I have been wanting to write an opinion piece for some time. I actually recently wrote an opinion piece about opinions, just to get me in the mood… but it was kinda shit. I’m thinking of starting a folder on my mac called “kinda shit”. Anyway, in order to write a funny opinion piece, I think you need some good source material. It’s one thing to get all passionate about something, but if you want it to be truly funny, rip apart someone’s else’s opinions for the entertainment of others, I reckon. That’s how you do it.
So I don’t know if you’ve read Margaret Court’s opinion yet today, but it’s pretty clear. Margaret Court loves straight people. She loves straight people so hard she wants to marry them all. No wait, only the men, because women can’t marry women. She wants to marry the men, the straight men, because she loves them. She loves them simply because they choose not to put their penises near other men, except in urinals, where it’s ok.
Look it’s possible that I haven’t fully grasped Margaret’s opinions. Which is why it’s awesome that Mike Sutchberry has translated it for us. He’s done a very good job, and I highly recommend you check it out. In fact, to be honest, I’ve only read all of Ms Court’s “article” because it’s in Mike’s. His translation is well funny.
But my friend Mim pointed out to me on the twitters that Mike perhaps doesn’t quite go far enough, considering just how far Maggie went, and then… because Mim is pleasant, she suggested I might enjoy having a crack at a translation. I would suggest this is a translation for the young people, a translation for those in their 20s or even younger. This is a translation for all you cool kids out there who don’t actually read newspapers and get your news solely from twitter, like Mim and I do.
Ahem.
WE (my followers and I) live in a blessed nation (in the clouds, looking down on you) but Australia is on a steep moral decline (this is clearly visible from our cloud-country, we have a higher vantage point, you see, and a moat).
Everywhere you look we are making excuses for a sliding lifestyle and more people are blind to it than ever before.
Why, just the other day, my husband let me speak in public and no one said ANYTHING.
Our Constitution is based on biblical principles and our nation is great because of it.
I’ve not read the constitution, but it is convenient for the purposes of my article for me to suggest it closely and indeed specifically aligns with my religion.
We are a country with a moral fabric and families and marriage are at its core.
Australia is made out of blankets woven from the skins of children. You couldn’t make this up.
But increasingly our kids are being taught that anything goes.
Anything Goes, first performed on Broadway in 1934, is a musical by Cole Porter. Many Gays have probably performed in it. This is relevant, stay tuned.
As a society we are losing touch with fundamental Christian values, as our leaders lean towards an agenda of political correctness to keep the minorities happy.
Gays mostly. See I told you it was relevant.
We live in a world of moral values. Even those without faith know what is right and what is wrong.
I don’t actually believe atheists have a moral code but I am trying to appeal to a broad audience here. We all know it’s only atheists who commit rape and murder.
We all have a conscience and so many people get trapped in the pattern of saying something is right when deep down they know it isn't.
People’s attitudes are changing! Deep down though, they all know that really they agree with everything their grandparents believed. This is the best way for our society (the one in the clouds AND the one you call Australia) to survive.
It's that attitude that can harden hearts. People suddenly justify the immoralities around them. We have taken the easy way out. Minorities are now making it harder for the majority. They are increasingly taking everything that is good in society and pushing it to the side.
Gays HATE nice things. All that stuff you love? Like safety, financial security, your children, Xboxes… Gays just HATE them. They don’t even know why, so don’t ask me. They just hate happiness I guess. Pretty ironic, considering they stole the true meaning of the word gay from us normals (WHICH by the way, I was using on a regular basis).
Looking back, you can see that there has been a steep decline, especially when it comes to the issue of sexuality.
My knowledge of history is similar to my knowledge of the constitution.
There is so much scripture within the Bible that points to what we see happening now. We are losing that sense of discipline.
In Biblical times, women were stoned for expressing their opinions. Bring that shit back, pronto.
Let me be clear. I believe that a person's sexuality is a choice.
I felt the need to explicitly state that, just in case you thought I might base my opinions on scientific studies or logic.
In the Bible it said that homosexuality is among sins that are works of the flesh.
Along with working on the Sabbath, which I never do, being a pastor. Also women aren’t allowed to be preachers. Wait. Shit.
It is not something you are born with.
The bible explicitly states this, it says, “people aren’t born with gayness”, I read it once.
My concern is that we are advocating to young people that it is OK to have these feelings. But I truly believe if you are told you are gay from a young age, soon enough it will start to impact your life and you will live it. If somebody is told they are gay they often start to believe it.
This is why young people who are told they are not gay, and are told to suppress their feelings, turn out straight and have absolutely no chance of becoming depressed and killing themselves. This is a truth-fact brought to you by the Margaret Court Institute of Science.
We are living in a society that takes the easy way out. But we have to work at life and make things better. You need to be disciplined. I became the first Australian woman to win Wimbledon because I trained hard and worked towards it.
This is relevant to my argument because SPORT.
It's why I believe so strongly in the sanctity of marriage. It takes hard work. Children need a mother and a father - stability from a male and a female - and I think we are losing sight of this.
I would never have played SPORT if it weren’t for having both a male and female parent. This is why all children raised in single parent families end up homeless and poverty stricken. None of them ever play SPORT.
We are led by politicians who lie and spread deceit. They no longer stand true to their word and that affects us all, as a nation. Lies just don't seem to matter much any more.
Politicians have started lying, just recently, and it’s because of Gays, and probably Asians too, come to think of it.
There is so much deception in the world and it's getting worse by the minute. The Book of Romans speaks of the people of Earth trading in God; of worshipping life and things within it instead of God who made us. By refusing Him, women no longer know how to be women and men no longer know how to be men.
When men and women stop adhering to strict gender roles, the world will end. This is what the Mayans were talking about in a book they titled “Romans” for some reason. Crazy Mayans.
We have lost our way and have been convinced by the secular view that it's all OK.
Though we have a secular government, it is BAD and WRONG for secular views to influence our governments.
SPORT.
It worries me because I fear our next generation will lose all direction and become more blinded than ever before.
I am handing out compasses and glasses to all children at religious schools: enroll your child today!
I can't understand, if we are a blessed nation under a biblical Constitution, why there is such a push to change it?
I can’t understand other points of view. Please don’t make me listen to them anymore. It’s like maths. You know how some people are bad at maths? I’m bad at empathy and human rights.
We will only start to tear away at the rich fabric and sustained values..
You’re ripping the child skin blanket and I don’t like it!
Then God will take his hand off our nation and the lights will go out.
God is touching us all right now. This is called safe touch. When the lights go out God will start touching us in other places. This is called unsafe touch and should be reported to a parent, teacher or grown-up friend.
That is why I believe we need to protect marriage because it has been God-ordained from the beginning.
God ordained the swapping of cattle for women and is most upset with us for losing our way. Need I remind you about the unsafe touch? Cows people. He wants cows for girls and he wants them now.
God told man to be united with his wife and to multiply on earth.
If you’re one of those people who’s bad at maths this means intercourse.
I had fame and success and a great husband but I always knew something was missing in my life. I used to think there had to be more to it. I knew He was there but I didn't know how to make the connection. I didn't understand how God could be real in my life. But then I accepted Jesus Christ, and believed that He came to Earth as the son of God, to die for our sins.
My personal belief system, which I am within my rights to uphold, is more important than your personal belief system, which you have no rights to because you are a minority (I have crunched the numbers on this, at my science institute. We do statistics now too)
Even then I didn't understand the power of the Bible, his word. If I knew then what I knew now I could have won six Wimbledons, not three.
God has the power to influence tennis matches.
The New Testament is the greatest book on psychology. It shows you how to live victoriously. It's our TV guide to life. It has everything in there for every facet - even how to run a nation.
Disclaimer: the bible is not really a TV guide OR a book on psychology. Do not use at home.
People think it's a book of fear but it is not. It's a book of love and a training manual for life that offers protection from sin. Life is but a wisp. So many turn to God on their deathbeds but if they accepted His love during life they would experience far more blessings. We will pass away, but the scriptures won't.
All those floods and smitings were God’s way of showing LOVE. Don’t you see, he doesn’t mean to hurt you, he just gets so angry, and you didn’t have dinner ready for him when he got home. He works hard you know, and he doesn’t need some ungrateful bitch pissing his money away and telling everyone what a crap husband he is! Stop crying!
We need to turn our minds back to God and I still believe we have the capacity to make that change. Understand that there is a God and that He is real and that He can be part of your life.
Even if you get a restraining order, he’ll always be there.
A nun at my primary school once gave me the cane and it was one of the best lessons of my life. She could see the potential in me long before I did. She gave me a grounding for the future, for which I remain grateful. I didn't have an easy childhood but I had good families around me that sowed into my life. That's what our kids need right now. People who are willing to stand up for them, for our families, in a world where we have become far too scared.
Even though I had a mother and a father, it took an angry virgin in a cape brandishing a stick to teach me how to be a good person. This kind of negates my argument, but I just really like hitting kids.
Margaret Court is a pastor and a former world No.1 tennis player
Lizzyish likes pasta and writes a blog about stuff. She finds tennis really boring.
