33 Week Challenge Week 10: Get a Tarot Card Reading

Yes, I know, I changed the background. I think I might hate it, but I want to create a super awesome background soon and was also changing some other things so I thought I’d put a generic thing up for now. The new things include links to my favourite blogs I’ve done in my NAQ up the top there. And the first challenge blog too, because it’s starting to get a bit confusing I think. Also I’m trialing a new twitter thing. This one is just as ugly but the other one didn’t make it clear when something was a retweet, so I felt like it looked as though I was stealing other peoples’ funniness.

Soon, the challenge, but first, an anecdote from my bus trip today (written in play form for amusement):

MAN IN HAT stands in the rear doorway for no apparent reason.

LIZZY: Urgh, stupid man in a hat, get out of the doorway, you will get squashed.

MAN IN HAT gets squashed.

LIZZY: huh.

LADY WITH SHOPPING attempts to touch off go card on a faulty machine.

MACHINE: beeeeeeeep

LADY WITH SHOPPING attempts to touch off go card on a faulty machine.

MACHINE: beeeeeeeep

LADY WITH SHOPPING attempts to touch off go card on a faulty machine.

MACHINE: beeeeeeeep

LADY WITH SHOPPING attempts to touch off go card on a faulty machine.

MACHINE: beeeeeeeep

LADY WITH SHOPPING tries other machine, it works, she exits through doors that MAN IN HAT has recently evacuated.

ALL OTHER PASSENGERS EVER attempt to touch off go card on faulty machine

MACHINE: beeeeeeep (x 52)

LIZZY: stupid passengers, didn’t they see the lady with the shopping? How dumb can you really be?

LIZZY attempts to touch off go card on faulty machine

MACHINE: beeeeeeep you fucking idiot!

LIZZY escapes with little to no dignity

So ANYWAY. That happened. I thought I would share it for your enjoyment. Not least of all because I am not quite sure how to write up this week’s challenge which was:

No. 8: Get a Tarot Card Reading

Ok, well they were actually Gypsy cards, not Tarot, but close enough. Read by a real life Gypsy, with painted on eyebrows and a Yugoslavian accent who smoked and drank coffee and had clearly made the little sequined cover for her lamp.

So, remember when I went on a rant about the sunrise? And I wouldn’t shut up about what an atheist I am? Yeah, well, this Gypsy lady was pretty convincing yo. Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking, but seriously, you weren’t there. I can’t even tell you how freaked out I was at times.

On the other hand, I am a rational, logical and skeptical human. Within 5 minutes of leaving I had analysed all the things that had freaked me out and found a reasonable explanation for them. But I wasn’t 100% convinced, just as I wasn’t 100% convinced when I was in the tent that she knew anything about me. So I think what I’m going to do is write about this like I have a split personality. First reaction on the left, rational deconstruction on the right.

So when I first went in I was feeling quite nervous and bothered. I didn’t want to offend the lady by saying something rude or judgmental or dismissive, but I also thought the whole thing was a load of tosh.  Tricky.

Within moments of me sitting down she said to me that I was smiling on the outside but angry or frustrated on the inside. She asked me why I was doing this and I was incapable of answering her, because it totally threw me. It was as if she sensed my discomfort and this really disquieted me.

Within moments of me sitting down, she used body language cues and her skill at reading people’s emotions in their faces and told me I was smiling on the outside but angry or frustrated on the inside. She knew that this might throw me off a little at the start and make me more likely to believe her.

I shuffled the cards and cut them for her. Then she laid them all out. I believe the order of the cards is the significant thing here; I didn’t have to pick any. She asked me absolutely no questions about my life, but when she said things, merely asked if I could relate.

She was quite accurate about a lot of things. She knew that I’d been feeling like I needed to make a big decision, and told me I should do this within 6 days, weeks, or months. I think I have to make this decision around January next year. I didn’t tell her it was my birthday, but it was and I woke up feeling like I was going to turn over a new leaf and try to start my 24th year cleanly. Apparently one of my important cards said that this was the start of a new chapter, and she almost perfectly put into words what I had felt that morning. She was amazingly accurate about my character and personality and knew that I was headstrong, stubborn and a go-getter, but also had self-confidence issues. She said at one point that I had a sadness in my heart, and this touched such a nerve that I actually got slightly teary. I know that sounds stupid, but I have long struggled (fairly publicly, so I’m not afraid to say… also you should never be afraid to say) with feelings of depression. Lately I have had a slight resurgence in these feelings and to have her bluntly say it really shook me. She told me that I was only superficially committed to my relationship, and to relationships in general. Which was frankly wrong. When I told her so, she said that she saw a wall there, and asked if I was putting up walls for some other reason. I have been lacking in a lot of self-confidence in many of my relationships lately. She was creepily spot on about members of my family. Boyfriend also got his cards read after I did. We both had the same first card, ‘sunshine’. In my reading she said this represented the guardian angel, and it meant that even if there were bad things in my cards, it meant things were going to be ok. When he got it, she said that it represented me and showed that I was important to him; the basis or foundation of his life. Lovely.

Many people who go to tarot/gypsy card readers are probably trying to make up their mind about something. It was a safe bet to suggest that I was. Also 6 days, weeks, or months? Nice and vague there, that covers a lot of time! Again, I suspect a lot of people feel as though they are starting anew, or want to be starting anew when they go to have their cards read. I wear no-nonsense clothes and have a brand-new bluntly cut hairstyle, I went with my boyfriend but didn’t look to him regularly for reassurance, I have many nervous physical habits. These outward attributes of mine beam out to the world that I am all of these things. You might have to be a bit clever to see it, but not psychic. Depression is one of the most common afflictions affecting Australians today, particularly those in my age group. And even without that, most people are sad or have sadness about something. She was wrong, and when I called her on it, she didn’t provide an alternate explanation, but asked me for information, which I freely gave to her. Yes, my dad doesn’t always support my choices. I have piercings and work in the theatre industry… she didn’t have to stretch far to come up with that one did she! Coincidence. Yes, it is lovely. But I don’t think it’s any secret we quite like each other. She also thought we had communication issues, which couldn’t be further from the truth so, you know, I guess when you’re a gypsy card reader you win some/lose some.

And that, dear bloggeroos is the end of my story. It was the strangest birthday activity I’ve ever done and would highly recommend it to others. I hope I’ve made it clear that I have room in my brain for both these interpretations of the experience. Seriously, this has been one of the hardest blogs to write ever.

I would like to draw your attention to a sad loss, that of challenge no. 23 – get dreadlocks. Unfortunately, no. 23 died this week, that is, the potential for no. 23 to ever happen was squashed when I spur-of-the-moment decided to cut all of my hair off. (EDIT: Just realised I missed an excellent opportunity to make the terrible pun, "deadlocks"- tragic).


This happens to me sometimes. Photographic evidence follows:

You can't even tell I had a needle and can't feel parts of my face! Right? You can't tell, right?

Also. I got a tumblr. I'm not really sure what to do with it yet but I realised I could have an amusing play on the words Hum Drum Plum as a title... so that's pretty much the reason I have one. If you also have one, find me here (fixed link) and teach me things, please.

33 Week Challenge Week 9: have a dress made for me!

Well good evening, blogeroos – did you miss me? I sure missed you!

So let me tell you a story about my week. Once again, I spent most of my week working and watching TV and unfortunately, feeling a bit ill. And as such, began to panic a little today. Once again I had left it too late and was starting to stress, this very morning, about failing yet again to keep up with this now that NYWM is over. I mean it’s ridiculous, I set myself these tasks and 1) I get stressed about them and 2) I fail at them. I am such a sucker for punishment. I don’t go to uni any more and yet still I have to write 1000ish words a week because I thought it would be a good idea.

And so, in my desperation, I spent a few hours today looking at photoshop and thinking about new blog backgrounds (challenge no. 16) and I googled where I might be able to get a tarot reading (no. 8). Just on a side note, there is a lady near my house who charges SIXTY DOLLARS for a half hour tarot card reading session! Does anyone know about these things? Is that a normal amount to be charged for someone to look at cards and tell you vague general things about your future? Also, she holds your jewelry and uses that to predict things about your future. Actually, I think I’ve just convinced myself that it’s worth the money… it sounds amazing. Maybe next week.

Anyway, around 5ish this afternoon, I gave up. I decided I would write you a comedic sort of update about how my herbs have all died, and about how I got a google+ account for no reason, and how I did actually achieve another challenge a while back, which was the NYWM weekly blog thing and then get to the end and be like “yeah, p.s. I didn’t actually do a challenge… *runs away*”

AND THEN the most amazing thing happened. My housemates, Amy and Samara, and my dear friend Emily who is here from Perth organised for Rachel, who does the most amazing things on her blog imakeyouwearit to MAKE ME A LUNA LOVEGOOD DRESS! This is amazing on so many levels (not least of which being that I hadn’t yet organised my costume for the Deathly Hallows Part 2… which is only TOMORROW). They did this as a present for me for my birthday, which is next Saturday.

One of the levels on which this is excellent is that I was already planning to ask Rachel to be a part of one of my challenges (challenge no. 29), in fact, now that I think about it, I had asked her! And the sneaky lady was all aloof and “oh yeah, maybe sometime down the track…”!

So, suddenly, there were four people in my loungeroom who all knew what was in store for me, and I had no clues! And then… the dress! Check out Rachel’s blog for an explanation of her inspiration, but omg it is so Luna! Samara did my hair and make up for the photos and I felt like some sort of movie star. It was amazing!

Would you like to see??!!

 (Photos courtesy of Rachel Burke - she is a wizard, go and love her things, and follow her escapades on the facebooks and tell her she is amazing. She's doing Harry Potter themed dresses all week)

So that’s the story of how my friends provided me a ready-made challenge/ blog topic, while also simultaneously getting me an excellent birthday present, while also solving my costume problem without any effort on my part. I mean seriously, what fabulous humans to know.

Incidentally, if you want to “join one of my circles” (because that’s not a bit creepy) and you have google+, this is me: hello!  

Week 8: No Blog this week!

I hope you still love me! I've got so many awesome ideas for challenges soon, so stay tuned. But yeah, this week I pretty much just worked, watched Doctor Who, worked, watched Doctor Who, worked, mixed it up with some Secret Diary of a Call Girl, and ate cookies. Maybe I should start challenging myself to eat cookies... yeah.

33 Week Challenge Week 7: Exercise every day for a week

 Oh my god, how boring are exercise freaks? It’s all “look how many kilos I lost” and “honestly, once you start you’ll love it” and “the first 5kms are the hardest, but then you don’t even notice you’ve cycled 50!” Urgh, right? I’m *sure* they’re not trying to rub it in, but it feels as though they know I don’t own a pair of joggers, and are judging me for the block of chocolate I ate yesterday.

So, uh, given all of this…. This blog is about to get mighty awkward. Because guess what? I’m an exercise freak. I did eat a block of chocolate yesterday, but I also bought a pair of joggers. Why? Because I started to get sore shins during the 2KM JOG I WENT FOR ON FRIDAY. That’s right humans, this week’s challenge was no. 26 - Exercise Every Day for a Week.

I’m going to do my darndest to make sure that this blog isn’t any of the things I just listed. And I guess the only way I can do that is to try and make it clear to you that 6 months ago, I would 1. Never have been able to do what I did this week, 2. Never have wanted to do what I did this week and 3. Never have even considered doing what I did this week. Seriously. Go back and read this blog that I wrote when I made the decision to start karate. I still have no idea why I made that decision, because I have always been unfit and, most importantly, uninterested in getting fit. The point is though, I did, and it was a great choice. Because unlike going to the gym, or running or cycling, karate is a skill I wouldn’t usually use (ultimately, jogging is just putting one foot in front of the other) and therefore I am somehow able to see it as a thing to get better at, whereas I couldn’t give a shit about getting better at exercise. UNTIL NOW.

Karate has made me naturally a bit fitter, as I discovered last week when, it being a bit cold, I decided to jog on the way to class. I started… and then realised I could keep going, and jogged all the way there. Google maps tells me that’s 1.4km. Now, some people may not be very impressed with that distance but it was pretty amazing for me, particularly because I wasn’t that tired at the end and then did a 1 hour karate class. BAM.

So, for this week, I did up an exercise plan:

This is a frightening look into how organised I can be sometimes. I mean it’s colour-coded for crying out loud. Was that necessary? No, no it was not. For reference, the grey just means when I was at work or otherwise engaged.

Now, every time it says “flexibility”, I want you to imagine it says “have a little nap” – because that’s what I did. I just couldn’t bring myself to be exercising every day AND get up early and stretch. This is a blog, not a lifestyle choice, jeezus. Also, you should know that I ended up working for my second job on Thursday and Friday, and therefore couldn’t bring myself to do anything on Thursday (I did manage to jog on Friday though, success). This means I didn’t quite finish the challenge, because I skipped a day. But quite frankly, if anyone wants to fight me on this, I know karate now. The challenge is done ok? It’s done *flexes bicep*.

Let me take you through some of the things I did, because I know you’re dying to know.

Yoga

I’ve never done yoga before, and this week I did it thrice. It’s been a really interesting experience. You’d think it wouldn’t do much, given that it’s all breathing and poses, but it’s really very energising, and certainly helping my flexibility and core strength. Plus, I love breathing, don’t knock it. I found it quite difficult to get past what I have dubbed the “third eye” stuff. There’s a lot of phrases like “open through the heart” and “breathe into yourself, cleansing your organs naturally”, which I have to restrain myself from snorting at - really disturbing my calm demeanor. Ultimately though, it’s an exercise practice based in spirituality, I always knew that, and I had to get over myself a bit to properly enjoy it. Besides, karate is spiritual too – it’s just that we get to hit each other in between mediations.

I have a favourite yoga pose. It’s called the pigeon. Thankfully, it looks nothing like a pigeon, which is one of the reasons I love it.

Karate

Fuck, I love karate. I’ve been doing it since February and am stronger, fitter, healthier and more confident for it. I also know how to get out of most holds a rapist would try on me, which is useful. Sometimes, when I’m wearing my steel-capped boots, and I’m walking through the valley, I almost want someone to try something, so that I can get out of their hold, kick them with my steel-caps and then run like hell with my new found running ability.*

Running

Segue! Ok, it’s jogging not running. But still, this is genuinely something I have never been good at and am very, very surprised to find myself doing. I went for two jogs this week, one with mates and one alone, and both were quite successful. I have now gone out and bought proper shoes and clothes though, because I didn’t really own anything appropriate and went for a jog wearing my “Property of the Half-Blood Prince” shirt, awkward/awesome.

Core Strength

This is basically just pushups, situps and other general ab muscle death. I did this once with my friends after our jog and made up for skipping it on Thursday by being forced to do it by a Japanese-shouting Venezuelan woman (my karate sensei… she’s amazing)

So that’s it, bloggeroos; my week of exercising. I was about to say “and I’m never doing it again!” but I’m actually going to for a jog tonight with some peeps from karate and I’m planning to go to yoga tomorrow morning, so there goes that. Seriously, who am I?

Also, the big news? I’m registered for the Bridge to Brisbane, which is now challenge number 27, and will also cover challenge 19 – raise money for charity. More on those later. But for real, I am going to run 10km in September, you watch.

*Dear mum, I don’t really want that. I might die, I know.

33 Week Challenge Week 6: Failblog

Challenge no. 21: Write a page of news-relevant/topical jokes

Prime Minister Gillard met with New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key today, pledging to further strengthen ties with our Trans-Tasman allies. Gillard promised to continue pumping good, Aussie dollars into New Zealand’s tourism industry, in return for 5 more Lord of the Rings films, a pet kiwi for the lodge and a key ring that looks like a sheep.

Mr. Key said that Australia and New Zealand are like ‘family’, which is true - Australia is like a fat, rich, obnoxious aunt who keeps pinching New Zealand’s cheeks and forgetting its name.

Convicted murderer Judy Moran is in trouble after running over a fellow inmate with her wheelchair. This seems to me to be joke in itself, but here’s another:

My inability to complete this week’s challenge. Lol. Haha. Funny.

Yes, that’s right bloggeroos (my new name for you, I like it) – it is now 9:30pm on Monday and I have tried all week to write a page of news-related/topical jokes, and I have failed. However, that doesn’t mean I have to fail at blogging every week in June, I will still succeed at that one. I promise you (maybe).

So, my biggest problem with this week’s challenge is that I haven’t really been that interested in the news lately. I know, for some people this is a mortal sin, and for others it’s completely normal, but I do usually read abc news every day, and have some sort of knowledge of what’s going on in the world around me, but not so much at the moment.

My other big problem is that, when stuck, I decided to watch Paul McDermott’s GNW monologues on youtube for inspiration. All that made me do was go into a spiral of McDermott watching, and self loathing at not being vey good at what the GNW writers are great at. I spent considerable hours this week doing those things and not writing jokes.

My third problem (oh yes, this is just a list of problems. I failed the challenge, did you expect anything less?) was that I kept imagining what this blog would be like when I had finished my brilliant, brilliant jokes. I essentially started writing my triumph before I’d even gotten started. I even, sadly, imagined how I might tweet it to comedians for feedback. And how they would say nice things about me. Yes, it got that bad.

I really did think that the closer I pushed it to the deadline, the more the creative juices would suddenly flow, even though that’s never been the way I have worked well. I was hoping that some sort of brilliance would push its way out of my brain and onto the page before the deadline. It did not.  I hope you are not disappointed in me, bloggeroos, I guess I will defend myself by saying that the whole point is that I might not complete these challenges, and the two rather feeble attempts at jokes above at least count as starting; at giving it a go. I will try again at a later date to finish this challenge.

Meanwhile, my herbs have both bugs and rodents, and are now completely nommed to death. I am going to build some sort of contraption to keep the bigger pests out, and possibly install some poison-tipped spikes. Seriously, those are my herb babies, who do these possums think they are?

Also, I think the secret, biggest reason I didn’t complete the task this week is that my Doctor Who obsession continues without any sign of ceasing. As I write, I am currently half way through the third season and closing.

 Yes, I do always wear this hoodie - what of it?

33 Week Challenge Week 5: Sunrise over Sea

Challenge no. 15 – Watch a sunrise from Mt. Coot-tha

Well, I’ve seen a few sunrises in my time, but mostly from the wrong end. That is to say, in my youth* (for I am aged and nostalgic now) I stayed up late enough at parties to “shinerun” as some people I knew called it, to celebrate the end of a party with the sunrise. Most of the time, however, we were too drunk or too tired to actually watch the sunrise, and it was more sort of: “ok, the sunlight’s on the street, NOW can I go to bed?” I did once shinerun and watch a sunrise on a New Year’s morning once. That was pretty good.

*actually, I did this last weekend.

Again, in my youth, I worked in a Donut King and later at a coffee shop. Shifts started at 6am so depending on the time of year I may have seen a few sunrises, but a lot of the time I was in the shop before it happened, or on a train, and usually, still asleep anyway.

This Saturday just gone was the first time in my life I got up specifically to watch a sunrise. Now, in my more comfortable years, I have a job that starts at a normal time and a desire to sleep in as much as possible – it really has never occurred to me to *want* to get up for such a thing. I mean, how good can it really be? I’ve seen the sun. It’s all orange and glowy, how good can it really look when it comes up. And that’s the thing, it’s not really an event, we living in these modern times know it isn’t “coming up”, it’s not the gods deciding to let us live for another day by bringing the sun out of the underworld, it’s not a new sun each time. In fact, it’s not even going around us, we’re going around it, and we couldn’t see it earlier because we were facing the other way in our daily rotation. It’s the same sun as yesterday, as every day, it’s the same sun that’s currently weakly shining behind a bunch of clouds and doing nothing to warm my freezing house. Saturday morning wasn’t special, it was just another orbit, another rotation, in a cycle that’s been going on for billions of years. 6:35am was just the time that the sun shone on Brisbane again.

Can you tell I’m an atheist?

Look, the point I think you know I’m trying to make here is that it was still beautiful anyway. That’s what I love about not believing in stuff. I find the very nature of our orbit and our rotation and the sun itself beautiful. I don’t find it beautiful because god made it so; I find it beautiful because it is.

You know what was not beautiful? My face at 5:30am… which is when I woke up. Somehow, even though I knew I was getting up to see a sunrise, my body still couldn’t compute why it was so dark and why I was making it get out of it’s warm blankets, and then, much to it’s horror, outside to get my hoodie off the line. Before 7am my body and brain are two separate entities. This produces what I like to call my ‘zombie face’. It’s a sort of dry, yet drooling face, with whispy hair and a droopy eye. It’s the kind of face that makes my loving and long-term boyfriend say things like “for a pretty girl you really can be really very ugly sometimes”. Boyfriend has seen this face a few times. One time we had a flight to New Zealand that we had to get up at 5:30 for. When he tried to gently wake me, I punched him in the nose. The face had taken over.

This is a photo of me at 5:45 in the morning, I appear to have hidden most of the zombie face by raising my eyebrows and trying really hard, but I can see that it is still there, waiting to scare small children.

So I drank a tea in the dark, donned as much warm clothing as physically possible, and tried to wash the zombie away. Chris, my sunrise companion arrived and drove us to Mt. Coot-tha for my first, deliberate sunrise watching experience.

And yeah, it was beautiful. For those who know the geography, despite Coot-tha being a fairly poor excuse for a ‘Mt.’ we could see all the way out to Moreton Island and the ocean beyond. The sun came up there, and despite (or perhaps due to) the thick cloud cover, we saw massive beams of sunlight hitting the long white dunes out there. It looked a lot, as Connor, another sunrise buddy said, like Jesus was walking on the water out there. Unfortunately, he chose the wrong side of Moreton Island to stage his second coming, so no one will ever know. There was a mist over Ipswich and out to the Dividing Range that slowly lifted as we watched and a reflection of the sun’s light on clouds out to the West. It was genuinely, well worth the effort of getting up and subjecting others to the zomb.

Here are some photos I took on my phone:

And here are some actually good ones Chris took:

 this one is amazing

Connor and I looking at the thing

wow, right?

Good Morning!

An amazing added bonus was that I then had a whole day in front of me. We ate breakfast at the café at 7:30am and I was home by 8. I was so very awake for my karate class at 10 and by midday decided I would use the time to watch the entire Eccleston season of Doctor Who.

Which, I think, leads me into a couple of quick updates about some other challenges I have recently started.

Becoming a Doctor Who fan is coming along nicely. Ok, I’m fanatical to the point of being dangerous to myself. Since my last blog post I have watched the entire 5^th season. Here is my reaction to the final episode:

Episode 13: The Big Bang

Tiny Amy – hello!

If there’s no stars, is there a sun?

Time travel is fun!

Seriously, fuck off Dalek.

Ooooh, Sun explained. Thank you.

“It’s a fez, I wear a fez now.”

Ooooooooooooohhh

*cough* the bride’s gone crazy

Doctor in tails!!

I think that was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

After this, I fought with myself about going on to the 6^th, made the decision to instead go back to the start, watched the whole first and half of the second seasons. At this point, I sort of don’t want to do anything else and am wondering if there is some way to get paid for watching Doctor Who. I had to use significant will power to write this post instead of continue watching. I’m not too worried though, this sort of obsession is normal in me, the need to watch it at all the time will fade, as it did with videos of Neil Patrick Harris, Paul McDermott, The Doug Anthony All Stars and Harry Potter (the books, don’t worry). I’m still a massive fan of all those things, I just need to O.D. for a while and then it will become a part of me, like those things did.

Yes, I know.

Growing and looking after a herb garden nearly fell apart when I discovered that something had eaten all the tops off my seedlings. Seriously, the looking after part is so much more difficult than the planting them part. Like children, really. I put off dealing with this for a few days and then went to the hardware store. I wasn’t sure if it was bugs or possums/rodents but it seemed easier to try killing bugs first, so I got bug spray. Spraying this on my herbs led to the surprising discovery that there were a bunch of, now rather unhappy, bugs hiding in the dirt. The herbs are doing ok, but I keep forgetting to water them so we’ll see how they go.

Writing a blog every Monday for the NYWM is going fine; this is the second of four that I need to do in June, so half way there! I feel sometimes as though I’m cheating, as some people are doing things like writing 1000 words a day or finishing their novels. But at the end of the day, I actually love writing this blog, and this challenge thing has been really excellent for me. Making the commitment to NYWM has helped me stay on track and the Monday deadline makes me feel like I’m a real writer who has to produce material every week…. Even if it is about my zombie face and the earth’s rotation around the sun. I hope you’re enjoying it too.

Stay classy, bloggeroos, stay classy.

33 Week Challenge Week 4: Doctor Who

Challenge no. 20 Become a Doctor Who fan – I was going to edit this post and make it a bit more rounded out, but I’ve decided I love it just the way it is, nawww.

The intrepid journey of a (potential) brand new Doctor Who fan…

I thought that the best way to document my foray into the world of Doctor Who is to keep a word document open as I watch and just jot down anything that comes to mind. So here goes. What follows is the account of a Doctor Who virgin throwing herself into season 5 and all that Matt Smith can offer her.

Episode 1: The Eleventh Hour

Isn’t that a title usually reserved for the end of things? I feel like that’s probably important.

Ok, Doctor falls from sky into child’s yard. This kid is unusually brave – I was convinced there were scary things in my backyard all the time when I was her age. If a man in a police box landed there and started raving about apples and vomiting up magic dust I would be cowering behind my mum, not inviting him inside. Lucky her, I wish I was brave.

Great. She doesn’t have a mum. I’m a terrible human.

Hahahahaha – the Doctor just voiced my concerns.

….

Wow I got enthralled so intensely I forgot to write stuff down for 40 minutes.

Notes: Amy is hot. Also I totally knew she was a fake cop.

Oooo wedding dress – predictable but also dun dun dunnnn

That was amazing.

Episode 2: The Beast Below

This show is the master of catchy opening scenes

*I* want to fly in space with the Doctor holding my ankles…

Surely the monarchy wouldn’t last this long?

The Tower of London? Nice.

I want a starwhale! How can this show make me want so many not real things?

Episode 3: Victory to the Daleks

DALEKS! They’re somehow adorable

Churchill and The Doctor, comrades in bowties

I take it back; Daleks are the most irritating ever.

Amy is left alone with Winston Churchill – now if that isn’t interesting conversation, nothing is.

Doctor threatens daleks with a jamdrop… that is a man I can respect. More problems should be solved with jamdrops.

The Daleks use words like paradigm and continuum – it’s like there are year 12 English teachers trapped inside those metallic bodies somewhere. “Marginalise. Foreground. Discourse. Exterminate.”

Don’t think I haven’t noticed the reoccurring crack in… Space? Time? Spacetime?

Hooked. Should probably eat some dinner, it’s 9pm.

Episode 4: Time of the Angels … I’ve heard about this one, apparently I won’t be able to sleep. Going to risk it.

I’m boiling pasta while watching, who’s this wench? Will she make Amy jealous? Is Amy meant to be jealous? There’s something weird going on there but I’m not sure yet if it’s actual awkward sexual tension.

Everyone speaks English – babel fish?

If I blink it will come out of my mac…

Also, good pasta Lizzy, nice work.

BUT WHAT IF THEY’RE ALL ANGELS?

Guys going off on their own? Yeah… they’re going to die

Yep. Dead.

Fucking picked it! Oh my god I’m never going to sleep.

To be Continued?! But I need to go to bed. Hmmm… maybe one more would be ok… (this is clearly a trap).

Episode 5: Flesh and Stone

Ok, so I went to bed. I rejoin you now, a few days later, to continue my journey in the world of the Doctor…

The crack! The crack is back. Hello there crack!

Seriously, these angels are terrifying. AND they took his jacket. That was a nice jacket.

*I* want a forest in a space ship.

Is the crack following Amy?

Also that was sweet… I hope they love each other some day *squishy face*

Haha the soldier’s name is Marco and they are trying to find things… Polo?

My mum called, I don’t think she understands how important this is.

AHHHHH!!!

Oh, kisses! But weird, not good kisses. Now I feel all sorts of things.