A Photo a Day

More than 200 days ago, on my 25^th birthday I took a photo of the new TARDIS apron my parents had bought me. I had known for a few days that I wanted to start a daily social media ‘project’ but it wasn’t until I took that photo that I knew for sure it would be a photo a day.

srsly though, great present. 

By the third day I was already struggling for ideas of what to photograph. I didn’t want to take boring pictures of my dinner, and I didn’t want to only take selfies, and I was already on struggle street. On days like today, when I haven’t left the house, I will often have to contrive a reason for a photo. Many times this means taking a photo of something I’m eating, or of my face, but more often than not it makes me do something. I’ll go for a walk, bake something or find something nice to photograph.

Initially, I felt weird about this, and some of the photos don’t seem completely genuine, it’s clear to me at least that I am guilty of glorifying the mundane in order to make my life seem more interesting for facebook. But as the days (all 208 of them) have passed, I’ve come to appreciate the impetus to do something worth documenting. Plus I’ve become more relaxed. I don’t try to force a photo as often anymore, and I’ve stopped caring if some of the photos are boring to others. Because while I have made the choice to share them publicly, I have also come to realise that the photos are more for me than for anyone else.

Since starting my weird facebook album I have had a few people ask me why I’m doing it. My answers usually vary between the rather flippant ‘I dunno, just for something to do’ and the comparatively deep, ‘because I wanted to document my life this year’. The truth probably lies somewhere in-between. I knew, on my birthday, that the next 365 days were going to be big. I was going back to full-time study, doing teaching prac and going on an overseas holiday. I also knew that I was struggling to find creative things to do with myself even when I had plenty of free time, so a ‘simple’ photo each day seemed like a nice project to do while very busy.

One of the most surprising things to me is that I’ve managed to keep up with it. While I admit that I have missed a few days here and there, I have been pretty consistent. 

Though I have created this image for emergencies.

Like the imposed regularity of a Sunday blog, making myself document a snapshot of each day has produced both not-so-great and really-quite-good results. I'm pleased I'm doing it, and I feel confident that I will always be glad that I documented this year like this. 

Graffiti on the toilet walls in the cafe where JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter

I haven't yet taken a photo for today, day 209, I think I might do one of my dinner maybe, or one of my pretty face.

what a cutie

Top Ten Weirdest/ Best Facebook ads.

Facebook ads. We all know 'em, we all get 'em, we all ignore 'em... except no I actually take screenshots of 'em and collect 'em like a weird hermit collects rusty nails. I post them on Facebook, keep them in a folder with the screenshots of those times minor celebrities tweeted at me, and now, post them in blog form for all the world to see.

So now I present to you: my top ten weirdest/ funniest Facebook ads for your enjoyment/ mutual disgust.


Number 10 - A phone company that just wants to see you fly.

...people who just really should be flung from catapults. 

I don't know what Samsung was getting at here, and frankly I don't want to know. Are they intending to launch people into space? Will the people be consenting to this? How will this help my phone plan?


Number 9 - Just some Guy.

This is just one of those fortuitous alignments. The kind of thing that happens once every 26 years when the moon is full and a field mouse is seen to converse with a crow. Guy Sebastian deserves better than this, he does, but this is still beautiful.


Number 8 - Slimmer, Smaller, Sharper, Better.

The person in this image has a genuine goitre problem they need to get checked out.

Ah yes, "ugly neck syndrome" - a blight upon humanity. This advertisement is concerning on a number of levels, not least of which are the obvious problems the writer has with the English language. But aside from that, this ad epitomises all that is wrong with the beauty industry. You are ugly, you are so very ugly, YOU ARE UGLY IN WAYS YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE UGLY. Buy our product. 

Number 7 - the product is snails.

The snails just sit on your shelf and judge your blemishes.

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK, FACEBOOK SIDEBAR? Snail street dot com are you real life? Are you genuinely going to mail me snails and NOT use a snail mail pun? I am frankly disgusted with you. 

Number 6 - Exterminate.

Just a small, monthly donation to our benevolent overlord.

 Anything that claims to "destroy" any part of you is bad news. Even if that part of you is unwanted fat. I'm no health expert, but I can tell you that 1. you really should exercise, like all people should do that, it's good for you, 2. this diet will not include delicious eggs on toast, and 3. you should not be destroying your body with weird products you find on Facebook.


Number 5 - Jennifer Anniston is a wizard.

magic!

That's right, folks, Jen used these two diet tips, without dieting! Jennifer Anniston exists on another plane of existence where you can diet without dieting, eat without eating and be involved in shonky ad campaigns without consenting!

Number 4 - Weep your way through a degree.

Please don't make me.

You know that feeling you get when you're approaching the midway point through your assessments at uni and you honestly feel like you don't know how you're going to get through them all? One time I lay on a futon with a cushion on my head for three hours and had a silent panic attack about how much work I had to do. So I totally understand the way the girl in this image is feeling right now. What I don't understand is why OUA thought this was a good image to get people to enrol in their psychology course. Now I know what you're about to say, "no, no, Lizzy, the girl is representative of the kinds of people I can help once I've graduated from OUA!" To that I say, only if you make it through that feeling you get midway through your exams, chump. 

Number 3 - blessings upon you my child.

Ok this is totally cheating, because this isn't a Facebook ad. It's from some other website of dubious legality which we won't mention here, but I just had to include it in the list. The Internet has blessed you? Ok, I know in the past I've said that the internet is a religion, but this is too much, this is too far. Thank you lord internet for the gift of this $97/hour job. Thank you for this baby (which I assume was thrown in as a perk). ALSO at $97 an hour... why are you only earning $13, 750? per what? per annum? What do you have to do? Does it involve the baby? I am going to stop asking questions because that kid is staring at me and I'm afraid it's about to start answering me. 

Number 2 - Hashtag body shaming

Exactly like kissing, thanks for asking. 

Uuuuurrrrghhhhh there is so much wrong here. First up: facial hair is super fashionable at the moment, Gilette, you appear to have missed a memo. Second up, get fucked with your body shaming tactics. Maybe it stands out so much because this stuff is usually aimed at women, not men (and that's a whole other blog post) but some dudes are hairy, one dude who I happen to like a lot is a stubbly bastard, actually, but he'll still buy your fucking razors because he likes to shave his face hair into this chin strap thing that really suits him so you don't actually NEED to make people feel bad to buy your product, ok? Finally, DON'T FUCKING ADVERTISE TO ME. I *hate* this new thing where companies are like "ladies, how gross are our men, right? Let's CLEAN THEM!" Implying that men are incapable of looking after themselves AND that women are the ones who do the shopping. Gross, gross, gross, everybody shut up.

Number 1 - Cut a Bitch.

You bitches on the left don't matter, is what I'm saying.

And here we have it, the funniest ad I've ever seen on Facebook. When I first saw it, a small chuckle began deep within me. It rose up, and as I read and re-read the words, it exploded out of me, as I stared into the soulless eyes of the teenagers involved, it shook my whole body until tears came from mine. Because what is it really saying? 

Can't stand someone? Know some bitches who just really need to be taken down a peg? Let them know forever by immortalising on a phone case that time you cut them out of a photo! Use your phone case to cover them in the original photo! Take another photo of them with your newly dressed phone! Let them stare into the eyes of your true friends now stuck forever on the back of your phone. Imply with a look that yes, they'll be cut from this photo too. From all photos. Forever.

Seen some weird ads? Please share them with me on Facebook! Let us use the problematic website in question to share images for our own enjoyment. It seems only right. P.S. Sorry I skipped a week, I was lazy. xx 

14 Reasons to Hate February 14th

Fig. 1. The "Blood Red Bear" from Ancient Valentine's Mythology. It takes your heart and then eats all your chocolates. 

Valentine’s Day is a crock of shit and you know it.

“You’re not allowed to say that, Lizzy,” I hear you grumble; “you’ve got a boyfriend. Only single people are allowed to hate Valentine’s Day. Leave us alone and go back to your happiness”. Well to that I say, pffffft. We can unite in our hatred of this “holiday”, ok? Is there anyone in the world who genuinely enjoys Valentine’s Day? In their heart of hearts? (Not sorry). Really? I would like to hear from you. I have a small experiment I would like to perform on you. Right after I take you through this list of 14 reasons no one in the entire world could possibly like Valentine’s Day:

1.     No one wants a goddamn bear that says “I wuv you” when you squeeze it.

2.     No one wants to pay $90 per person to sit in a crowded restaurant in the middle of the week eating a set menu worth about $30 on any other night.

3.     Have you seen Woolworths is selling a ONE KILO BOX OF CHOCOLATES? You could kill someone with a box that big. And this is for a holiday recognised for being about couples. You are buying a box bigger than my torso for ONE PERSON. This aint no family box, this is gift that says, quite clearly “hey fatty fatty, I love you, please have a coronary”.

4.     Single people feel inadequate on a day devoted to couples.

5.     Couples feel obliged to get involved even though it’s a Thursday night and honestly, wouldn’t you much rather stay in and eat tacos?

6.     If one person in a relationship buys a present, and the other is like “why is present? Happy Thursday?” then everyone is going to feel just a little sad.

7.     If one person is expecting a present and the other is like “Hah! Valentine’s Day is for chumps” everyone is going to feel a little sad then too.

8.     No one wants to see your facebook photos of your romantic, candlelit dinner and hot tub session.

9.     Or your hike to a mountain, followed by champagne and a quick proposal.

10. Or your 1kg box of chocolates.

11. St Valentine was just some guy (or possibly two guys) and he didn’t have anything to do with tacky Hallmark cards with pink hearts and flowers on them.

12. In fact he was martyred. And was probably single and alone.

13. That movie tried hard, but Love Actually was 300 times better and got there first so… yeah. Shut up Valentine's Day.

14. One Valentine’s Day, Boyfriend and I decided to go to the Night Owl to get some instant packet mousse because we both really felt like chocolate mousse because um… who doesn’t? I bought the mousse and the milk and then Boyfriend decided we needed whipped cream too. So he went back in and got it and the guy behind the counter with the permanently blood-shot eyes was like “heh. Happy Valentine’s Day” because it looked like he was just buying whipped cream on Valentine’s Day and that was kind of gross.

Internet Fame

One day I’d like to be internet famous. I’m not really sure why I want this. I’ve never wanted to be any other kind of famous. I know lots of people do, I personally know lots of people who do want real life fame, or who have in the past, but it’s never really been my thing. My grandma often talks about my name one day “being in lights” (I think this is a prerequisite for being a grandma) but I’ve always thought what a horrible thing that would be. Imagine not being able to go places and enjoy them because people think you owe them something… a photo, an autograph, a smile. Sometimes you want to go places and frown, you know? And not have people analysing that the next day.

This is why internet fame would be the best kind of fame. I could be famous from my own living room. I could be famous and still get to wear my dressing gown all the time (like I’m doing right now). I know this is naïve, I know that lots of internet famous people get mobbed and have stalkers and have to… you know, engage with other people in the real world, but this is a pipe dream people, let me smoke it how I want.

I think it’s probably a bit embarrassing to admit you want internet fame. It’s something that’s just meant to happen, and you’re not meant to expect it, or know what to do with it. And you have to be humble and surprised when your tweets get retweeted 50+ times and your ask box on tumblr gets swamped with requests for sexual favours. Of course, I WOULD be quite surprised, and humbled… but I’d also be mother effing excited. “Eeeee”, I would say, “I’m internet famous!” I would yell.

I guess the real reason I would like people to be my internet followers/stalkers/friends/lovers is because I like writing things, I like people to read the things I write and the internet is an easy way to share things that I write with people who can read. I’m also quite lazy, so if I can achieve maximum readership with minimum hair brushing, then that’s a real win for me. Extra points if there’s chocolate in the fridge.

I try to write funny tweets, but I’m still learning at that one. It really wasn’t so long ago I was using twitter as a means to drunkenly embarrass myself in 140 characters or less, so it’s early days. Now I’m always sober when I use twitter, and only embarrass myself 47% of the time, almost always deliberately, so that’s something.

I made a tumblr devoted entirely to tea the other day. This has been an instant success with no less than 55 tea-loving heroes signing up to follow my daily tea obsession. I have no idea what to do with this kind of power.

Obviously, my biggest chance at internet stardom is this here blog. Not only do I have a number of people who actually read it every time (you guys, I actually love you), I also genuinely enjoy writing it, and believe I’m getting better at it too. So that’s why I am completely chuffed to share this image with you all.

That’s right, today I hit 10, 000 overall views of Hum Drum Plum. Actually, truth be told I hit 9,999. I really wanted to get a screenshot of the big moment, but of course the big moment didn’t arrive. So I asked Boyfriend to look at my blog, refreshed the page and BAM, captured. So yes, I sort of cheated, but it made a good story, and we are all about good stories here at the Plum.

In conclusion, I made a facebook fan page. Yeah, this was all a big lead up to this plug (no, it wasn’t, not really I swear!). But anyway, if you’d like a nice easy way to get updates on when I upload things/ want to easily comment on things without having to get a google account/an open ID (nobody even knows what that is), then please like my facebook page. Don’t be scared, clicky clicky.

Also you may have noticed my blogs now come with little reaction boxes. These are a really lazy and pleasant way to interact with me. It’s like you saying “hey, I’m here, I read the thing and it wasn’t shit, great so please continue” without actually having to say it.

Thanks for all your support/lurking.

L

P.S I’m going to revamp the page soon I PROMISE, so it won’t be as offensive to your eyes anymore.

Lizzyish gives advice: to my siblings

Dear Charlie, Dear Patrick, Dear Sally

Unsolicited and unwanted advice for my younger siblings and anybody else who might care.

Dear C, P and S.

How are you? I hope school holidays are treating you well. For no apparent reason I have decided to write down the 10 most important things I reckon you need to know to get through school/your teens. Feel free to ignore these. But seriously, don’t, because they’re really good.

1.     You don’t have to accept every person who sends you a friend request on facebook. If they are a bit of a jerk at school, or you don’t actually know them, that’s what the ignore button is for. You’re just going to have to go through and delete them all one day, anyway. If there is a chance you may have an awkward ‘why didn’t you accept my friend request?’ conversation, sure, go ahead and add them, but click ‘unsubscribe’ so you don’t have to put up with their rubbish on a daily basis.

2.     If you ever really want to give up on something (like a musical instrument or a language or a sport), so bad that you honestly can’t contemplate doing it even one more time, give up on it. It’s not worth the angst even if you’re a genius at it.

3.     If you ever kinda want to give up on something because it is annoying, stick it out for one more school term. If you still want to give up on it then, but you don’t feel like you did about the thing in item 2, stick at it for just one more term, if sticking at it for half a year makes you feel like item 2, drop that thing like a hot potato. You tried, good job, go find something you love doing.

4.     Sport is fun, it’s a good way to stay healthy and meet nice people and learn some skills. If you’re not very good at it, find another sport that you like or are good at. Try them all. It doesn’t actually matter if you never get good at any of them. See items 2 and 3 also.

5.     You’re = you are (the apostrophe gives that one away), your = possession (as in, ‘that’s your coat’, ‘this is your idea of a good blog, Lizzy, not mine’). If you’re ever about to write the word ‘your’, ask yourself first if you’re actually saying ‘you are’, like I just did in this sentence, twice.

6.     All the variations of the word ‘there’ start with the word ‘the’. So if you’re about to write their/there/they’re, write ‘the’ first and then stop. The easiest one to remember is they’re, because it has an apostrophe and is just like ‘you’re’. It’s missing a letter, why? Because it’s really ‘they are’, easy! The other two you kinda just have to remember. Their = belongs to them. ‘It is their first day, be nice’, ‘that’s their mum, stop talking about them’. There = a place. ‘I hid it over there, don’t look at it.’ I have no idea how you’re going to remember these, but do. Because people judge you harshly for getting this stuff wrong, so you may as well surprise them from an early age by being awesome at grammar.

7.     If you ever like a boy or a girl, act on it. Either tell them, ask them on a date, or kiss them. As you get older, kissing them is the best way, because it makes it really clear, but you get to close your eyes so you don’t have to look and see if they are surprised/ repulsed/ about to reject you. The way I see it, if you tell them then one of four things will happen. 1. They will reject you horribly and you won’t get over it for a while, 2. They will reject you nicely and you’ll get over it pretty quickly, 3. They will tell you they like you too and everything will be great, or 4. They will be so happy that someone likes them they will suddenly like you even if they didn’t before. If you don’t tell them, here’s what will happen: 1. Nothing, 2. Pain, 3. Nothing, 4. You’ll do something crazy like yell at them for no reason (I am talking from really embarrassing experience on no. 4). So in conclusion, telling them has 2-3 good outcomes, not telling them has only pain and bad things.

8.     NEVER PUT ANY OF YOUR FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE IN A LETTER. If you like them enough, tell them to their face. Putting it in a letter risks embarrassment, teasing, and judgement for your lack of good grammar. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

9.     Don’t ever tease people. Never. Ever. Even if they are super ugly/stupid/lame/bad at things/annoying or even if they actually deserve it for being a jerk. Just walk away. Even if your friends are teasing them, just walk away. You will only ever regret teasing someone.

10. Being into stuff isn’t a bad thing. If you really like a TV show, a sport, a game, a comic, a band, an activity, a book, a movie, an actor, anything, chances are at some stage someone is going to try to make you feel bad about it. “I can’t believe you like X!” they will say, “X is for idiots/nerds/losers/girls/boys/little kids/etc etc etc,” they will bleat. I’m going to use a rude word now, it’s the first of the blog, and mum will have to forgive me. FUCK those guys. If you like something, like it! There’s this secret that you learn as you get older, but I’m going to pass it onto you guys now because I like you and you’re all cool enough to handle it (I wasn’t). If you are confident enough in the stuff you like, people will like you for it. If you turn around to that person and not only say, “Of course I like it” but also say “why wouldn’t you?!” And then talk in a really knowledgeable way for about 90 seconds on the merits of your favourite thing, that person will feel embarrassed and, whether they admit it or not, will respect you for standing up for yourself and your favourite thing. And the best bit is that other people who know about the thing will find you and want to be your friend. And soon you’ll have a whole group of people who are into the stuff you are. And because you were the first to publicly talk about the awesome thing, they will see you as some kind of awesome thing leader. And if you get into other stuff they will probably get into it with you. And you will be the awesome thing god/goddess.

I hope this helps. School sucks sometimes, but following the above 10 things can make it that little bit better. But mostly they’ll just make you awesome.

Love,

Lizzy