Top Ten Weirdest/ Best Facebook ads.

Facebook ads. We all know 'em, we all get 'em, we all ignore 'em... except no I actually take screenshots of 'em and collect 'em like a weird hermit collects rusty nails. I post them on Facebook, keep them in a folder with the screenshots of those times minor celebrities tweeted at me, and now, post them in blog form for all the world to see.

So now I present to you: my top ten weirdest/ funniest Facebook ads for your enjoyment/ mutual disgust.


Number 10 - A phone company that just wants to see you fly.

...people who just really should be flung from catapults. 

I don't know what Samsung was getting at here, and frankly I don't want to know. Are they intending to launch people into space? Will the people be consenting to this? How will this help my phone plan?


Number 9 - Just some Guy.

This is just one of those fortuitous alignments. The kind of thing that happens once every 26 years when the moon is full and a field mouse is seen to converse with a crow. Guy Sebastian deserves better than this, he does, but this is still beautiful.


Number 8 - Slimmer, Smaller, Sharper, Better.

The person in this image has a genuine goitre problem they need to get checked out.

Ah yes, "ugly neck syndrome" - a blight upon humanity. This advertisement is concerning on a number of levels, not least of which are the obvious problems the writer has with the English language. But aside from that, this ad epitomises all that is wrong with the beauty industry. You are ugly, you are so very ugly, YOU ARE UGLY IN WAYS YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE UGLY. Buy our product. 

Number 7 - the product is snails.

The snails just sit on your shelf and judge your blemishes.

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK, FACEBOOK SIDEBAR? Snail street dot com are you real life? Are you genuinely going to mail me snails and NOT use a snail mail pun? I am frankly disgusted with you. 

Number 6 - Exterminate.

Just a small, monthly donation to our benevolent overlord.

 Anything that claims to "destroy" any part of you is bad news. Even if that part of you is unwanted fat. I'm no health expert, but I can tell you that 1. you really should exercise, like all people should do that, it's good for you, 2. this diet will not include delicious eggs on toast, and 3. you should not be destroying your body with weird products you find on Facebook.


Number 5 - Jennifer Anniston is a wizard.

magic!

That's right, folks, Jen used these two diet tips, without dieting! Jennifer Anniston exists on another plane of existence where you can diet without dieting, eat without eating and be involved in shonky ad campaigns without consenting!

Number 4 - Weep your way through a degree.

Please don't make me.

You know that feeling you get when you're approaching the midway point through your assessments at uni and you honestly feel like you don't know how you're going to get through them all? One time I lay on a futon with a cushion on my head for three hours and had a silent panic attack about how much work I had to do. So I totally understand the way the girl in this image is feeling right now. What I don't understand is why OUA thought this was a good image to get people to enrol in their psychology course. Now I know what you're about to say, "no, no, Lizzy, the girl is representative of the kinds of people I can help once I've graduated from OUA!" To that I say, only if you make it through that feeling you get midway through your exams, chump. 

Number 3 - blessings upon you my child.

Ok this is totally cheating, because this isn't a Facebook ad. It's from some other website of dubious legality which we won't mention here, but I just had to include it in the list. The Internet has blessed you? Ok, I know in the past I've said that the internet is a religion, but this is too much, this is too far. Thank you lord internet for the gift of this $97/hour job. Thank you for this baby (which I assume was thrown in as a perk). ALSO at $97 an hour... why are you only earning $13, 750? per what? per annum? What do you have to do? Does it involve the baby? I am going to stop asking questions because that kid is staring at me and I'm afraid it's about to start answering me. 

Number 2 - Hashtag body shaming

Exactly like kissing, thanks for asking. 

Uuuuurrrrghhhhh there is so much wrong here. First up: facial hair is super fashionable at the moment, Gilette, you appear to have missed a memo. Second up, get fucked with your body shaming tactics. Maybe it stands out so much because this stuff is usually aimed at women, not men (and that's a whole other blog post) but some dudes are hairy, one dude who I happen to like a lot is a stubbly bastard, actually, but he'll still buy your fucking razors because he likes to shave his face hair into this chin strap thing that really suits him so you don't actually NEED to make people feel bad to buy your product, ok? Finally, DON'T FUCKING ADVERTISE TO ME. I *hate* this new thing where companies are like "ladies, how gross are our men, right? Let's CLEAN THEM!" Implying that men are incapable of looking after themselves AND that women are the ones who do the shopping. Gross, gross, gross, everybody shut up.

Number 1 - Cut a Bitch.

You bitches on the left don't matter, is what I'm saying.

And here we have it, the funniest ad I've ever seen on Facebook. When I first saw it, a small chuckle began deep within me. It rose up, and as I read and re-read the words, it exploded out of me, as I stared into the soulless eyes of the teenagers involved, it shook my whole body until tears came from mine. Because what is it really saying? 

Can't stand someone? Know some bitches who just really need to be taken down a peg? Let them know forever by immortalising on a phone case that time you cut them out of a photo! Use your phone case to cover them in the original photo! Take another photo of them with your newly dressed phone! Let them stare into the eyes of your true friends now stuck forever on the back of your phone. Imply with a look that yes, they'll be cut from this photo too. From all photos. Forever.

Seen some weird ads? Please share them with me on Facebook! Let us use the problematic website in question to share images for our own enjoyment. It seems only right. P.S. Sorry I skipped a week, I was lazy. xx 

Your guide to being that wanker who has their life sorted or some shit

Everybody stop looking so happy, I'm trying to eat this watermelon in peace

Namaste precious ones and welcome to another vegan-friendly, chakra-aligned, 100% recyclable blog post.

Sorry… I’m so sorry, but I’ve been visiting a lot of websites where that sort of language is abundant lately. WHY have I been frequenting such disturbing places, you ask? Well because I’ve kind of accidentally become one of those people. OK NO NOT EXACTLY. I’m deeply not spiritual, so you’re not about to find me converted, chanting to the sun god under a tree, but I have been trying a few things lately that have made me “that guy.”

I’ve been eating free-range meat and making gluten free bread, I’ve been going to bed early (sometimes) and flossing my teeth daily. I did yoga 12 days out of the last 14 and just today managed to touch my toes like it was no big deal. I’ve been participating in Meat Free Week and am feeling all those benefits vegetarians are always telling you about (like not being bloated and losing fat and generally feeling amazing).

The next step in being that wanker who has their life sorted or some shit is to start converting others to the cause. I haven’t begun my campaign in full yet (I’m thinking leaflets, going door-to-door and a full page ad in the Dalby Herald) but I’ve made a small start. While recently trying to convince my Internet friends of the joy of my gluten free bread, I managed to drop the entire thing on the floor. Turns out dirt improves the taste a little, actually. Would recommend.

As a blogger with literally tens of readers, I feel the only right thing to do is to use my platform and influence to convert as many of you as possible to my new, wanky way of being. So here are my tips:

Find a yoga video online. There are exactly one bajillion on youtube and some of them are actually really good. What’s the number one excuse for not doing healthy/fitness/stretchy things? Time and money. OK that’s two reasons. But they tie for first place or something. You can cut out travel time by doing it on your lounge room floor, and given that I *know* you’re already paying for an internet connection, it’s not going to cost you anything. I would recommend Sean Vigue… his videos are kind of hilarious and also good.

Follow the #smoothieclub hashtag on instagram. It’s a club my friends and I accidentally started. To be in the club make a smoothie and then take a wanky photo of it. Tag it appropriately. YOU’RE DOING GREAT.

Floss your goddamn teeth; it’s not even that hard. I have no idea why I haven’t done it before now.

Do Meat Free Monday, or choose a day of the week not to eat meat on. I made a vegetable lasagne the other day and blew my own mind with deliciousness.

Go for walks, learn a new skill, get a hobby. I’m knitting a scarf for no reason at the moment, what are YOU doing with your life?

Grow vegetables in increasingly bizarre places, like under the sink and in the gap between your washing machine and the tub.

This bread. Holy shit you guys, eat this bread.

Go to bed. What are you doing up? Sheesh, seriously.

Finally, and most importantly, be sure to document every single one of these activities in brilliant sepia tones on instagram, twitter, and google plus (I’m assuming you deleted facebook because it was too commercial for you). Better yet, write a blog about it, you wanker.