... well it’s worked for me once, why not try
again?
Overanalysing TV, books, movies etc. is one
of my all-time favourite pastimes. I respect that for some people, this is
classified as “ruining”, but for me it is a true expression of my own enjoyment
of a text. Now, I’m sure you guys will be stunned to hear this, but I’m
currently re-reading the Harry Potter series. I’m about a third of the way
through the Chamber of Secrets and
already my brain is buzzing with some of the big questions. Please keep in mind
that I am analysing from an ‘in-universe’ perspective, that is, I am looking
for answers in the stories as if they are for real, and making assumptions where there are gaps. I am
not suggesting that J.K. Rowling has any flaws whatsoever, because she is a
perfect human being.
Why
are all Slytherins jerks? I mean I’m not sure that
we ever get a fair representation of them, given that we usually see them from
Harry’s perspective, and Harry’s first encounter with Slytherins is Draco, who
sucks at being a human. Harry then sees all things Slytherin though this lens, and
understandably, that house is tainted with a whole lot of bad shit. But there
is no real evidence to suggest this perspective is wrong. Even Slughorn, who is
mostly harmless, is kind of a dick. He’s cowardly, insensitive, prejudiced
against muggleborns in a really dangerously subtle way. And of course there’s
Snape, hero, double agent, eternal sufferer; surely he bucks the trend? No,
he’s still a douche and besides, Dumbledore himself says that Snape’s good
qualities suggest that Hogwarts “sorts too soon”. That is to say, that Snape perhaps
never belonged in Slytherin to begin with.
So I propose one of two answers to this
conundrum. Either 1. Slytheriness is hereditary or ingrained or 2. Sorting
people into Slytherin makes them douches. I’m inclined to go with option 2,
because it seems to me that there can’t be four kinds of people in the
wizarding world, but segregating children, bringing them up with four limited
world views *creates* four kinds
of people. I hope that some time in the future, Hogwarts thinks about reviewing
the sorting process. I know that houses are a big part of their history, and
that tradition is important, but I would suggest that certain dark traits could
be gently discouraged and harmony and cooperation better achieved without this
archaic practise.
Where
the flip does all the food come from? We know that
food is the first of the five principal exceptions to Gamp’s law of Elemental
Transfiguration. Right? You guys all knew that right? Basically, you can’t make
food out of thin air. Other exceptions likely include money or precious stones
and other wealth. This makes sense, if you could conjure that shit up, there’d
be pretty much no need for economy or education or like… anything. If you could
sit around making food and money all day, you’d never leave the house. BUT we
do know that you can summon food from elsewhere if you know where it is: we
know that House Elf magic can teleport food between say, the kitchens and the
Great Hall. You can also make more of it if you’ve got some already. So
presumably, if you had to feed 100 people, you could make a couple of yummy
dishes and then just multiply them, or make them bigger. But this isn’t my
question, my question is, where does that original food come from?
Are there wizard farms? Wizard grocery
stores? Wizard farmers’ markets? Would you become a primary producer if you
could be an auror instead? Would you farm the land if you could be the Knight
Bus inspector? I feel like there are probably speciality food producers, the
kind of people who make magic sweets and chocolate frogs and stuff, but who is
growing the corn? I guess the answer is probably muggles. While most witches
and wizards would not be able to cope with muggle money and muggle shops, there
are probably some who are savvy enough to buy from muggle suppliers and then use Geminio or something and sell it all at
a hefty profit.
I was having this discussion on facebook
and my friend Blake made the rather amusing suggestion that some pure blood
families wouldn’t like this idea, and that there are “muggle-free” ranges that
can be purchased by those not wanting their food tainted by non-magical hands.
I like to think the shop owners would have to be pretty subtle about this, to
avoid being condemned as muggle-haters. I bet the labels say things like “mud
free” and “pure bread”.
Can I go to magic school? I mean, no I
can’t, because I’m 24 and a muggle, but where do Australian witches and wizards
go? Where do all the non-British, non-French, non-criminal wizards go (sorry
Drumstrang, but let’s be real). There’s reference to the Salam Witches
Institute, but that seems to be for grown-up witches in America and Bill had
that Brazilian pen-pal. I just want to knooooow. I bet the Australian school is
somewhere in the outback, and the kids get to it on the magical equivalent of a
Greyhound bus. I think magical and non-magical Indigenous people lived together
in harmony before Europeans came and mucked it all up. The school would be
underground maybe, and Quidditch would be played in the dust and the haze. Mail
would be delivered by Tawny Frog-Mouths and Care of Magical Creature class
would be even more dangerous than at Hogwarts. In short, it would be awesome.
Incidentally, if J.K. ever felt like
releasing An Appraisal of MagicalEducation in Europe like she did with Quidditch
through the Ages and The Tales of
Beedle the Bard I would be all over that shit in a heartbeat.
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| Hey you guys guess where today's blogspiration came from... |
