Your guide to being that wanker who has their life sorted or some shit

Everybody stop looking so happy, I'm trying to eat this watermelon in peace

Namaste precious ones and welcome to another vegan-friendly, chakra-aligned, 100% recyclable blog post.

Sorry… I’m so sorry, but I’ve been visiting a lot of websites where that sort of language is abundant lately. WHY have I been frequenting such disturbing places, you ask? Well because I’ve kind of accidentally become one of those people. OK NO NOT EXACTLY. I’m deeply not spiritual, so you’re not about to find me converted, chanting to the sun god under a tree, but I have been trying a few things lately that have made me “that guy.”

I’ve been eating free-range meat and making gluten free bread, I’ve been going to bed early (sometimes) and flossing my teeth daily. I did yoga 12 days out of the last 14 and just today managed to touch my toes like it was no big deal. I’ve been participating in Meat Free Week and am feeling all those benefits vegetarians are always telling you about (like not being bloated and losing fat and generally feeling amazing).

The next step in being that wanker who has their life sorted or some shit is to start converting others to the cause. I haven’t begun my campaign in full yet (I’m thinking leaflets, going door-to-door and a full page ad in the Dalby Herald) but I’ve made a small start. While recently trying to convince my Internet friends of the joy of my gluten free bread, I managed to drop the entire thing on the floor. Turns out dirt improves the taste a little, actually. Would recommend.

As a blogger with literally tens of readers, I feel the only right thing to do is to use my platform and influence to convert as many of you as possible to my new, wanky way of being. So here are my tips:

Find a yoga video online. There are exactly one bajillion on youtube and some of them are actually really good. What’s the number one excuse for not doing healthy/fitness/stretchy things? Time and money. OK that’s two reasons. But they tie for first place or something. You can cut out travel time by doing it on your lounge room floor, and given that I *know* you’re already paying for an internet connection, it’s not going to cost you anything. I would recommend Sean Vigue… his videos are kind of hilarious and also good.

Follow the #smoothieclub hashtag on instagram. It’s a club my friends and I accidentally started. To be in the club make a smoothie and then take a wanky photo of it. Tag it appropriately. YOU’RE DOING GREAT.

Floss your goddamn teeth; it’s not even that hard. I have no idea why I haven’t done it before now.

Do Meat Free Monday, or choose a day of the week not to eat meat on. I made a vegetable lasagne the other day and blew my own mind with deliciousness.

Go for walks, learn a new skill, get a hobby. I’m knitting a scarf for no reason at the moment, what are YOU doing with your life?

Grow vegetables in increasingly bizarre places, like under the sink and in the gap between your washing machine and the tub.

This bread. Holy shit you guys, eat this bread.

Go to bed. What are you doing up? Sheesh, seriously.

Finally, and most importantly, be sure to document every single one of these activities in brilliant sepia tones on instagram, twitter, and google plus (I’m assuming you deleted facebook because it was too commercial for you). Better yet, write a blog about it, you wanker.