When I'm Prime Minister

Except where it says "Quimby" read "Lizzy King" and where it says "Mayor" read "benevolent dictator"

Stand up and be counted, it’s time to put your vote in the right place. I know you’re sick of the Labor party’s shambolic mismanagement of itself, and our country, but I know you’re also afraid that this man might one day be in charge of things like fiscal and foreign policy, instead of just how to dress himself and shout a lot.

So I come to you now with a viable alternative, me, obviously, doofus. Sure, I may not have many credentials, but neither does Barnaby Joyce, and he’s the leader of the National Party and also one time ate a hot dog. Wait, stop comparing me to Barnabus, bad example. Look, no, the truth is I don’t have the traditional background for politics, but I do have a lot of policies that I think might interest you.

Firstly, I would make it so that no one was allowed to say “Gen Y” on TV. Yeah, you think Gillard’s proposed media restrictions were strict? I’m also banning the phrase “illegal refugees” and the TV shows Today Tonight, A Current Affair and My Kitchen Rules. Your kitchen does not rule, shush.

I would read the thing we signed some time ago saying how many refugees we would let in to our country, and then… get this… I’d let that many in. Also, I would only imprison people who have committed crimes under Australian law.  As asylum seeking is not illegal, I would house asylum seekers in appropriate housing and we’d all move on. Also, it would cost us all a lot less than imprisoning them. Also, also, they’d be able to contribute to society. Also, also, also it wouldn’t be morally reprehensible. Everyone wins. 

Woah that got heavy, back to the fun stuff. As Prime Minister (or is it President of the Universe?) I will work very hard to make the 4-day working week a glorious reality. The four-day work week is an actual thing and I think we should just try it guys, I’m open to suggestions on which day we take off. Probably people will go for either Friday or Monday, but I am also partial to a mid week nap day.

I would make all the meat free-range meat because this is my soapbox and you’re damn right I’m going to stand on it and say a bunch of stuff.

While we’re up here, obviously, marriage equality would just like, happen, and employers would be held accountable for having racist, sexist or generally bigoted hiring policies. People who start stupid Hashtags on twitter would be banned from the internet for 24 hours.

More money would go to scientific research. Pretty much… are you working to find out how the world can be better (curing diseases, reducing carbon emissions, space exploration etc)? Cool, expect a pay rise.

Meanwhile, we’ll save a heap of money on the whole refugee thing and also with the four-day week thing. And a bunch of other things I haven’t thought about yet, but I’m getting there. I have a head cold, cut me some slack. Head colds will be cured soon hopefully; I am throwing a LOT of money at science.

Education is also going to get a lot better. I don’t know if you realise this, but an educated society is… better? At everything? So more teachers, more schools, better resources. And we’re going to take a good hard look at Finland, and just basically adopt most of what they are doing. NAPLAN can jump in a creek. Education will also have a strong focus on life skills. Single sex schools will have to sort something out, because that is not going to fly anymore. Also, sex education will be compulsory from grade 6 and will involve mostly discussions about consent. Also, kids will learn how to respect one another, crazy right?

I will campaign for universal TV rights. If something gets released in the UK on a Saturday night, you’ll be able to watch it within 24 hours on Australian TV. There will always be legal, viable ways for you to watch and own good TV so you don’t resort to stealing. I’ll have a strong word with TV producers around the world about how frankly, if they want audiences to like them and pay for their shows, maybe they shouldn’t make them wait 6 – 12 months before they can do so. I will also introduce them to tumblr and just say… “You see? This is why.”

Most importantly, I will be your kind and benevolent leader. As time goes on you will realise that I am the best at all things, and you have no real need for anyone else. Elections will pass us by and we’ll think, oh… do we really need those things? And you will decide, no, of course not, who else could possibly lead us? I will love you, you will love me. Membership to the Hum Drum Plum party is 50 cents, and you get a badge. Sign up at https://www.facebook.com/HumDrumPlum

Ladies *wink*

Butts. They sure are nice. But is there more to life?

Ladies. What are they even?

This seems to be a question on a lot of people’s minds at the moment. From female volleyballers being treated as butts with athletic ability, to our Prime Minister being likened to a bovine, people have been wondering whether ladies are real, and if they are, whether they are the same as normal humans.

See now, feminism is a nasty and dangerous thing, isn’t it? It’s all screaming and bra burning and making men feel bad for having a penis. Feminazis, I think is the official term here. Because of course, fighting for equality is definitely the same as brutally interning millions of people and then working and gassing them all to death. It’s just like that.

No wait, no it’s not. That’s right. Sorry, I’m always getting confused between equality and genocide.

Every single person should be a feminist. Whether you’ve got a vagina or a penis, or both, or neither or WHATEVER. Because if you say you’re not a feminist, you’re saying you don’t think everyone should be treated equally.  Men should feel they are allowed to be feminists. Women should feel they are allowed to be feminists. It’s not something any one group of people owns. It’s not a dirty word. It’s something we’re all responsible for. I don’t say I’m not into the abolishment of slavery because I’m not black.

And if I did, you’d call me racist.

Take the example of the volleyballers. It’s not that they don’t have nice butts, or that men should feel bad for looking at those butts. Butts are nice, ok? Everyone likes a good butt. If you happen to get distracted during a game of beach volleyball by the butts of some of the players, well, that’s a pretty normal thing. But those players are very excellent sports people. They have trained for an exceedingly long time to get to where they are, and are very good at their sport of choice. Most importantly, they are humans, and they should be treated with respect. And it is all of our responsibilities to criticise photographers who publish photos of their bodies with no faces, and don’t even identify the players in the photos. And when they say, “it’s what the people want!” we should all say, “no it isn’t!” And refuse to buy magazines or frequent websites that display photos like that to prove it.

Sometimes people say that equality has been reached, that we need to stop whingeing about this stuff and move on to more important things. And to that I say,

1.     no it hasn’t

2.     multitask

It’s the same with marriage equality. “Why are we bothering about gay marriage? Shouldn’t we be worrying about homelessness or the economy?”

1.     because equality

2.     when was the last time you cared about the economy?

3.     multitask 

So anyway, I live in quite a conservative town, and sometimes people say things about ladies that make me want to stab them. And it’s difficult sometimes to call them out or challenge them, because, well because it’s a small town and unless you’ve lived in one it’s pretty hard for me to explain what it feels like. But I try to lead by example, and I try to tell stories from my own life, about electric drills and driving and how my partner cooks food and how you know, we both do stuff that interests us whether it’s video games or theatre or whatever. Why?

1.     because equality