Your guide to being that wanker who has their life sorted or some shit

Everybody stop looking so happy, I'm trying to eat this watermelon in peace

Namaste precious ones and welcome to another vegan-friendly, chakra-aligned, 100% recyclable blog post.

Sorry… I’m so sorry, but I’ve been visiting a lot of websites where that sort of language is abundant lately. WHY have I been frequenting such disturbing places, you ask? Well because I’ve kind of accidentally become one of those people. OK NO NOT EXACTLY. I’m deeply not spiritual, so you’re not about to find me converted, chanting to the sun god under a tree, but I have been trying a few things lately that have made me “that guy.”

I’ve been eating free-range meat and making gluten free bread, I’ve been going to bed early (sometimes) and flossing my teeth daily. I did yoga 12 days out of the last 14 and just today managed to touch my toes like it was no big deal. I’ve been participating in Meat Free Week and am feeling all those benefits vegetarians are always telling you about (like not being bloated and losing fat and generally feeling amazing).

The next step in being that wanker who has their life sorted or some shit is to start converting others to the cause. I haven’t begun my campaign in full yet (I’m thinking leaflets, going door-to-door and a full page ad in the Dalby Herald) but I’ve made a small start. While recently trying to convince my Internet friends of the joy of my gluten free bread, I managed to drop the entire thing on the floor. Turns out dirt improves the taste a little, actually. Would recommend.

As a blogger with literally tens of readers, I feel the only right thing to do is to use my platform and influence to convert as many of you as possible to my new, wanky way of being. So here are my tips:

Find a yoga video online. There are exactly one bajillion on youtube and some of them are actually really good. What’s the number one excuse for not doing healthy/fitness/stretchy things? Time and money. OK that’s two reasons. But they tie for first place or something. You can cut out travel time by doing it on your lounge room floor, and given that I *know* you’re already paying for an internet connection, it’s not going to cost you anything. I would recommend Sean Vigue… his videos are kind of hilarious and also good.

Follow the #smoothieclub hashtag on instagram. It’s a club my friends and I accidentally started. To be in the club make a smoothie and then take a wanky photo of it. Tag it appropriately. YOU’RE DOING GREAT.

Floss your goddamn teeth; it’s not even that hard. I have no idea why I haven’t done it before now.

Do Meat Free Monday, or choose a day of the week not to eat meat on. I made a vegetable lasagne the other day and blew my own mind with deliciousness.

Go for walks, learn a new skill, get a hobby. I’m knitting a scarf for no reason at the moment, what are YOU doing with your life?

Grow vegetables in increasingly bizarre places, like under the sink and in the gap between your washing machine and the tub.

This bread. Holy shit you guys, eat this bread.

Go to bed. What are you doing up? Sheesh, seriously.

Finally, and most importantly, be sure to document every single one of these activities in brilliant sepia tones on instagram, twitter, and google plus (I’m assuming you deleted facebook because it was too commercial for you). Better yet, write a blog about it, you wanker.

33 Week Challenge Week 7: Exercise every day for a week

 Oh my god, how boring are exercise freaks? It’s all “look how many kilos I lost” and “honestly, once you start you’ll love it” and “the first 5kms are the hardest, but then you don’t even notice you’ve cycled 50!” Urgh, right? I’m *sure* they’re not trying to rub it in, but it feels as though they know I don’t own a pair of joggers, and are judging me for the block of chocolate I ate yesterday.

So, uh, given all of this…. This blog is about to get mighty awkward. Because guess what? I’m an exercise freak. I did eat a block of chocolate yesterday, but I also bought a pair of joggers. Why? Because I started to get sore shins during the 2KM JOG I WENT FOR ON FRIDAY. That’s right humans, this week’s challenge was no. 26 - Exercise Every Day for a Week.

I’m going to do my darndest to make sure that this blog isn’t any of the things I just listed. And I guess the only way I can do that is to try and make it clear to you that 6 months ago, I would 1. Never have been able to do what I did this week, 2. Never have wanted to do what I did this week and 3. Never have even considered doing what I did this week. Seriously. Go back and read this blog that I wrote when I made the decision to start karate. I still have no idea why I made that decision, because I have always been unfit and, most importantly, uninterested in getting fit. The point is though, I did, and it was a great choice. Because unlike going to the gym, or running or cycling, karate is a skill I wouldn’t usually use (ultimately, jogging is just putting one foot in front of the other) and therefore I am somehow able to see it as a thing to get better at, whereas I couldn’t give a shit about getting better at exercise. UNTIL NOW.

Karate has made me naturally a bit fitter, as I discovered last week when, it being a bit cold, I decided to jog on the way to class. I started… and then realised I could keep going, and jogged all the way there. Google maps tells me that’s 1.4km. Now, some people may not be very impressed with that distance but it was pretty amazing for me, particularly because I wasn’t that tired at the end and then did a 1 hour karate class. BAM.

So, for this week, I did up an exercise plan:

This is a frightening look into how organised I can be sometimes. I mean it’s colour-coded for crying out loud. Was that necessary? No, no it was not. For reference, the grey just means when I was at work or otherwise engaged.

Now, every time it says “flexibility”, I want you to imagine it says “have a little nap” – because that’s what I did. I just couldn’t bring myself to be exercising every day AND get up early and stretch. This is a blog, not a lifestyle choice, jeezus. Also, you should know that I ended up working for my second job on Thursday and Friday, and therefore couldn’t bring myself to do anything on Thursday (I did manage to jog on Friday though, success). This means I didn’t quite finish the challenge, because I skipped a day. But quite frankly, if anyone wants to fight me on this, I know karate now. The challenge is done ok? It’s done *flexes bicep*.

Let me take you through some of the things I did, because I know you’re dying to know.

Yoga

I’ve never done yoga before, and this week I did it thrice. It’s been a really interesting experience. You’d think it wouldn’t do much, given that it’s all breathing and poses, but it’s really very energising, and certainly helping my flexibility and core strength. Plus, I love breathing, don’t knock it. I found it quite difficult to get past what I have dubbed the “third eye” stuff. There’s a lot of phrases like “open through the heart” and “breathe into yourself, cleansing your organs naturally”, which I have to restrain myself from snorting at - really disturbing my calm demeanor. Ultimately though, it’s an exercise practice based in spirituality, I always knew that, and I had to get over myself a bit to properly enjoy it. Besides, karate is spiritual too – it’s just that we get to hit each other in between mediations.

I have a favourite yoga pose. It’s called the pigeon. Thankfully, it looks nothing like a pigeon, which is one of the reasons I love it.

Karate

Fuck, I love karate. I’ve been doing it since February and am stronger, fitter, healthier and more confident for it. I also know how to get out of most holds a rapist would try on me, which is useful. Sometimes, when I’m wearing my steel-capped boots, and I’m walking through the valley, I almost want someone to try something, so that I can get out of their hold, kick them with my steel-caps and then run like hell with my new found running ability.*

Running

Segue! Ok, it’s jogging not running. But still, this is genuinely something I have never been good at and am very, very surprised to find myself doing. I went for two jogs this week, one with mates and one alone, and both were quite successful. I have now gone out and bought proper shoes and clothes though, because I didn’t really own anything appropriate and went for a jog wearing my “Property of the Half-Blood Prince” shirt, awkward/awesome.

Core Strength

This is basically just pushups, situps and other general ab muscle death. I did this once with my friends after our jog and made up for skipping it on Thursday by being forced to do it by a Japanese-shouting Venezuelan woman (my karate sensei… she’s amazing)

So that’s it, bloggeroos; my week of exercising. I was about to say “and I’m never doing it again!” but I’m actually going to for a jog tonight with some peeps from karate and I’m planning to go to yoga tomorrow morning, so there goes that. Seriously, who am I?

Also, the big news? I’m registered for the Bridge to Brisbane, which is now challenge number 27, and will also cover challenge 19 – raise money for charity. More on those later. But for real, I am going to run 10km in September, you watch.

*Dear mum, I don’t really want that. I might die, I know.