12 Things I do that my Teenaged Self would Judge me for

Art.

1.     I wear clothes that are fashionable because they are fashionable. Of course, I also wear really ugly shit, and stuff that I like, that no one else in their right mind would wear, but I do that for me, not to prove a point. The point is I try to look nice on a regular basis, and Teenaged Lizzy would think that was the height of conformity (a bad thing, obviously).

2.     I like stuff because other people are into it. See point 1.

3.     Social Media. Not only do I use it, I LOVE it. Facebook didn’t exist when Teenaged Lizzy was around, but if it had, you can rest assured she would’ve thought it was stupid. Teenaged Lizzy’s boyfriend got a Myspace once, and a few weeks’ later he was no longer her boyfriend. THOSE THINGS WERE NOT RELATED – but someone asked if it was. For real, they thought she’d broken up with him because he joined Myspace. What does that say about Teenaged Lizzy, huh?

4.     I drink alcohol. Older Teenaged Lizzy was well on board with this one, but younger Teenaged Lizzy definitely thought getting drunk was the WORST thing in the ENTIRE world.

5.     I’ve don't hate drugs. WHAT! Teen Lizzy would’ve flat out refused to believe this. Teen Lizzy (Teen Wolf?) was the most irritating person in the entire world about drugs. “Is _____ going to be there? I can’t come to the party then, in case he brings drugs.” TEEN LIZZY IF ­­­_____ BRINGS DRUGS GO TO A DIFFERENT ROOM OR LEAVE DON’T MAKE THE HOST FEEL BAD FOR INVITING THEIR FRIEND OMG.

6.     I respect my parents’ opinions. And I don’t just mean in that “yes mum, whatever you say, mum” kind of way. I mean like, if I have an emotional issue, I call my mum to talk about it because she knows me really well and is wise and clever. And my dad is my go to guy for life decisions like purchasing cars or insurance and what have you. Also cooking. They know things. I proactively seek their opinions on those things.

7.     I don’t believe in God. That’s right, Teen Lizzy, all your holier-than-thou shit is going to look even stupider in a few years when I throw in the towel on the whole Catholic thing and take up full time Atheism.

8.     I exercise and eat well. What up Teen Lizzy, being healthy isn’t lame ok, it’s a good thing that means I don’t get sick all the time like you do.

9.     I forgive people for their mistakes. Teen Lizzy, your love/friendship isn’t so important that people should have to be perfect in order to earn it. If they can say “sorry”, you can say, “no worries”.

10. I eat avocados. They are the fruit of the gods. I don’t know what you were smoking, Teen Lizzy, to think they weren’t delicious (though I think we can all assume it wasn’t drugs).

11. I write funny things, because, Teen Lizzy, you don’t make friends with bad poetry about emotions.

12. I have embraced the Inner Nerd you tried to keep hidden for so long, Teen Lizzy, she’s nice and she has good t-shirts, I wish you’d let her out earlier.

13. I have internet friends because internet friends are good, and guess what Teen Lizzy? YOU’RE A NERD, ACCEPT IT!

Converted

Clearly that is stained glass...

Internet is the new religion.

We worship at altars named Safari and Chrome and Firefox daily, and some old-fashioned people still worship at an old decrepit relic known as Internet Explorer. We connect through personal reflection on smart phones every few hours.

Personally, I live in the way of the Internet; everything I do is of the Internet, for the Internet and to the glory of the Internet. I love it and it loves me. Sometimes, the Internet punishes me for reasons I don’t quite understand. I do not question when the Internet shows me unending cat gifs or Sherlock/Watson fanfic, for the Internet moves in mysterious ways. The Internet knows best.

I pay a part of my monthly income to the Internet and it forms a part of my professional, social and family lives. Without it I am lost, wandering in the desert, helpless.

Trolls and cyber bullies try to misuse the Internet. They start holy flame wars and try to blame their problems on the Internet. But the Internet can be used for good; for charity, for helping others and raising awareness. It can be used to spread love and joy, happiness and fun. This is the true way of the Internet, and those who walk in the light know this in their hearts and hard drives.

The Internet is not like most, modern religions; it celebrates sex and sexuality. In fact it’s kind of pagan in its worship of all things sex.

The Internet has its own community of worshippers, brought together by the glory of the Internet, to bask in its love and share its joy with one another. I have many friends with whom I share a deep connection due to our shared love of the Internet. We met through the Internet, and worship daily together.

I am zealous in my conversion of others. I will enthusiastically show them videos and pictures when we meet IRL (In Real Life – a sad existence sans Internet) and discuss the merits of my favourite ways to worship – Twitter, Tumblr, my blog. I am always glad and excited when I help someone to become even closer to the Internet. And the Internet rewards me when I do this by giving me a new follower, a new person to interact with, a new reader.

The Internet is open to interpretation, and is its own holy text.

The Internet sent a prophet to us, his name is Stephen Fry and he is the one, true embodiment of the Internet.

The Internet’s most holy ritual is the scrolling through and checking of one’s entire feed.

The Internet’s most holy image changes regularly, as it is the Google Home Page.

The Internet’s most holy animal is the cat.

All hail the Internet.