14 Reasons to Hate February 14th

Fig. 1. The "Blood Red Bear" from Ancient Valentine's Mythology. It takes your heart and then eats all your chocolates. 

Valentine’s Day is a crock of shit and you know it.

“You’re not allowed to say that, Lizzy,” I hear you grumble; “you’ve got a boyfriend. Only single people are allowed to hate Valentine’s Day. Leave us alone and go back to your happiness”. Well to that I say, pffffft. We can unite in our hatred of this “holiday”, ok? Is there anyone in the world who genuinely enjoys Valentine’s Day? In their heart of hearts? (Not sorry). Really? I would like to hear from you. I have a small experiment I would like to perform on you. Right after I take you through this list of 14 reasons no one in the entire world could possibly like Valentine’s Day:

1.     No one wants a goddamn bear that says “I wuv you” when you squeeze it.

2.     No one wants to pay $90 per person to sit in a crowded restaurant in the middle of the week eating a set menu worth about $30 on any other night.

3.     Have you seen Woolworths is selling a ONE KILO BOX OF CHOCOLATES? You could kill someone with a box that big. And this is for a holiday recognised for being about couples. You are buying a box bigger than my torso for ONE PERSON. This aint no family box, this is gift that says, quite clearly “hey fatty fatty, I love you, please have a coronary”.

4.     Single people feel inadequate on a day devoted to couples.

5.     Couples feel obliged to get involved even though it’s a Thursday night and honestly, wouldn’t you much rather stay in and eat tacos?

6.     If one person in a relationship buys a present, and the other is like “why is present? Happy Thursday?” then everyone is going to feel just a little sad.

7.     If one person is expecting a present and the other is like “Hah! Valentine’s Day is for chumps” everyone is going to feel a little sad then too.

8.     No one wants to see your facebook photos of your romantic, candlelit dinner and hot tub session.

9.     Or your hike to a mountain, followed by champagne and a quick proposal.

10. Or your 1kg box of chocolates.

11. St Valentine was just some guy (or possibly two guys) and he didn’t have anything to do with tacky Hallmark cards with pink hearts and flowers on them.

12. In fact he was martyred. And was probably single and alone.

13. That movie tried hard, but Love Actually was 300 times better and got there first so… yeah. Shut up Valentine's Day.

14. One Valentine’s Day, Boyfriend and I decided to go to the Night Owl to get some instant packet mousse because we both really felt like chocolate mousse because um… who doesn’t? I bought the mousse and the milk and then Boyfriend decided we needed whipped cream too. So he went back in and got it and the guy behind the counter with the permanently blood-shot eyes was like “heh. Happy Valentine’s Day” because it looked like he was just buying whipped cream on Valentine’s Day and that was kind of gross.