14 Reasons to Hate February 14th

Fig. 1. The "Blood Red Bear" from Ancient Valentine's Mythology. It takes your heart and then eats all your chocolates. 

Valentine’s Day is a crock of shit and you know it.

“You’re not allowed to say that, Lizzy,” I hear you grumble; “you’ve got a boyfriend. Only single people are allowed to hate Valentine’s Day. Leave us alone and go back to your happiness”. Well to that I say, pffffft. We can unite in our hatred of this “holiday”, ok? Is there anyone in the world who genuinely enjoys Valentine’s Day? In their heart of hearts? (Not sorry). Really? I would like to hear from you. I have a small experiment I would like to perform on you. Right after I take you through this list of 14 reasons no one in the entire world could possibly like Valentine’s Day:

1.     No one wants a goddamn bear that says “I wuv you” when you squeeze it.

2.     No one wants to pay $90 per person to sit in a crowded restaurant in the middle of the week eating a set menu worth about $30 on any other night.

3.     Have you seen Woolworths is selling a ONE KILO BOX OF CHOCOLATES? You could kill someone with a box that big. And this is for a holiday recognised for being about couples. You are buying a box bigger than my torso for ONE PERSON. This aint no family box, this is gift that says, quite clearly “hey fatty fatty, I love you, please have a coronary”.

4.     Single people feel inadequate on a day devoted to couples.

5.     Couples feel obliged to get involved even though it’s a Thursday night and honestly, wouldn’t you much rather stay in and eat tacos?

6.     If one person in a relationship buys a present, and the other is like “why is present? Happy Thursday?” then everyone is going to feel just a little sad.

7.     If one person is expecting a present and the other is like “Hah! Valentine’s Day is for chumps” everyone is going to feel a little sad then too.

8.     No one wants to see your facebook photos of your romantic, candlelit dinner and hot tub session.

9.     Or your hike to a mountain, followed by champagne and a quick proposal.

10. Or your 1kg box of chocolates.

11. St Valentine was just some guy (or possibly two guys) and he didn’t have anything to do with tacky Hallmark cards with pink hearts and flowers on them.

12. In fact he was martyred. And was probably single and alone.

13. That movie tried hard, but Love Actually was 300 times better and got there first so… yeah. Shut up Valentine's Day.

14. One Valentine’s Day, Boyfriend and I decided to go to the Night Owl to get some instant packet mousse because we both really felt like chocolate mousse because um… who doesn’t? I bought the mousse and the milk and then Boyfriend decided we needed whipped cream too. So he went back in and got it and the guy behind the counter with the permanently blood-shot eyes was like “heh. Happy Valentine’s Day” because it looked like he was just buying whipped cream on Valentine’s Day and that was kind of gross.

Valentine’s Advice from your smug partnered friend

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of a big tub of ice cream must be in want of a Valentine.

However little known the feelings or views of such a girl may be on her first entering a pub, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding women, that her happiness is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of her partnered friends.

Yes even if such a lady SAYS she’s happy being single; she secretly wants us coupled ladies to help her find love. On a daily basis. So, with this in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for this Valentine’s Day.

1.     Being in a relationship is the most important thing in the world. Don’t even TRY to find happiness in your work, hobbies, or interests – they are meaningless. Meaningless.

2.     Dating is really easy. Sure, *I* haven’t done it in years, but if you’re not good at it there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

3.     Have sex with as many people as possible, it will make you feel good about yourself and is also a good way to lose weight. Nothing.

4.     Don’t have sex with every guy you meet, that’s just slutty.

5.     I don’t know; work out some sort of percentage. Maybe like 70%? What am I? A mathematician?

6.     You are free to date whoever you want, after they have been through a rigorous testing process coordinated by myself and your mother. We are definitely in cahoots.

7.     How did I end up in such a sickeningly perfect relationship? Oh, just luck I guess. You? You should not rely on luck. Really desperately and actively seek a relationship so that you can be happy like me.

8.     The key to a good relationship is open and honest communication. So it is important to make a note of all the lies you tell him now, so you can keep track of them.

9.     The aforementioned lies should just be little things. Like your age, your income, your hopes, dreams, desires and most important of all, your interests. It is important to pretend to like all the stuff guys like so they don’t get bored when talking to you.

10. I mention my boyfriend up to 38 times an hour in an attempt to encourage you to get one too.

11. Wear lots of make up all the time. No! You’re beautiful! I’m just saying guys are really into stuff like hair and make up, they really notice when you make an effort in the morning. Seriously.

12. You just have to be patient. Mister Right is out there for you too, and other clichés.

13. There is nothing wrong with being alone on Valentine’s Day, really. You know what you should do? You should organise a big girls’ night out! Just us girls!

14. Oh no, The Boy won’t mind, we have plans during the day. Oh I won’t bore you with the details but let’s just say it involves champagne and ponies and a hot air balloon and cheese you’ve never heard of and also gourmet figs and a puppy. At the same time.

15. Yeah! Let’s get really drunk! Who needs men right?! *smug smile*

16. Tequila!

17. Dancing! Let’s dance sexily… together haha just kidding.

18. You should kiss that guy! No really.

19. Just kiss him Sarah.

20. Go over there and do as you are fucking told.

21. Because I said so.

22. Haha see that was fun wasn’t it?!

23. Let’s sing female power ballads!

24.  I’m a survivor I’m gonna make it I will survive keep on surviving!

25. Do you wanna make out with me? Jokes!

26. What do you MEAN you want to leave?! Party party! Wear a pink plastic hat, Sarah it will make you feel better.

27. Put on the hat Sarah.

28. Tequilaaaaa!

29. No, seriously. No shh, shhh just listen. I envy you. I really do. You’re so free. Sometimes I wish I was single.

30. Can someone call my boyfriend and get him to pick me up? I just spewed in my shoes.