Overanalysing Disney

... or Lizzy realises her childhood is a lie.

Ah, it's been done to death, I know. I'm pretty sure people have written university level theses on Disney films. But I recently rewatched four classic Disneys and I have to get some stuff off my chest. I watched: Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid and Aladdin.

First up: parents. The only main character in any of these who has a mum and a dad is Simba. That's cool - we're showing children from a young age that no family is "normal" and it's ok to be raised by a single parent or, in the case of Aladdin, none at all: "I'd blame parents 'cept he hasn't got 'em" (Fat Lady, "One Jump Ahead", Aladdin, 1992). But my beef is, why is there never any explanation?

King Triton has a lot of daughters... like a lot. Are they all from the same mother? They don't look alike.

Does he get surrogates, or does he have concubines who must give up their children? Does he banish those concubines in anger for not giving him a male heir? He has a pretty intense temper, I wouldn't put it past him.

And sure, Simba's got a mum and dad... but has anyone else noticed that Mufasa is the only lion in a pride of lionesses? I mean, points for accuracy there Disney: there's no way a strong alpha like Mufasa would let any other males hang around his females, but ah... doesn't that make Nala Simba's sister?

Did Belle's mum just get fed up with her crazy inventor husband and walk out? Or did one of his inventions backfire and kill her? That's important backstory right there. If her dad accidentally killed her mum, Belle's 3 day romance with the Beast suddenly makes a lot more sense. She's a confused individual - she'll look for love anywhere.

And that, quite neatly, brings me to my next point. What's the obsession with 3 days Disney? Princess Jasmine has to marry before her next birthday... in three days' time. So, that means that the entire film: Jasmine's 'amusing' near death and impersonation of a mentally ill person in the marketplace, Aladdin's arrest, the Cave of Wonders, Aladdin's transformation into Prince Ali, the courting of Jasmine, the attempted murder of Aladdin, Jafar's crazy snake moment and the Genie's freedom... all happen in 3 days. There just aren't enough hours in there for all of that. I'm pretty sure there are at least 5 nights. Perhaps Arabian nights are different... and just happen when ever you need some drama.

Ariel, too, has to get a true love's kiss out of Eric before sundown on the third day. She doesn't have her voice to charm him with her wit... so relies upon eyelash batting and falling into lakes. It doesn't work... it takes 3 days and about half an hour.

And yeah - I'm pretty sure Belle spends all of about 3 days in the castle with the Beast before her dad is struck down with some sort of illness and she bails on him - accidentally setting a village of rednecks on him in the process.

I feel like we can't really blame Belle though; she is, after all, a child. Why is everyone in Disney 16? I mean, we're talking about marriage and true love and transforming oneself from one species to another here. Can't the characters at least be... I don't know 20? Shouldn't Ariel be in school?

The Little Mermaid was one of my all time favourites as a child. Obsessed. I watched the straight-to-VHS Little Mermaid movie about a whale (Whale of a Tale? Whale of a Time?) until it just about fell apart. But now, watching it as an adult: it's a story about a selfish princess who has the best life ever: no school, daddy's favourite, concerts in her honour... "but who cares, no big deal, I want mooooore" (selfish brat, "Part of Your World", The Little Mermaid, 1989). She then disobeys her father, makes a deal with a woman she knows to be a witch, goes to land with no plan, fucks it up, gets rescued by a prince, and leaves behind a very loyal friend, a loving father and a whole hoard of half sisters who are probably still grieving the banishment of their mothers.... I mean what sort of a message did that send to me as a child? Clearly none at all... I just wanted to throw away my life to become a mermaid. Oh wait.

Despite the incest thing... Nala's the best Disney princess of them all. And where is she in this picture? She'd fit right in:

Next time on Hum Drum Plum, we ask the big question: Why is Pocahontas' grandmother a tree?

An Open Letter to Translink

Dear Translink,

Hey, how’re you doing? Your website says you are feeling normal, with minor disruptions on the Ipswich line – but when has that ever been indicative of your actual status? Are you ok? Because I’ve noticed some stuff has been going on with you for the last… 10 years or so and I just wanted to check you’re ok.

Firstly, I’m not alone in my concerns. I did a survey, which is to say that I posted a facebook status asking what other people loved/hated about you. I got more than 20 comments on it… and I’ve gotta tell you buddy – there wasn’t a lot of love there. I see that’s upset you. I’m sorry, I will start with the love shall I? Soften the blow for the rant I’ve got stored up for you. I’ve been catching public transport since my first week of grade 8 in 2001 – I’ve got some stuff to say.

THE GOOD

Busses

The Happy Bus Driver. Everyone loves this guy. Oh, you’ve never heard of him? This guy is the happiest guy in the world, and considering he drives a bus in Brisbane – this is quite an achievement. More on that later. Whatever you’re paying him, (is it drugs? Are you paying him in drugs?) you should double it. Unless it’s drugs, I think he’s good. 

Trains

Train conductors who give you extra information about each stop as you pull in. “And this is Indooroopilly; this is your stop for the shopping centre or the cinema… there’s two cinemas here actually. Overkill.” “And this here is Chelmer…. I don’t know what’s in Chelmer. Looks like there’s a nice footy club – you could go there, if you wanted.” Considering these guys are train drivers in Brisbane…. Yeah – I think you see where I’m going with this.

Ferries/City Cats

My friend Samara loves it when everyone stands out in the rain on the back deck with their umbrellas and look like mushrooms. Good work Translink; keep that up.

(Also, there was a flood. I know that, I’m not a dickhead. The council and you have worked really hard to get the stops back up and running. As a Brisbanite and New Farm local, I am very grateful for that.)

THE BAD

Ok, here’s the big thing. YOUR WEBSITE IS ENTIRELY USELESS. I’m going to do a test right now. I’m going to put in two addresses into your journey planner. These are my address in New Farm, and my parent’s address in Sherwood. There we go. BAM. One option only. It tells me to catch a 199 and then a 105 and then walk for 960m. This will take me about an hour and a half. NO TRANSLINK. That is not the best way to get to Mum and Dad’s. But, because I’ve done my research, I know that the fault here is my own. I did not change the walking options (WALKING options? On a transport website? Are you serious?) Silly Lizzy. So, I change the walking options to “I’m happy (a loose term) to walk up to 1.5km, not 1km, as is the standard”. Aha. Here we go, it tells me to catch a 199 and then a train of which there are many more – going all night. This will take me just over 1 hour. The walking distance at the other end? 1300m. A meager 300m prevented me from getting an actually useful result from your website. Why are walking options even a thing, Translink? Never assume that I know what I’m doing. I’m a tech savvie, 20 something who uses public transport all the time – but I only worked out the walking options thing recently. Until that time, I just looked up 199 times and train times separately and worked it out myself. Imagine what Doris, a 70 something year old, who wants to get across town since they revoked her license after her stroke, has to go through. It’s in your best interest to help Doris out, or you’ll end up having to talk to her on the phone for an hour to explain….

Oh what’s that? Your phone service is no better? Of course… Listen up Translink, when I call you, I do not want to hear about your “functions and activities” unless your functions and activities involve telling me quickly and clearly when the next 333 leaves from King George Square – which apparently they do not.

I’ve got an idea, and this is deadly serious. You know how at each bus stop there is a list of every single bus service that leaves from that stop? Well, those must be documents on someone in your office’s computer right? PDFs that they spent ages doing up and getting right? Why aren’t they accessible on your website? Why can’t I, a regular user of your services, find out my stop number and search for it, bringing up the PDF relevant to my stop? I could print it out. I’d never have to use your website again! This is my dream.

Now I don’t want to start criticising the staff who run your social media, as I suspect they are unhappy cogs in your bureaucratic clock of insanity, but why is it that @612Brisbane can use information from twitter users to let other twitter users know about service disruptions, while your social media and website continue to say “services are running as normal”? No they’re not, Translink, 612 just told me that Steph from Alderley is stuck on a train a Bowen Hills that hasn’t moved for 10 minutes.  I realise the drivers probably don’t have to time to call the office and have a chat about the signal fault, but it must get registered somewhere instantly right? Like at a station? Can’t that automatically send a message to the office and automatically update the website? Meanwhile, why must your twitter only function between 9 and 5 Monday to Friday? Sure, you can’t be paying staff 24/7 to update it, but can’t there be an automatic update when something changes on the website? Can’t there? Please?

Speaking of staff, aside from the happy bus driver, and a handful of train conductors who like to talk shit over the PA, your staff clearly HATE THEIR LIVES. And, in the case of bus drivers – seem to hate mine also. I have always said this, either bus driving attracts unhappy people, or it makes them unhappy. Either way, you need to do something for your staff before there is a suicide/multiple homicide on Corro Drive. Grumpy as hell bus drivers, taking corners at 70, screeching on the brakes at every intersection… honestly it’s a surprise there haven’t been some really serious accidents.

Some more questions for you TL…

Why do the regular services stop an hour and a half before the nightlink starts?

Why do long distance trips take longer than the maximum single trip time?

Why do you use the shitty trains during offpeak times? Surely if it’s offpeak, you could have your pick?

Why do go card machines break all the time? Like… ALL the time? I’m not complaining about the 30 or so free rides I’ve gotten, but you should be.

Why is it the busses with no air-conditioning that leak? What is this water? And why is it on my lap?

Why do all the brand new bus stop shelters have a big gap at the back so rain gets in?

Why do all the brand new bus stop shelters have only about 1 meter of roof so rain gets in?

How did you get the 598 and 599 to suck THAT badly?

What is the city glider’s purpose in life?

AND FINALLY, THE UGLY

1. ALL busses should be wheelchair and pram accessible, no exceptions.

2. This:

Special indeed, TL, very special.

Sincerely,

Lizzyish