20 Legit Reasons People Voted for the LNP Probably

If you read my facebook feed, it’s clear that no one voted for the Coalition.

And yet here we are.

So, we must ask ourselves, if none of the diverse and interesting people I connect with on the internet voted for the LNP, who did? And more importantly, what were their reasons? I therefore present to you, 20 legitimate reasons why someone might have voted for Tony Abbott and his crew.

1.     They thought “LNP” stood for Loud Newts Party, and are now expecting some raucous lizards to be taking office.

2.     They completely misunderstood the voting process, and put an “I” not a “1” next to an LNP candidate. The “I”, in their mind, denoted the biggest Idiot on the ballot.

3.     They thought “the boats” was slang for really annoying hold music.

4.     They thought the Labo(u)r Party was founded on the idea that all people should be in childbirth all of the time.

5.     They thought the Greens are only for people who are literally green.

6.     They though PUP was an actual dog, and then, for some reason thought a person would be better at governing than an animal (wrong).

7.     They thought gay marriage was about happiness in marriages, and became concerned that their marriage wouldn’t pass the “happiness test” and that it would be deemed null and void.

8.     They ate the pencil while voting, and the graphite they subsequently coughed up accidentally formed a perfect 1 in the LNP box.

9.     Having been raised in the bush by wild pigs, they are afraid of literally all things, but especially women, who smell funny, and brown people, who look slightly different to other people.

10. They were hypnotised by a stage hypnotist once, to respond to their trigger phrase, “jobs and cuts” by writing a 1 next to LNP candidates. It was an extremely specific hypnotism show in the late 70s and it was art man, ART.

11. Having been in a coma for the last 7 years, they woke up on Election Day, saw Kevin Rudd’s face on TV and immediately assumed he was the man who put them in a coma all those years ago.

12. Having been in a coma for the last 60 years, they woke up on Election Day and relied on their convictions and values to guide them when voting.

13. They donkey voted. By that I mean they are an actual donkey with no understand of federal politics. Who let that donkey in here? Is that even allowed?

"hahaha voting!"

14. They think the PNG solution is a policy whereby we’ll all be given a free holiday to Papua New Guinea every year, I hear it’s lovely there… if you’re a tourist.

15. They consume only Murdoch run newspapers. Literally. I mean that they eat them, imbuing themselves with the power of the media and also its one-sided views.

16. They think the Australian economy is in dire straights for some reason.

17. They really hate reasonable class sizes, and want their children to have to hang from the ceiling in a 50-student class. That’s character building, that is.

18. They are one of Rupert Murdoch’s many robots, sent to do his bidding (his bidding is voting LNP, in case that wasn’t clear).

19. In a stunning display of their own ignorance, they thought to do otherwise would be to throw away their vote.

20. They are this lady: 

A Rant about Food

We interrupt your regularly scheduled reminiscence about Lizzy’s past to bring you this entirely unprecedented and largely unexpected rant about farming.

A very strange thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I suddenly started caring about animals. This isn’t to say that I didn’t care beforehand, but I went from answering the question “are you a vegetarian?” with *scoff scoff scoff* “NO. I love eating dead animals” to “um, sort of” in literally a matter of days.

And this strange behaviour is compounded further and made even stranger by the fact that I live in the country now. I work with pig farmers. I see trucks full of cattle every day. There are people around me whose livelihoods depend on people eating meat, and eating it daily.

But here’s what happened. I watched a video. I watched a ten-minute video about how meat animals are farmed, and I suddenly couldn’t ignore it anymore. I’m not about to start throwing red paint on people, I’m not even going to give up meat entirely, but knowing what I know now, and realising that it was knowledge that changed my mind, I’m going to impart some knowledge onto you, my readers. I do this not because I want to create an army of vegetarians, but because I think you are all clever people, you are all people who enjoy words, who enjoy knowledge, and who are capable of making good choices with the power of FACTS.

Warning: what follows is pretty effing graphic.

Chickens:

Chickens taste delicious. Their meat is relatively cheap and versatile, and they poop out an ovum once a day that can be used in really important things like cakes.

If they are lucky enough to be born male, chickens will be killed instantly, either by being gassed to death or crunched up alive in a big machine. If they are unlucky, and are born female, they will spend their short lives in a giant shed. Sometimes they have their beaks chopped off, they have no room to move, and stand in their own excrement all day. They are bred and fed to grow to full, very large size, very quickly. So they often can’t support their own weight. When it’s time for them to be eaten, they are caught by the fistful and shoved into cages, often breaking bones on the way in. They will see the outside world just once, on their way to the abattoir. In the abattoir, they will be electrocuted into unconsciousness and then have their necks cut. It’s probably the kindest thing that happens to them.

Egg chickens live a very similar life, except they get to live longer, about 12 months. Once they no longer produce eggs daily, they are also killed.

What you can do about it: purchase free-range chicken and eggs at your supermarket. Be mindful that there are no regulations for what constitutes “free range” and that all the ones with “RSPCA approved” on them still live indoors without much room. I’m actually not sure why the RSPCA approves them at all. Don’t order chicken or eggs in restaurants and food outlets when you can’t be sure.

Pigs:

Pigs can be turned into bacon. And frankly bacon is the most delicious thing in the whole world. They also make sausages, pork, ham, and really smelly pets.

The thing is, is that I never thought about how pigs are farmed. I kind of always knew about chickens, and was pretty happy to ignore it as best as possible. When I was in New Zealand I saw pigs in fields, and it was really strange, as I never had before. It’s actually kind of adorable, in NZ they have little tarps up in each field for the pigs to hang out under so they don’t get sunburnt. Did I mention that New Zealand’s farming industry is amazing and even their McDonald’s serve free range? Have you ever seen a pig in a field? I’m willing to bet not. That’s because in Australia, something like 95% of pigs are factory farmed.

They live inside large sheds with thousands of other pigs; many have their tails and a number of their teeth removed without anaesthetic. Sows are treated like bacon making factories, because that’s what they are. When pregnant or nursing (the majority of their lives), sows are kept in “sow stalls” which keep them on their side, unable to move, so that they can push out babies and those babies can get at their teats easily. Sows are expected to produce as many litters as possible and when they stop, you guessed it, they are killed. It’s actually really difficult to explain just how hideous a sow stall is, so I’m going to suggest you watch the video I watched, even though it is quite troubling and traumatic. Only do this if you are ready and not about to eat. I’ll link to it at the end of this blog.

What can you do about it: Free range pig products practically don’t exist, but times are changing. Coles, of all brands, is actually leading the way on this. You will start to notice that all Coles pork, bacon, ham etc is now starting to come with the label “sow stall free”. BUY THAT SHIT. Reward the giant corporation for actually making this change. Because if the big corporations are pushing for this, they will dominate the industry, and the little guys will have to follow suit, and it will be in farmers’ best interests to get rid of those stalls. And let’s face it; it will be in the sows’ best interests too. Don’t eat pig products in restaurants and food outlets when you can’t be sure.

Climate Change and World Hunger:

If you are able to look at these facts and think, “well, there’s more important things in the world”, well I can’t blame you, you’re right, there are. Human rights should surely come before animal rights, right? Well yes, I agree, and I’m making changes in my life and opinions with regards to humans too – I just happen to be blogging about animals today. But the thing is, this is all relevant to people too. Here’s a disturbing fact: more food is used to feed food animals, than is actually produced by food animals. That is, we feed pigs and chickens and cows etc grains and seeds and those grains and seeds constitute more edible food than actually comes out of factory farms. So we’re losing out twice. Pigs are eating all those delicious grains, then they're not even turning into enough bacon to cover the defecit. Meanwhile, people are literally dying of starvation across the world. Those of us who benefit from factory farms need to start considering other options that lessen the burden on food animal production, so that more people can have access to more food.

Plus the carbon produced by factory farmed animals, the water and power that goes into feeding the animals and growing crops to continue feeding those animals is a significant drain on our environment. Never mind recycling, think how much damage your dinner is doing.

What can you do about it: Consider eating less meat generally, or indeed becoming a vegetarian. I am really struggling with the second option, but I am committing to eating as little factory farmed meat as possible, and less meat generally.

I know this is all a lot to take in, and frankly if you’re still reading, thank you, thank you, thank you. Trust me when I say I understand that it is much nicer and easier to ignore all of this information, because I’ve been doing so for my entire life. I’ve already slipped up once, I wanted to eat Japanese dumplings so bad I just had to put all of this from my mind for an evening. But the world needs us to start caring about this stuff. How much longer can agriculture support the mass consumption of animals? How much longer can the environment sustain our eating habits? How much more bacon can you eat without thinking about where it came from?

TL/DR, what the eff do you want me to do here, Lizzy?: Um, I dunno, why don't you think about eating kangaroo meat once a week, it’s delicious, they produce zero carbon and they need to be culled anyway.

Video:

The video that changed my life (so dramatic)

Disclaimer:

I have actually done further research than this one video, I promise. I am a well-informed ranter. If you have other arguments for or against, please share them in the comments or on facebook or twitter. I encourage you to do your own research also, if this is something that interests you. I don’t want you to just go with what I tell you, or completely reject it because it’s some hippy vego bullshit. There’re good, reliable sources out there.

It's just that the Make it Possible campaign has the cutest pictures...

Lizzyish has Opinions: Margaret Court

I have been wanting to write an opinion piece for some time. I actually recently wrote an opinion piece about opinions, just to get me in the mood… but it was kinda shit. I’m thinking of starting a folder on my mac called “kinda shit”. Anyway, in order to write a funny opinion piece, I think you need some good source material. It’s one thing to get all passionate about something, but if you want it to be truly funny, rip apart someone’s else’s opinions for the entertainment of others, I reckon. That’s how you do it.

So I don’t know if you’ve read Margaret Court’s opinion yet today, but it’s pretty clear. Margaret Court loves straight people. She loves straight people so hard she wants to marry them all. No wait, only the men, because women can’t marry women. She wants to marry the men, the straight men, because she loves them. She loves them simply because they choose not to put their penises near other men, except in urinals, where it’s ok.

Look it’s possible that I haven’t fully grasped Margaret’s opinions. Which is why it’s awesome that Mike Sutchberry has translated it for us. He’s done a very good job, and I highly recommend you check it out. In fact, to be honest, I’ve only read all of Ms Court’s “article” because it’s in Mike’s. His translation is well funny.

But my friend Mim pointed out to me on the twitters that Mike perhaps doesn’t quite go far enough, considering just how far Maggie went, and then… because Mim is pleasant, she suggested I might enjoy having a crack at a translation. I would suggest this is a translation for the young people, a translation for those in their 20s or even younger. This is a translation for all you cool kids out there who don’t actually read newspapers and get your news solely from twitter, like Mim and I do.

Ahem.

WE (my followers and I) live in a blessed nation (in the clouds, looking down on you) but Australia is on a steep moral decline (this is clearly visible from our cloud-country, we have a higher vantage point, you see, and a moat).

Everywhere you look we are making excuses for a sliding lifestyle and more people are blind to it than ever before.

Why, just the other day, my husband let me speak in public and no one said ANYTHING.

Our Constitution is based on biblical principles and our nation is great because of it.

I’ve not read the constitution, but it is convenient for the purposes of my article for me to suggest it closely and indeed specifically aligns with my religion.

We are a country with a moral fabric and families and marriage are at its core.

Australia is made out of blankets woven from the skins of children. You couldn’t make this up.

But increasingly our kids are being taught that anything goes.

Anything Goes, first performed on Broadway in 1934, is a musical by Cole Porter. Many Gays have probably performed in it. This is relevant, stay tuned.

As a society we are losing touch with fundamental Christian values, as our leaders lean towards an agenda of political correctness to keep the minorities happy.

Gays mostly. See I told you it was relevant.

We live in a world of moral values. Even those without faith know what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t actually believe atheists have a moral code but I am trying to appeal to a broad audience here. We all know it’s only atheists who commit rape and murder.

We all have a conscience and so many people get trapped in the pattern of saying something is right when deep down they know it isn't.

People’s attitudes are changing! Deep down though, they all know that really they agree with everything their grandparents believed. This is the best way for our society (the one in the clouds AND the one you call Australia) to survive.

It's that attitude that can harden hearts. People suddenly justify the immoralities around them. We have taken the easy way out. Minorities are now making it harder for the majority. They are increasingly taking everything that is good in society and pushing it to the side.

Gays HATE nice things. All that stuff you love? Like safety, financial security, your children, Xboxes… Gays just HATE them. They don’t even know why, so don’t ask me. They just hate happiness I guess. Pretty ironic, considering they stole the true meaning of the word gay from us normals (WHICH by the way, I was using on a regular basis).

Looking back, you can see that there has been a steep decline, especially when it comes to the issue of sexuality.

My knowledge of history is similar to my knowledge of the constitution.

There is so much scripture within the Bible that points to what we see happening now. We are losing that sense of discipline.

In Biblical times, women were stoned for expressing their opinions. Bring that shit back, pronto.

Let me be clear. I believe that a person's sexuality is a choice.

I felt the need to explicitly state that, just in case you thought I might base my opinions on scientific studies or logic.

In the Bible it said that homosexuality is among sins that are works of the flesh.

Along with working on the Sabbath, which I never do, being a pastor. Also women aren’t allowed to be preachers. Wait. Shit.

It is not something you are born with.

The bible explicitly states this, it says, “people aren’t born with gayness”, I read it once.

My concern is that we are advocating to young people that it is OK to have these feelings. But I truly believe if you are told you are gay from a young age, soon enough it will start to impact your life and you will live it. If somebody is told they are gay they often start to believe it.

This is why young people who are told they are not gay, and are told to suppress their feelings, turn out straight and have absolutely no chance of becoming depressed and killing themselves. This is a truth-fact brought to you by the Margaret Court Institute of Science.

We are living in a society that takes the easy way out. But we have to work at life and make things better. You need to be disciplined. I became the first Australian woman to win Wimbledon because I trained hard and worked towards it.

This is relevant to my argument because SPORT.

It's why I believe so strongly in the sanctity of marriage. It takes hard work. Children need a mother and a father - stability from a male and a female - and I think we are losing sight of this.

I would never have played SPORT if it weren’t for having both a male and female parent. This is why all children raised in single parent families end up homeless and poverty stricken. None of them ever play SPORT.

We are led by politicians who lie and spread deceit. They no longer stand true to their word and that affects us all, as a nation. Lies just don't seem to matter much any more.

Politicians have started lying, just recently, and it’s because of Gays, and probably Asians too, come to think of it.

There is so much deception in the world and it's getting worse by the minute. The Book of Romans speaks of the people of Earth trading in God; of worshipping life and things within it instead of God who made us. By refusing Him, women no longer know how to be women and men no longer know how to be men.

When men and women stop adhering to strict gender roles, the world will end. This is what the Mayans were talking about in a book they titled “Romans” for some reason. Crazy Mayans.

We have lost our way and have been convinced by the secular view that it's all OK.

Though we have a secular government, it is BAD and WRONG for secular views to influence our governments.

SPORT.

It worries me because I fear our next generation will lose all direction and become more blinded than ever before.

I am handing out compasses and glasses to all children at religious schools: enroll your child today!

I can't understand, if we are a blessed nation under a biblical Constitution, why there is such a push to change it?

I can’t understand other points of view. Please don’t make me listen to them anymore. It’s like maths. You know how some people are bad at maths? I’m bad at empathy and human rights.

We will only start to tear away at the rich fabric and sustained values..

You’re ripping the child skin blanket and I don’t like it!

Then God will take his hand off our nation and the lights will go out.

God is touching us all right now. This is called safe touch. When the lights go out God will start touching us in other places. This is called unsafe touch and should be reported to a parent, teacher or grown-up friend.

That is why I believe we need to protect marriage because it has been God-ordained from the beginning.

God ordained the swapping of cattle for women and is most upset with us for losing our way. Need I remind you about the unsafe touch? Cows people. He wants cows for girls and he wants them now.

God told man to be united with his wife and to multiply on earth.

If you’re one of those people who’s bad at maths this means intercourse.

I had fame and success and a great husband but I always knew something was missing in my life. I used to think there had to be more to it. I knew He was there but I didn't know how to make the connection. I didn't understand how God could be real in my life. But then I accepted Jesus Christ, and believed that He came to Earth as the son of God, to die for our sins.

My personal belief system, which I am within my rights to uphold, is more important than your personal belief system, which you have no rights to because you are a minority (I have crunched the numbers on this, at my science institute. We do statistics now too)

Even then I didn't understand the power of the Bible, his word. If I knew then what I knew now I could have won six Wimbledons, not three.

God has the power to influence tennis matches.

The New Testament is the greatest book on psychology. It shows you how to live victoriously. It's our TV guide to life. It has everything in there for every facet - even how to run a nation.

Disclaimer: the bible is not really a TV guide OR a book on psychology. Do not use at home.

People think it's a book of fear but it is not. It's a book of love and a training manual for life that offers protection from sin. Life is but a wisp. So many turn to God on their deathbeds but if they accepted His love during life they would experience far more blessings. We will pass away, but the scriptures won't.

All those floods and smitings were God’s way of showing LOVE. Don’t you see, he doesn’t mean to hurt you, he just gets so angry, and you didn’t have dinner ready for him when he got home. He works hard you know, and he doesn’t need some ungrateful bitch pissing his money away and telling everyone what a crap husband he is! Stop crying!

We need to turn our minds back to God and I still believe we have the capacity to make that change. Understand that there is a God and that He is real and that He can be part of your life.

Even if you get a restraining order, he’ll always be there.

A nun at my primary school once gave me the cane and it was one of the best lessons of my life. She could see the potential in me long before I did. She gave me a grounding for the future, for which I remain grateful. I didn't have an easy childhood but I had good families around me that sowed into my life. That's what our kids need right now. People who are willing to stand up for them, for our families, in a world where we have become far too scared.

Even though I had a mother and a father, it took an angry virgin in a cape brandishing a stick to teach me how to be a good person. This kind of negates my argument, but I just really like hitting kids. 

 Margaret Court is a pastor and a former world No.1 tennis player

Lizzyish likes pasta and writes a blog about stuff. She finds tennis really boring.