comics that she wrote over a two year period while at grad school.

When I went to rate it on Goodreads (four stars, would recommend) I discovered that several people had given it no stars. Or rather, to quote, “I am giving this book one star because according to Goodreads that means I didn’t like it. And I did not like it”. Wow lady, that’s an articulate and well-thought out review you got there. A number of other reviews agree with this lady’s assertion that this book is whiney and self-indulgent. Apparently it’s all first-world-problems and “waaah why can’t I have a moped”.

Well guess what? I relate to that shit. And if worrying about the instability of a career in the arts is self-indulgent, then that’s what I am. (Also Lucy Knisley does not just want a moped, she actually buys a moped online but does not receive a working moped. Thus she has both no money AND no moped. That is tragic you guys.)

Over on my blog this week, I wrote about memory and Doctor Who. While writing that piece it occurred to me that a lot of the emotions I was talking about were self-indulgent. So I was slightly miserable while having Christmas in England a couple of years ago? Boohoo. I also got to make snowmen in a blizzard. I had no real reason to be sad and, looking back, I realise that a lot of that sadness was pretty misguided. It’s easy to look at those emotions and think: “What are you complaining about? That problem is tiny. Suck it up.”

But I think sometimes it’s important to remember that there was a time when those feelings did matter. I don’t regret missing my school formal because I was in Italy, of course I don’t. But at the time I was a sad not to be there and I missed my friends on the other side of the world. Boxing Day that year I wallowed in homesickness and actual sickness while eating leftover turkey and watching Top Gear. I remember lying on the couch thinking over and over and over again that I did not want to fly to Spain. I didn’t want to get up at some ridiculous time the following morning and catch yet another plane. I didn’t want to go to another country, I wanted to go home.

That is quite obviously, a stupid thing to think. I ended up loving Spain, completely. The homesickness evaporated in light of their food and their maritime museums. I had the most amazing time. But I didn’t know any of that on that day in snowy Winchester.

Homesickness is an irrational emotion. And I think that a lot of the emotions that seem really dumb in retrospect fall into that category. They’re not the emotions we can rationalise or explain, we just feel them. And sometimes we feel them an awful lot.

Right now I spend an awful lot of my time worrying about the future. I’m about the finish university and next year I’m moving to Melbourne and (hopefully) getting a job. I worry about moving and packing and finding a place to live. I worry about making new friends and losing old ones. But most of all I worry about finding a job doing what I love. Maybe in twenty years I’ll look back and wonder why these thoughts occupied such a huge portion of my time. I hope so. That’ll mean the worries were ultimately unfounded.

And maybe Lucy Knisley’s work will be different when I re-read it ten or twenty years from now. Maybe I’ll be able to see a little of what those one-star reviewers are talking about. But I like to think I’ll be able to read them and remember what it feels like now, remember why these feelings mattered. Because, even all the way in the future, it will still matter a little bit if only because it matters now.

Alex Neill blogs at Adventures in TV-Land and tweets @paper_bag_girl. She doesn't like carrots or writing bios.

Predictions for “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them”

So before I became a Game of Thrones nut, long before Doctor Who became my thing, I was a Harry Potter fanatic. I mean, yeah, so was every other child in the world, but I feel this warrants a mention. Why? Because there’s a new Harry Potter film coming out. That's right, a new one. The answer to all of our prayers. And I’m pretty fucking keen, yo.

This film will be based on the for-charity add-on book Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them which is a text book referenced in the novels about magical creatures. Sounds boring, right? MY GOD ARE YOU WRONG THERE, FRIEND. First up, important to note is that J.K. Rowling herself is writing it, which means that it won’t be Steve Kloved to death, i.e. it will be a good adaptation. Secondly, it’s actually going to be about the wizard who researched and wrote the book, Newt Scamander and it’s set in 1920s New York. 1920s Magic New York. I don’t know how if it’s possible for me to be more excited about this.

I just read the book for the first time (I know, I know, I honestly don’t know how I hadn’t read it yet, please don’t revoke my fandom license), so here are my predictions for what we will see in the film.

1.     Slapstick galore – Newt will hit a fantastic beast with a kettle, this will happen.

2.     Montage of incredibly boring beasts.

3.     A 1920s flapper love interest, yessssss so excited.

4.     Amazing New York version of/ answer to Diagon Alley, big sweeping shots of magical shops and wonder.

5.     Haharr aren’t Americans so funny with their funny ways?

6.     Haharr aren’t British people so quaint with their quaint ways?

7.     Newt’s love interest will help him with unicorns, and he will thus discover that they prefer witches to wizards.

8.     Mountain climbing.

9.     Underwater scene in glorious, eerie green hues.

10.  Dragons. Awesome, angry, fiery, spiky dragons.

11. Dumbledore appearance. Which I would be excited about except film Dumbledore is awful. “HARRYDIDYAPUTYANAMEINDAGOBLADEFIYAH?!?!”

12. Perhaps a McGonagall appearance. Animagi aren’t beasts, they’re witches/wizards, but maybe that will be somehow relevant.

13. It is too early for a Hagrid appearance, unless the film spans a number of decades. If it does, there’ll be a young Hagrid appearance and that would be awesome.

14. Magic New York! I can’t emphasise enough how exciting this is for me. Discovering the world of HP was always some of the best stuff in those books, so we get to do that all over again. There’ll be secret entrances to magical places in Times Square, and fun muggle interactions in Central Park.

15. OMG there’ll be magical beasts in Central Park that is brilliant.

16. Jo Rowling cameo? That might be wishful thinking.

17. Newt Scamander will be a white dude. Let’s get that out of the way now. And people will be mad about it. I’m offering no opinion on the matter, just stating facts. Also if he isn’t a white dude people will be mad about that too. People are just generally mad about things, to be honest.

18. Loch Ness monster will feature as a major plot point perhaps? Or the yeti? Memory charms and misinformation and all that stuff will be explored.

19. From now on, fan fiction will involve a lot more time travel to facilitate cross-overs between the two eras. And lots and lots of Harry/Newt fics. So much. More than you can possibly comprehend. It’s already started, I am very confident about that.

20. This will be the first in a series of film spin offs. I’m predicting that we’ll get Quidditch through the Ages as well as (fingers crossed) one day, a Marauder era film. Or even, and I know I’m just getting giddy now, a second generation (i.e. the trio’s kids) film. And this is why I’m so excited people. It will never die. HARRY POTTER, THE FILM FRANCHISE THAT LIVED.

Starting next week we’re going to have a few guests joining us. First up will be Alex Neill, who has very generously agreed to do the first guest post for me next Sunday. Stay tuned.

Stop. Collaborate and Blog.

Another late post, I am sorry. I’m a very busy lady with very important things to do, and sometimes blogs are hard. Also I didn’t get a lot of sleep on the weekend due to Relay for Life which involved walking a lot and also sleeping in a tent. Cancer. What a bastard.

When I did PPOM last month, blogging was so much easier. Topics were still tricky to think of, writing was still a long process, but motivation came easy, inspiration was never far away, and publishing posts felt even more rewarding than usual. Plus more people got to discover some of the blogs I read all the time, and more people than usual got to read my stuff too. Those are two different things you guys, I swear.

I guess blogging can be a lonely process, really. While yes, it can be seen as a desperate attempt to connect with others screaming, “look! Look what I think! Reeeeead my wooooords”, the groundwork is still all done alone, usually late at night, in the dark, eating chocolate and weeping. Ask any professional writer, this is how it’s done. But I’m a people person, I like doing things with others, just ask them. But seriously, I think the loneliness of writing has always been one of my biggest stumbling blocks. That, and laziness, and procrastination, and the other stuff that always seems to get in the way.

I discovered last month, however, that blogging doesn’t always have to be so lonely. You can chat about topics with people beforehand, giving each other encouragement and feedback, you can collaborate with others on a theme, you can comment on each other’s finished work. And it’s friggin great, and NOT something I want to let go of.

And that’s where you come in. I’m going to be very busy over the next few weeks, and will definitely struggle to keep up with my own weekly schedule. But for some reason, I feel the need to put a blog in front of people’s eyes every Sunday (or close to). It just might not always be my words for the next few weeks. Basically, I’m on the hunt for guest bloggers to take a Sunday or two off my hands. I’d been keen for people who already have blogs and those who just want to give it a go to… you know, give it a go. I have guest blogged for other people a few times and it is super fun and a little scary but always rewarding. If you’re keen, please get in contact via facebook or at humdrumplum [at] gmail [dot] com. I promise I’ll look after you, I won’t just throw you in the deep end. All topics welcome.

And further, after my crazy month or so has died down, I want to collaborate with you. If you have a blog, or would be keen to start one, let’s write together. Perhaps monthly even. We could have topics of the month. We could have an internet book club, or film club, or whatever. I want to round up an army of people with words to write, and unleash our words on the unsuspecting world. It’s the first step on my list to conquer the world.

So don’t be shy, send me a message/email saying “hey! I want to write a thing!” and we’ll go from there. 

20 Legit Reasons People Voted for the LNP Probably

If you read my facebook feed, it’s clear that no one voted for the Coalition.

And yet here we are.

So, we must ask ourselves, if none of the diverse and interesting people I connect with on the internet voted for the LNP, who did? And more importantly, what were their reasons? I therefore present to you, 20 legitimate reasons why someone might have voted for Tony Abbott and his crew.

1.     They thought “LNP” stood for Loud Newts Party, and are now expecting some raucous lizards to be taking office.

2.     They completely misunderstood the voting process, and put an “I” not a “1” next to an LNP candidate. The “I”, in their mind, denoted the biggest Idiot on the ballot.

3.     They thought “the boats” was slang for really annoying hold music.

4.     They thought the Labo(u)r Party was founded on the idea that all people should be in childbirth all of the time.

5.     They thought the Greens are only for people who are literally green.

6.     They though PUP was an actual dog, and then, for some reason thought a person would be better at governing than an animal (wrong).

7.     They thought gay marriage was about happiness in marriages, and became concerned that their marriage wouldn’t pass the “happiness test” and that it would be deemed null and void.

8.     They ate the pencil while voting, and the graphite they subsequently coughed up accidentally formed a perfect 1 in the LNP box.

9.     Having been raised in the bush by wild pigs, they are afraid of literally all things, but especially women, who smell funny, and brown people, who look slightly different to other people.

10. They were hypnotised by a stage hypnotist once, to respond to their trigger phrase, “jobs and cuts” by writing a 1 next to LNP candidates. It was an extremely specific hypnotism show in the late 70s and it was art man, ART.

11. Having been in a coma for the last 7 years, they woke up on Election Day, saw Kevin Rudd’s face on TV and immediately assumed he was the man who put them in a coma all those years ago.

12. Having been in a coma for the last 60 years, they woke up on Election Day and relied on their convictions and values to guide them when voting.

13. They donkey voted. By that I mean they are an actual donkey with no understand of federal politics. Who let that donkey in here? Is that even allowed?

"hahaha voting!"

14. They think the PNG solution is a policy whereby we’ll all be given a free holiday to Papua New Guinea every year, I hear it’s lovely there… if you’re a tourist.

15. They consume only Murdoch run newspapers. Literally. I mean that they eat them, imbuing themselves with the power of the media and also its one-sided views.

16. They think the Australian economy is in dire straights for some reason.

17. They really hate reasonable class sizes, and want their children to have to hang from the ceiling in a 50-student class. That’s character building, that is.

18. They are one of Rupert Murdoch’s many robots, sent to do his bidding (his bidding is voting LNP, in case that wasn’t clear).

19. In a stunning display of their own ignorance, they thought to do otherwise would be to throw away their vote.

20. They are this lady: