The Uncomplex yet Perfect Relationship of me and Lizzy King (We are not in Love) - Guest Post by Kyle Walmsley

Today's (late) blog comes to us from Kyle Walmsley.

I live in Darwin. I am writing this blog in Queensland. Which is where Lizzy lives. Which is poignant. I won’t be seeing Lizzy while I’m here. I’ll tell you why.  I first met Lizzy King when I was running a small bookshop in Notting Hill and she was a famous actress shooting her latest movie and I happened to spill orange juice all over myself and her.

This was not how Lizzy King and I met. That’s the plot of Notting Hill. We’re also not in love. As far as I know. No. We’re not in love.. In fact we’re not even close friends. In fact I hate that bitch. Woah. Sorry, that’s not true. But our relationship isn’t as complex as Hugh Grant’s and Julia Roberts in Notting Hill… which isn’t that complex to start with… which is what I’m writing about today as guest blogger – the uncomplex relationship of Lizzy and myself through the power of social media and words.

Lizzy and I aren’t close friends. That seems like quite a stinging statement, even though I thought about it and practiced it. I really like Lizzy. She’s funny, and clever, has mad theatre skills, we both love comedy and the Kransky Sisters. In fact, our journeys matched up quite strangely the same – we both moved from Brisbane to nowhere, different nowhere, in order to embrace a change and take a break from city living.  

So why aren’t we close friends? I remember growing up, girls especially, seemed to always be pressured into having a best friend. Or a few best friends. In the theatre too, everyone likes to greet everyone with the biggest loudest, “DARLING!!!” you can manage across the room, and introduce everyone as “THIS IS ANDREA SHE’S SIMPLY THE MOST FABULOUS BEST PERSON YOU’LL EVER MEET AND I LOVE HER AND SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND!”. Which is full of insincerity and cheapens real connections. Who I want to fly a flag for are not best friends. I want to fly a flag for those friends who you don’t ever see. Those from whom you aren’t drifting further apart from, but are in fact quite stably and comfortably secured in the perimeters of their consciousness, with no guilt or anxiety about having to climb the ranks of their priority list.

My Facebook feed is made up of three categories: 1) close friends, 2) mentals and 3) Lizzy Kings.  Let me go through these for you now for a little deepening in understanding.

1) Close friends – these are people in my real life that I know. I often see them. I work with them. I know when they’re lying on Facebook, I know when they are seeking out attention, I don’t really care what they’re up to on Facebook because I’ll either see them in real life soon and hear about it, or am involved in what they’re Facebooking about.

2) Mentals – Include people I actively seek out for my own disturbing amusement. People like Annika, a 24 year old mother of three, who has lots of fights with her on again off again boyfriend via her facebook statuses and as I look over now to see what her status is it reads “F**k off you geriatric b*tch, don’t tell me “you know” how to handle my child. You’re opinion is completely unwanted here.” .  People like Steven, 28, who insist that money isn’t real, and that you are actually able to pay bills, fines and government institutions with a piece of paper that is signed and reads “this is legal tender”.

3) Lizzy Kings - These are people that I know, have shared some sort of experience with and now exist only in my news feed. I see them in real life… never. I live in a different state, a different time zone, and here’s the real hard truth – will likely not see them again, outside of bumping into them at the in the street or theatre… or the Gatton local bachelor and spinster’s ball.

These are called the Lizzy Kings because Lizzy King is the model for this category. We met in 2010, creating poetry on stage as part of a creative team that brought an independent show to Metro Arts in Brisbane. Then Lizzy became my favourite person in the world by working her connections to get me a free ticket to The Kranksy Sisters at the Powerhouse. We laughed. We cried. We fell in love again. With the Kransky Sisters. 

And that was it. That was the last time I saw Lizzy. And it’s not because I did a poo in her letterbox, or we fell out of love (we were never in love), it’s just that in life things happen, people end up in different places in the world, and some people are closer than others.

Now here’s the interesting thing. Twenty years ago, had you wanted to keep in contact with a Lizzy King, you’d have to really make an effort – write letters or use the telephone (that’s right, TELEphone… because that’s what they called phones back then). THESE DAYS every week I have a new insight and understanding of Lizzy – through this very blog and her Facebook and her postings on both. I know lots of things about her, her likes and dislikes, political opinions, and what’s she’s been up to. If I were stalking her through a dating profile website, I could totally make the conversation on our first date amazing thanks to all the interest and study I could do around her (once again, not in love). And not just Lizzy but ALL Lizzys. I know intimate details and feelings about people that I haven’t seen in years. We exchange birthday thankyous – share occasional memories of meetings past and frequently ‘like’ each others outward creative expressions… but that’s it.

And it’s awesome. In fact it’s my preference. You get to uphold images of people in your mind with just the good bits, and the filter they choose to use to broadcast to the world, heck knows, I certainly wish I could take a few relationships and erase out the boring, or frustrating bits or the bits where they got to see me have a tantrum or embarrass myself. It’s totally non-committal – I can check in on the other person whenever I feel like it, and they me. And even if they’re sick of hearing from me, I can still check in on them. It’s perfect. It’s true love (it’s not true love).

Please note – the reason this blog is late is because I didn’t submit it on time. Whatever. It’s not like I’m ever going to see Lizzy for her to get me in trouble. (Editor's note - no, but you did give me free reign with the photo...)

Kyle Walmsley circa 2010 when we knew each other IRL - Photo by Amelia Dowd. 

Kyle Walmsley is an actor and writer based in Darwin in the Northern Territory. He writes his own blog at www.imverytiredandcranky.blogspot.com

12 Things I do that my Teenaged Self would Judge me for

Art.

1.     I wear clothes that are fashionable because they are fashionable. Of course, I also wear really ugly shit, and stuff that I like, that no one else in their right mind would wear, but I do that for me, not to prove a point. The point is I try to look nice on a regular basis, and Teenaged Lizzy would think that was the height of conformity (a bad thing, obviously).

2.     I like stuff because other people are into it. See point 1.

3.     Social Media. Not only do I use it, I LOVE it. Facebook didn’t exist when Teenaged Lizzy was around, but if it had, you can rest assured she would’ve thought it was stupid. Teenaged Lizzy’s boyfriend got a Myspace once, and a few weeks’ later he was no longer her boyfriend. THOSE THINGS WERE NOT RELATED – but someone asked if it was. For real, they thought she’d broken up with him because he joined Myspace. What does that say about Teenaged Lizzy, huh?

4.     I drink alcohol. Older Teenaged Lizzy was well on board with this one, but younger Teenaged Lizzy definitely thought getting drunk was the WORST thing in the ENTIRE world.

5.     I’ve don't hate drugs. WHAT! Teen Lizzy would’ve flat out refused to believe this. Teen Lizzy (Teen Wolf?) was the most irritating person in the entire world about drugs. “Is _____ going to be there? I can’t come to the party then, in case he brings drugs.” TEEN LIZZY IF ­­­_____ BRINGS DRUGS GO TO A DIFFERENT ROOM OR LEAVE DON’T MAKE THE HOST FEEL BAD FOR INVITING THEIR FRIEND OMG.

6.     I respect my parents’ opinions. And I don’t just mean in that “yes mum, whatever you say, mum” kind of way. I mean like, if I have an emotional issue, I call my mum to talk about it because she knows me really well and is wise and clever. And my dad is my go to guy for life decisions like purchasing cars or insurance and what have you. Also cooking. They know things. I proactively seek their opinions on those things.

7.     I don’t believe in God. That’s right, Teen Lizzy, all your holier-than-thou shit is going to look even stupider in a few years when I throw in the towel on the whole Catholic thing and take up full time Atheism.

8.     I exercise and eat well. What up Teen Lizzy, being healthy isn’t lame ok, it’s a good thing that means I don’t get sick all the time like you do.

9.     I forgive people for their mistakes. Teen Lizzy, your love/friendship isn’t so important that people should have to be perfect in order to earn it. If they can say “sorry”, you can say, “no worries”.

10. I eat avocados. They are the fruit of the gods. I don’t know what you were smoking, Teen Lizzy, to think they weren’t delicious (though I think we can all assume it wasn’t drugs).

11. I write funny things, because, Teen Lizzy, you don’t make friends with bad poetry about emotions.

12. I have embraced the Inner Nerd you tried to keep hidden for so long, Teen Lizzy, she’s nice and she has good t-shirts, I wish you’d let her out earlier.

13. I have internet friends because internet friends are good, and guess what Teen Lizzy? YOU’RE A NERD, ACCEPT IT!