If you read my facebook feed, it’s clear
that no one voted for the Coalition.
And yet here we are.
So, we must ask ourselves, if none of the
diverse and interesting people I connect with on the internet voted for the
LNP, who did? And more importantly, what were their reasons? I therefore
present to you, 20 legitimate reasons why someone might have voted for Tony
Abbott and his crew.
1.
They thought “LNP” stood for
Loud Newts Party, and are now expecting some raucous lizards to be taking
office.
2.
They completely misunderstood
the voting process, and put an “I” not a “1” next to an LNP candidate. The “I”,
in their mind, denoted the biggest Idiot on the ballot.
3.
They thought “the boats” was
slang for really annoying hold music.
4.
They thought the Labo(u)r Party
was founded on the idea that all people should be in childbirth all of the
time.
5.
They thought the Greens are
only for people who are literally green.
6.
They though PUP was an actual
dog, and then, for some reason thought a person would be better at governing
than an animal (wrong).
8.
They ate the pencil while
voting, and the graphite they subsequently coughed up accidentally formed a
perfect 1 in the LNP box.
9.
Having been raised in the bush
by wild pigs, they are afraid of literally all things, but especially women,
who smell funny, and brown people, who look slightly different to other people.
10. They were hypnotised by a stage hypnotist once, to respond to their
trigger phrase, “jobs and cuts” by writing a 1 next to LNP candidates. It was
an extremely specific hypnotism show in the late 70s and it was art man, ART.
11. Having been in a coma for the last 7 years, they woke up on Election
Day, saw Kevin Rudd’s face on TV and immediately assumed he was the man who put
them in a coma all those years ago.
12. Having been in a coma for the last 60 years, they woke up on
Election Day and relied on their convictions and values to guide them when
voting.
13. They donkey voted. By that I mean they are an actual donkey with no
understand of federal politics. Who let that donkey in here? Is that even
allowed?
 |
| "hahaha voting!" |
14. They think the PNG solution is a policy whereby we’ll all be given a
free holiday to Papua New Guinea every year, I hear it’s lovely there… if you’re
a tourist.
15. They consume only Murdoch run newspapers. Literally. I mean that
they eat them, imbuing themselves with the power of the media and also its
one-sided views.
16. They think the Australian economy is in dire straights for some
reason.
17. They really hate reasonable class sizes, and want their children to
have to hang from the ceiling in a 50-student class. That’s character building,
that is.
18. They are one of Rupert Murdoch’s many robots, sent to do his bidding
(his bidding is voting LNP, in case that wasn’t clear).
19. In a stunning display of their own ignorance, they thought to do
otherwise would be to throw away their vote.
20. They are this lady:
