Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Lizzyish has Opinions: Why I Love Kevin Rudd

Let me begin by saying, I’m not a massive politics nerd, I’m not even 100% sure how our government system works. I mean I’m not completely uneducated on the topic, though that’s only due my own research. (Thanks school, for teaching me all the important stuff like algebra and poetry analysis, but not how voting works or how the government is run). I know enough to keep up with most political conversations I hear, and to enjoy them, and to make up my own mind about voting.

Importantly, I know that we don’t vote for a leader, we vote for a party.

Or rather, we vote for local members, who become government if they are in the majority (or even if they’re not) and through a series of events I don’t care to understand, involving the rather silly sounding word, ‘caucus’ choose a leader.

I know that the policies of the ALP haven’t really changed much between leaders, so, as a generally left leaning Labor voter, why do I kind of wish Kevin Rudd was still Prime Minister?

Because I like him, is the rather childish answer.

The Kevin07 campaign happened in the lead up to my first federal election. The first time I voted was for the Labor party, almost solely because of Kevin Rudd. My whole teen years had been dominated by John Howard, to the point where the name “Howard” was completely synonymous with the words “Prime Minister”. Sure, I remembered Keating, but the politics of my teens were refugees and the children overboard saga, GST and “unchain your heart”, Work Choices, and eyebrows. Kevin Rudd represented change, hope and a whole lot less facial hair.

PMKevin was well spoken and clever, he was easy to respect, in the way a dad is easy to respect. He was funny, again in a kind of lame dad way, but still. He went on Good News Week and Rove, he wasn’t afraid to say stupid shit about sauce bottles. He laughed off that time he picked his nose during Parliament. He went to that strip club that time. He got emotional on camera. His twitter stream was 50% informative, 50% about funny shit that happened to him in the course of being a Prime Minister. In short, he was likeable.

His ‘proud of the fact that’ speech, while repetitive to the point of embarrassment, was one of the best political speeches I’ve ever heard from an Australian pollie. Simply because it was honest, and gracious, and unlike anything you’d ever hear from any one else.

The day Kevin Rudd stopped being Prime Minister was simultaneously exciting and depressing for me. Exciting because of twitter, depressing because of Julia. Julia Gillard is so unlikeable, especially compared to Rudd. She’s cold, reserved and has an irritating voice. I bet if she picked her nose in parliament she would blame it on Tony Abbott.

I don’t have a lot to say about Rudd’s resignation as Foreign Minister today. I think it was inevitable, and about as graceful as possible in the circumstances. I do have this to say though: Hey Labor party members talking about disloyalty? What side were you on in June 2010 ha? And Wayne Swan? Kevin could fucking kick your ass in hand-to-hand combat. He would roll up those sleeves, take of those glasses and smash you into the fucking ground, you weedy bastard. Disloyalty, honestly, is that really the best word you can think of to discredit him?

I KNOW we’re meant to care about their politics, but if we’re being ruled by a party, and not by a leader, then why wouldn’t you want a funny, down-to-earth, sauce bottle shaking, twitter-savvy dad as that leader? That’s all I’m saying.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentine’s Advice from your smug partnered friend



It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of a big tub of ice cream must be in want of a Valentine.

However little known the feelings or views of such a girl may be on her first entering a pub, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding women, that her happiness is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of her partnered friends.

Yes even if such a lady SAYS she’s happy being single; she secretly wants us coupled ladies to help her find love. On a daily basis. So, with this in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for this Valentine’s Day.

1.     Being in a relationship is the most important thing in the world. Don’t even TRY to find happiness in your work, hobbies, or interests – they are meaningless. Meaningless.
2.     Dating is really easy. Sure, *I* haven’t done it in years, but if you’re not good at it there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
3.     Have sex with as many people as possible, it will make you feel good about yourself and is also a good way to lose weight. Nothing.
4.     Don’t have sex with every guy you meet, that’s just slutty.
5.     I don’t know; work out some sort of percentage. Maybe like 70%? What am I? A mathematician?
6.     You are free to date whoever you want, after they have been through a rigorous testing process coordinated by myself and your mother. We are definitely in cahoots.
7.     How did I end up in such a sickeningly perfect relationship? Oh, just luck I guess. You? You should not rely on luck. Really desperately and actively seek a relationship so that you can be happy like me.
8.     The key to a good relationship is open and honest communication. So it is important to make a note of all the lies you tell him now, so you can keep track of them.
9.     The aforementioned lies should just be little things. Like your age, your income, your hopes, dreams, desires and most important of all, your interests. It is important to pretend to like all the stuff guys like so they don’t get bored when talking to you.
10. I mention my boyfriend up to 38 times an hour in an attempt to encourage you to get one too.
11. Wear lots of make up all the time. No! You’re beautiful! I’m just saying guys are really into stuff like hair and make up, they really notice when you make an effort in the morning. Seriously.
12. You just have to be patient. Mister Right is out there for you too, and other clichés.
13. There is nothing wrong with being alone on Valentine’s Day, really. You know what you should do? You should organise a big girls’ night out! Just us girls!
14. Oh no, The Boy won’t mind, we have plans during the day. Oh I won’t bore you with the details but let’s just say it involves champagne and ponies and a hot air balloon and cheese you’ve never heard of and also gourmet figs and a puppy. At the same time.
15. Yeah! Let’s get really drunk! Who needs men right?! *smug smile*
16. Tequila!
17. Dancing! Let’s dance sexily… together haha just kidding.
18. You should kiss that guy! No really.
19. Just kiss him Sarah.
20. Go over there and do as you are fucking told.
21. Because I said so.
22. Haha see that was fun wasn’t it?!
23. Let’s sing female power ballads!
24.  I’m a survivor I’m gonna make it I will survive keep on surviving!
25. Do you wanna make out with me? Jokes!
26. What do you MEAN you want to leave?! Party party! Wear a pink plastic hat, Sarah it will make you feel better.
27. Put on the hat Sarah.
28. Tequilaaaaa!
29. No, seriously. No shh, shhh just listen. I envy you. I really do. You’re so free. Sometimes I wish I was single.
30. Can someone call my boyfriend and get him to pick me up? I just spewed in my shoes.