Overanalysing Harry Potter

... well it’s worked for me once, why not try again?

Overanalysing TV, books, movies etc. is one of my all-time favourite pastimes. I respect that for some people, this is classified as “ruining”, but for me it is a true expression of my own enjoyment of a text. Now, I’m sure you guys will be stunned to hear this, but I’m currently re-reading the Harry Potter series. I’m about a third of the way through the Chamber of Secrets and already my brain is buzzing with some of the big questions. Please keep in mind that I am analysing from an ‘in-universe’ perspective, that is, I am looking for answers in the stories as if they are for real, and making assumptions where there are gaps. I am not suggesting that J.K. Rowling has any flaws whatsoever, because she is a perfect human being.

Why are all Slytherins jerks? I mean I’m not sure that we ever get a fair representation of them, given that we usually see them from Harry’s perspective, and Harry’s first encounter with Slytherins is Draco, who sucks at being a human. Harry then sees all things Slytherin though this lens, and understandably, that house is tainted with a whole lot of bad shit. But there is no real evidence to suggest this perspective is wrong. Even Slughorn, who is mostly harmless, is kind of a dick. He’s cowardly, insensitive, prejudiced against muggleborns in a really dangerously subtle way. And of course there’s Snape, hero, double agent, eternal sufferer; surely he bucks the trend? No, he’s still a douche and besides, Dumbledore himself says that Snape’s good qualities suggest that Hogwarts “sorts too soon”. That is to say, that Snape perhaps never belonged in Slytherin to begin with.

So I propose one of two answers to this conundrum. Either 1. Slytheriness is hereditary or ingrained or 2. Sorting people into Slytherin makes them douches. I’m inclined to go with option 2, because it seems to me that there can’t be four kinds of people in the wizarding world, but segregating children, bringing them up with four limited world views *creates* four kinds of people. I hope that some time in the future, Hogwarts thinks about reviewing the sorting process. I know that houses are a big part of their history, and that tradition is important, but I would suggest that certain dark traits could be gently discouraged and harmony and cooperation better achieved without this archaic practise.

Where the flip does all the food come from? We know that food is the first of the five principal exceptions to Gamp’s law of Elemental Transfiguration. Right? You guys all knew that right? Basically, you can’t make food out of thin air. Other exceptions likely include money or precious stones and other wealth. This makes sense, if you could conjure that shit up, there’d be pretty much no need for economy or education or like… anything. If you could sit around making food and money all day, you’d never leave the house. BUT we do know that you can summon food from elsewhere if you know where it is: we know that House Elf magic can teleport food between say, the kitchens and the Great Hall. You can also make more of it if you’ve got some already. So presumably, if you had to feed 100 people, you could make a couple of yummy dishes and then just multiply them, or make them bigger. But this isn’t my question, my question is, where does that original food come from?

Are there wizard farms? Wizard grocery stores? Wizard farmers’ markets? Would you become a primary producer if you could be an auror instead? Would you farm the land if you could be the Knight Bus inspector? I feel like there are probably speciality food producers, the kind of people who make magic sweets and chocolate frogs and stuff, but who is growing the corn? I guess the answer is probably muggles. While most witches and wizards would not be able to cope with muggle money and muggle shops, there are probably some who are savvy enough to buy from muggle suppliers and then use Geminio or something and sell it all at a hefty profit.

I was having this discussion on facebook and my friend Blake made the rather amusing suggestion that some pure blood families wouldn’t like this idea, and that there are “muggle-free” ranges that can be purchased by those not wanting their food tainted by non-magical hands. I like to think the shop owners would have to be pretty subtle about this, to avoid being condemned as muggle-haters. I bet the labels say things like “mud free” and “pure bread”.

 Can I go to magic school? I mean, no I can’t, because I’m 24 and a muggle, but where do Australian witches and wizards go? Where do all the non-British, non-French, non-criminal wizards go (sorry Drumstrang, but let’s be real). There’s reference to the Salam Witches Institute, but that seems to be for grown-up witches in America and Bill had that Brazilian pen-pal. I just want to knooooow. I bet the Australian school is somewhere in the outback, and the kids get to it on the magical equivalent of a Greyhound bus. I think magical and non-magical Indigenous people lived together in harmony before Europeans came and mucked it all up. The school would be underground maybe, and Quidditch would be played in the dust and the haze. Mail would be delivered by Tawny Frog-Mouths and Care of Magical Creature class would be even more dangerous than at Hogwarts. In short, it would be awesome.

Incidentally, if J.K. ever felt like releasing An Appraisal of MagicalEducation in Europe like she did with Quidditch through the Ages and The Tales of Beedle the Bard I would be all over that shit in a heartbeat. 

Hey you guys guess where today's blogspiration came from...

A Rant about Food

We interrupt your regularly scheduled reminiscence about Lizzy’s past to bring you this entirely unprecedented and largely unexpected rant about farming.

A very strange thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I suddenly started caring about animals. This isn’t to say that I didn’t care beforehand, but I went from answering the question “are you a vegetarian?” with *scoff scoff scoff* “NO. I love eating dead animals” to “um, sort of” in literally a matter of days.

And this strange behaviour is compounded further and made even stranger by the fact that I live in the country now. I work with pig farmers. I see trucks full of cattle every day. There are people around me whose livelihoods depend on people eating meat, and eating it daily.

But here’s what happened. I watched a video. I watched a ten-minute video about how meat animals are farmed, and I suddenly couldn’t ignore it anymore. I’m not about to start throwing red paint on people, I’m not even going to give up meat entirely, but knowing what I know now, and realising that it was knowledge that changed my mind, I’m going to impart some knowledge onto you, my readers. I do this not because I want to create an army of vegetarians, but because I think you are all clever people, you are all people who enjoy words, who enjoy knowledge, and who are capable of making good choices with the power of FACTS.

Warning: what follows is pretty effing graphic.

Chickens:

Chickens taste delicious. Their meat is relatively cheap and versatile, and they poop out an ovum once a day that can be used in really important things like cakes.

If they are lucky enough to be born male, chickens will be killed instantly, either by being gassed to death or crunched up alive in a big machine. If they are unlucky, and are born female, they will spend their short lives in a giant shed. Sometimes they have their beaks chopped off, they have no room to move, and stand in their own excrement all day. They are bred and fed to grow to full, very large size, very quickly. So they often can’t support their own weight. When it’s time for them to be eaten, they are caught by the fistful and shoved into cages, often breaking bones on the way in. They will see the outside world just once, on their way to the abattoir. In the abattoir, they will be electrocuted into unconsciousness and then have their necks cut. It’s probably the kindest thing that happens to them.

Egg chickens live a very similar life, except they get to live longer, about 12 months. Once they no longer produce eggs daily, they are also killed.

What you can do about it: purchase free-range chicken and eggs at your supermarket. Be mindful that there are no regulations for what constitutes “free range” and that all the ones with “RSPCA approved” on them still live indoors without much room. I’m actually not sure why the RSPCA approves them at all. Don’t order chicken or eggs in restaurants and food outlets when you can’t be sure.

Pigs:

Pigs can be turned into bacon. And frankly bacon is the most delicious thing in the whole world. They also make sausages, pork, ham, and really smelly pets.

The thing is, is that I never thought about how pigs are farmed. I kind of always knew about chickens, and was pretty happy to ignore it as best as possible. When I was in New Zealand I saw pigs in fields, and it was really strange, as I never had before. It’s actually kind of adorable, in NZ they have little tarps up in each field for the pigs to hang out under so they don’t get sunburnt. Did I mention that New Zealand’s farming industry is amazing and even their McDonald’s serve free range? Have you ever seen a pig in a field? I’m willing to bet not. That’s because in Australia, something like 95% of pigs are factory farmed.

They live inside large sheds with thousands of other pigs; many have their tails and a number of their teeth removed without anaesthetic. Sows are treated like bacon making factories, because that’s what they are. When pregnant or nursing (the majority of their lives), sows are kept in “sow stalls” which keep them on their side, unable to move, so that they can push out babies and those babies can get at their teats easily. Sows are expected to produce as many litters as possible and when they stop, you guessed it, they are killed. It’s actually really difficult to explain just how hideous a sow stall is, so I’m going to suggest you watch the video I watched, even though it is quite troubling and traumatic. Only do this if you are ready and not about to eat. I’ll link to it at the end of this blog.

What can you do about it: Free range pig products practically don’t exist, but times are changing. Coles, of all brands, is actually leading the way on this. You will start to notice that all Coles pork, bacon, ham etc is now starting to come with the label “sow stall free”. BUY THAT SHIT. Reward the giant corporation for actually making this change. Because if the big corporations are pushing for this, they will dominate the industry, and the little guys will have to follow suit, and it will be in farmers’ best interests to get rid of those stalls. And let’s face it; it will be in the sows’ best interests too. Don’t eat pig products in restaurants and food outlets when you can’t be sure.

Climate Change and World Hunger:

If you are able to look at these facts and think, “well, there’s more important things in the world”, well I can’t blame you, you’re right, there are. Human rights should surely come before animal rights, right? Well yes, I agree, and I’m making changes in my life and opinions with regards to humans too – I just happen to be blogging about animals today. But the thing is, this is all relevant to people too. Here’s a disturbing fact: more food is used to feed food animals, than is actually produced by food animals. That is, we feed pigs and chickens and cows etc grains and seeds and those grains and seeds constitute more edible food than actually comes out of factory farms. So we’re losing out twice. Pigs are eating all those delicious grains, then they're not even turning into enough bacon to cover the defecit. Meanwhile, people are literally dying of starvation across the world. Those of us who benefit from factory farms need to start considering other options that lessen the burden on food animal production, so that more people can have access to more food.

Plus the carbon produced by factory farmed animals, the water and power that goes into feeding the animals and growing crops to continue feeding those animals is a significant drain on our environment. Never mind recycling, think how much damage your dinner is doing.

What can you do about it: Consider eating less meat generally, or indeed becoming a vegetarian. I am really struggling with the second option, but I am committing to eating as little factory farmed meat as possible, and less meat generally.

I know this is all a lot to take in, and frankly if you’re still reading, thank you, thank you, thank you. Trust me when I say I understand that it is much nicer and easier to ignore all of this information, because I’ve been doing so for my entire life. I’ve already slipped up once, I wanted to eat Japanese dumplings so bad I just had to put all of this from my mind for an evening. But the world needs us to start caring about this stuff. How much longer can agriculture support the mass consumption of animals? How much longer can the environment sustain our eating habits? How much more bacon can you eat without thinking about where it came from?

TL/DR, what the eff do you want me to do here, Lizzy?: Um, I dunno, why don't you think about eating kangaroo meat once a week, it’s delicious, they produce zero carbon and they need to be culled anyway.

Video:

The video that changed my life (so dramatic)

Disclaimer:

I have actually done further research than this one video, I promise. I am a well-informed ranter. If you have other arguments for or against, please share them in the comments or on facebook or twitter. I encourage you to do your own research also, if this is something that interests you. I don’t want you to just go with what I tell you, or completely reject it because it’s some hippy vego bullshit. There’re good, reliable sources out there.

It's just that the Make it Possible campaign has the cutest pictures...

How the Grinch ate Christmas

Ah December....


you bastard.


Yes, for those of you who know me (and let's face it, that's all of you - I'm no famous blogger..er) you know that I hate Christmas. I know, I know, "but Lizzy," I hear you cry, "it's so joyous and wonderful and fun and there's presents and family and it's the BEST!"

I know. But I still hate it. And here are the reasons why.

Children, children everywhere and not a drop to drink.

I spend Christmas Evening and Day with 3 wonderful, excellent children that I love to death. These are my siblings. For them, Christmas starts at dawn. Dawn is not a time I like to experience. We do not get on. I do not function at dawn. But I have no choice, I will have stayed up till midnight wrapping presents and eating carrots (we leave them for the reindeer) only to be awoken around 4:45am by children. It's as though they have adrenalin pumping through their veins as they sleep so that by the time they wake up my parents and I have to pull them down from the ceiling so that they can unwrap their presents. Presents + adrenalin turn my usually nicely tempered, fun siblings into squabbling, selfish crazy people. In miniature. Actually one of them's kinda getting tall now. Beside the point. Moving on.

Present Phobia


I have one. I don't like unwrapping presents, and I don't like watching people unwrap presents I have bought for them. Merry Christmas! Urgh.


Toowoomba


My extended family live in Toowoomba. We often go there for Christmas. The last time I spent any amount of time in Toowoomba I got a tic on my neck. Also it has a lot of flowers. These two facts are all I know about it. I'm sure it has lots of great features but I really can't stand being there.

Expectation


"It's going to be lovely, we'll only stay a few hours, we'll eat food, exchange pleasantries and presents and get out of there" inevitably turns into "I didn't realise she would bring HIM and I can't believe we forgot the present for blah, and why did noone think to preorder the chicken - such and such spent so long in the kitchen I felt awful, urgh why is it so HOT?!"

Tee-total
I have a self-imposed alcohol ban for Christmas Day. I am far too candid as it is, the last thing I need to have is less inhibitions when surrounded by people I'm related to who don't necessarily know what I really think about politics, or how much time I really spend on the internet and how much I really don't want to be there. Particularly considering someone in my extended family once said "If I were your father I wouldn't allow you to do that (probably get a peircing or move in with a boyfriend or something else benign and boring) and I replied "lucky for both of us you're not then hey?" I was sober. Very sober.

Reviewing this list I'm considering revoking this ban.

*******

So, this year I decided to be positive. I've been compiling a mental list of all the things that are good about Christmas (keeping in mind that I see my family regularly so "seeing my family" doesn't really count). Here is the list.

1. Those delicious shortbread biscuits that come in tins
2. Stone fruit

I honestly can't think of anything else. My list of 2 things is comprised entirely of food. Om nom nom, Merry Christmas.