The One Hundred Acre Wood

Humans, gather around, for I have glad tidings. This blog, this one you’re reading, this post right here is the ONE HUNDREDTH entry on Hum Drum Plum. This is the 100^th time I have posted something on this little blogger site, the 100^th rambling missive from my brain to your eyes. And I am just so excited, so proud, so in love with you for reading even just 1, or 20 or maybe all 100 blogs, that I’ve written you a list of all the things that would not have happened if Hum Drum Plum didn’t exist.

 1.     I wouldn’t have written 100 blogs. Duh.

Ok perhaps I still haven't written 100 blogs - sue me.

2.     Most importantly, I would never have “mastered” the art of paintbrush. Look at that banner up there. Just look at the artistry.

3.     But I guess on another note, there would not be a folder on my computer filled with tens of thousands of words. I have written more for this blog than for anything else. There’re probably enough words in that folder to fill a novel. Oh.

4.     I would not have learnt how to write to a deadline. Or rather, I would not have learnt how to panic about a deadline that has just passed while simultaneously lying on a couch and moaning. This, I believe, is known as “the writers’ repose”. 

5.     I would never have filmed avlog and put it on youtube. The world would be a poorer place. 

6.     I would not know the joy of having a stranger follow you on twitter because they want to read things you say, as opposed to because they want to sell you porn videos. 

7.     My friends would never have had to endure hearing a story they already know, or the uncomfortable conversations that follow. “Yeah… I think you might’ve blogged about this…” is probably one of the more awkward phrases to hear mid-story.

8.     I wouldn’t have a tumblr. Can you imagine the impossibly large number of Sherlock gifs I would have missed out on?

9.     I wouldn’t have gone to TiNA.

10.   Therefore, I probably wouldn’t be friends with a number of really excellent people that I love.

11.    I would be a heaps shitter writer.

12.    I wouldn’t have crippling self doubt.

13.  I wouldn’t have learnt how to just write something in the face of crippling self-doubt, even if it’s a little bit shit.

14.    I wouldn’t feel ok to call myself a writer. 

15.    I would not have submitted to a bunch of places for publication, knowing that the link at the end of my email would lead editors and publishers to a solid body of work, with weaknesses and flaws, but that I felt confident enough in to show to people who write for a living.

16. “Bloggeroos” wouldn’t be a word that I tried to make a thing.

17.  You would never have learnt some of the deep shit I just think about like all the time.

~~~Poetry~~~

18.   I wouldn’t “know how” (read: struggle immensely) to edit a blogger site.  A skill that will surely lead me on to big things in the future.

     19. On that note I would never have discovered the pain of running a small fan page in the unchartered backwaters of the unfashionable end of Facebook.

     20.   And now the obvious stuff, I wouldn’t have…

made a soufflé

sent something off to Post Secret

seen a sunrise

gone rock climbing

learnt how to do a handstand

run the Bridge to Brisbane

… or any of the other stuff that happened during the “challenge” phase of my blog

21. Finally, my life would be just that little bit worse for not having you in it. Whether you’re a long time reader, a lurker, a flagrant facebook sharer or a random spam viewer from Russia, all of you, even the Russians, have given me so much strength, inspiration, laughter and joy. If you’ll forgive the sentimentality a moment, you are the only reason I haven’t thrown the whole thing in about 27 times and the reason I hold myself to a higher and higher standard every week. You’re the best. Thanks for sticking with me for 100 posts of varying degrees of quality. Thanks for reading.

Country/Girl: The Show

One of the reasons I committed to writing this blog weekly (which I’ve been doing for about 10 months, by the way, where is my medal?) was to document for my mostly city-dwelling readers what living in a country town is actually like. I haven’t really done that much lately, mostly because living in a country town is a lot like living anywhere else. Do you guys really want to hear about studying and going to work and paying bills and doing normal stuff? Nope. But I had a decidedly country-town experience this weekend, so I thought I would share it with you.

The Dalby and District Show, I’m sure, is much like many other country town shows. But it’s the only one I’ve been to, and it’s pretty cool, so I’m gonna tell you about it. We went last year, but I had only been in Dalby about a month, and everything was new and baffling and strange. I don’t think I really took much of it in, and it was a cold blustery day and I kind of just wanted to be at home, I think.

This year, though, we knew what we were doing. If you’ve never been to a country show, let me break it down for you. The Dalby show is a wonderful mix of old and new – cattle showing and dressage next to terrifying rides and neon lights. Think a tiny, way better Ekka, rather than a shit version of the Ekka. It’s way better because it costs a lot less, has far fewer gross people in it and is not associated with flu epidemics. It’s also just a generally more enjoyable experience.

My one criticism would be that the people who run it, while probably being great organisers, are not so great at communicating. It was almost impossible to find a schedule either online or in hard copy, and even when we did it was wrong. We deliberately arrived in time for the pet parade (a pet parade, people. A parade of pets. This is not a drill). You have no idea how excited I was for the pet parade, or how devastated I was to learn it had been cancelled.

After learning that my dreams were over, we went exploring. First up was the hall, which was filled with all the prize-winning… everything. Scones, flower arrangements, terrifying cake decorations that look like the bust of a gypsy, fruit, giant vegetables, crochet, photography, art, all the things. I suppose it is probably patronising to say these displays were adorable, and I don’t mean to be offensive, but walking up and down the aisles in that hall was like going back in time. The creations were generally quite impressive, but for me the true highlight were the names. A lot of the competitors are children, and it’s awesome to see them getting involved with tradition and culture, but most of the names were old lady names. Berryls and Beverleys, Mavises and Dots. The best part is finding the same name over and over again. Oh look Beverley took out first prize in the cakes, the crochet AND the flower arrangements. What a bitch. I bet all the Mavises hate her.

Of course at this point we start to see students. Boyfriend is a high school teacher, as you know, which meant choruses of “Hi Mr _____!” “Is that your girlfriend, Mr. _____?” (We were holding hands, he responded with “no!”- hilarious). The show is an excellent opportunity for teenagers to be teenagers. I’m sure living in a country town must seem a bit tough for some of these kids, so having rides and games and sugar and loud noises for a weekend must be the best. It was fun watching so many kids having such an excellent time.

After watching the fashion parade and seeing the sights, I had one thing on my mind. Sheep dog trials. Hoo boy was I excited about sheep dog trials. Unfortunately, I was in a minority. Far from the white picket stadium and jeering crowds of Babe, the Dalby Sheep Dog Trials were attended by a handful of the competitors and a couple of families. Still, it was genuinely one of the most interesting sports I’ve ever witnessed. The old man next to me could tell I was interested and shuffled over to me.

“You know how it works?”

Desperate though I was to say, well I’ve seen “Babe” about 50 times, I settled with, “no, fill me in”.

“You start with 100 points, and then the judges start taking them off for mistakes.”

Knew that, I think, whoever said watching TV and movies would rot my brain did not predict this conversation, obviously. “What kind of things will lose you points?”

“Going outside of the corridors, see them? Marked with the pink things? Yeah, your sheep go out of them you lose points. You miss an obstacle, you lose points. Every time a sheep walks back over ground it’s already covered, you lose points.”

“Tough gig then?”

“You betchya, best sport in the world”.

To be honest I’m inclined to agree with him, it was genuinely fascinating. The sheep were aggressive, stamping their feet and bolting at every opportunity. The dogs were beautifully trained, seeming to hear the thoughts of their trainers as much as anything else. One guy got so close to finishing the course, hand on the gate and everything (Babe viewers know what I mean) and his time ran out. Devastating. At another point, the sheep made a run for freedom and the dog leapt through the air to stop them. Would’ve been a disqualification, had there been any biting, but luckily (especially for the sheep), there wasn’t. Yeah... I know stuff now.

We got some lunch and some lunch dessert, bought some plants and then headed home for a while. We live just around the corner from the show grounds so we could hear the noises and shouts all afternoon. We headed back (no need to pay twice, just flash your ticket, take that Ekka) for dinner and fireworks. The next evening we watched them again, from our back door. I’ve never been one for fireworks, to be honest, but while leaning against Boyfriend, watching bright lights explode in a dark, country sky, I couldn’t help but think, “This is alright, you know? This is alright.”

Why Everyone should be Watching Game of Thrones

Everyone should be watching Game of Thrones: A Year 9-style Persuasive Essay

By Lizzy King

Everyone should be watching Game of Thrones because it is really well made, has seriously good actors and appeals to every kind of viewer. Lots of people already watch Game of Thrones, suggesting that it is pretty good, but if you are not one of those people, this essay aims to persuade you that you should be.

Game of Thrones is really well made. It’s made by HBO, who are really good at all things. If HBO had to perform brain surgery, they could totally do it. They would research brain surgery to excruciating detail, design surgeon costumes more realistic than actual surgeon’s outfits and score it with the most bad-ass music you’ve ever heard. They would also be the best brain surgeon in the world. Game of Thrones is based on a series of books, but rather than following the trend of most book to screen adaptations (the old slap dash, nah the fans won’t notice if we completely change everything technique), HBO does an astonishingly good job of making adaptive changes where necessary (lol George RR Marting almost certainly can’t remember all of his characters or places - seriously those books are DENSE) while still keeping the show true to the books in a really satisfying way. Game of Thrones is the ONLY book to screen adaptation where I am not vehemently in support of reading the books first. The books are good, but if you are a slow reader, or not that great at reading GIANT, DENSE BOOKS with APPENDICES, then seriously just watch the show, it is that good.

Another really excellent thing about Game of Thrones is the casting. First up it has Peter Dinklage in it so don’t even talk to me, that guy is amazing.

Loathed though I am to use a paparazzi shot, this guy makes carrying a baby look bad-ass

 Next it has bad asses like Charles Dance, and Jason Momoa being amazing. 

Regal

This isn't even from Game of Thrones but I googled "Jason Momoa badass" and this showed up so....

They have a lady who is a 6 foot 3 model playing an ugly, sword-wielding hero 

Gwendoline Christie is better than you.

and Natalie Dormer just like politically owning everybody with her brain and her boobs. 

"Booyah! Another win for Margery!"

Most amazing of all, in the first season they cast a whole bunch of children and teenagers in main roles and all of them have grown up to be amazing, attractive, clever, GOOD actors. It is just not possible in any reality I understand for that many child actors to be actually good actors, so obviously they have used some kind of witch-craft.

Perfect humans are perfect.

Thus far I have tried to sell you a show without really telling you what it’s about. Here’s the thing, Game of Thrones has such a broad range of appeal, it’s actually kind of difficult to pinpoint what exactly it is about. But let me at least list a bunch of things that Game of Thrones has in it, to demonstrate that there is not a single person who would not find it in some way appealing. Game of Thrones has sword fighting, battles, strategy, castles, pretty dresses, bizarre hair-dos, dragons, giant wolves that have psychic connections to humans, political intrigue, power play, boobs, bums, penises, sex scenes, flashes of surprise vagina, prostitutes, amazing scenery, comedy, torture, gays, bad asses of all genders, gods, demons, zombies, a giant wall made of ice, wine, beer, history, maps, cool weapons, pirates, sexy horse-riding dudes, sexy cleavage-showing ladies and MUCH MORE.

In conclusion, Game of Thrones is really good. Like, way better than you think it is after watching the first (admittedly pretty confusing) two episodes. Due to its amazing production qualities, brilliant actors and broad range of appeal, it is literally my favourite thing to watch right now, even more than Doctor Who (WOAH I know right, THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS). If you are already watching it, congratulations, you win all the prizes (including the ability to kill your most hated character and guarantee life for your favourite*). If you are not already watching it, I am confident this essay will have persuaded you to go borrow the first season on DVD.

*Disclaimer: this competition is not a thing, EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE**

** Non-viewers should leave their trust at the door, EVERYONE YOU LOVE WILL DIE

Bonus reason you should be watching Game of Thrones: this video.

When I'm Prime Minister

Except where it says "Quimby" read "Lizzy King" and where it says "Mayor" read "benevolent dictator"

Stand up and be counted, it’s time to put your vote in the right place. I know you’re sick of the Labor party’s shambolic mismanagement of itself, and our country, but I know you’re also afraid that this man might one day be in charge of things like fiscal and foreign policy, instead of just how to dress himself and shout a lot.

So I come to you now with a viable alternative, me, obviously, doofus. Sure, I may not have many credentials, but neither does Barnaby Joyce, and he’s the leader of the National Party and also one time ate a hot dog. Wait, stop comparing me to Barnabus, bad example. Look, no, the truth is I don’t have the traditional background for politics, but I do have a lot of policies that I think might interest you.

Firstly, I would make it so that no one was allowed to say “Gen Y” on TV. Yeah, you think Gillard’s proposed media restrictions were strict? I’m also banning the phrase “illegal refugees” and the TV shows Today Tonight, A Current Affair and My Kitchen Rules. Your kitchen does not rule, shush.

I would read the thing we signed some time ago saying how many refugees we would let in to our country, and then… get this… I’d let that many in. Also, I would only imprison people who have committed crimes under Australian law.  As asylum seeking is not illegal, I would house asylum seekers in appropriate housing and we’d all move on. Also, it would cost us all a lot less than imprisoning them. Also, also, they’d be able to contribute to society. Also, also, also it wouldn’t be morally reprehensible. Everyone wins. 

Woah that got heavy, back to the fun stuff. As Prime Minister (or is it President of the Universe?) I will work very hard to make the 4-day working week a glorious reality. The four-day work week is an actual thing and I think we should just try it guys, I’m open to suggestions on which day we take off. Probably people will go for either Friday or Monday, but I am also partial to a mid week nap day.

I would make all the meat free-range meat because this is my soapbox and you’re damn right I’m going to stand on it and say a bunch of stuff.

While we’re up here, obviously, marriage equality would just like, happen, and employers would be held accountable for having racist, sexist or generally bigoted hiring policies. People who start stupid Hashtags on twitter would be banned from the internet for 24 hours.

More money would go to scientific research. Pretty much… are you working to find out how the world can be better (curing diseases, reducing carbon emissions, space exploration etc)? Cool, expect a pay rise.

Meanwhile, we’ll save a heap of money on the whole refugee thing and also with the four-day week thing. And a bunch of other things I haven’t thought about yet, but I’m getting there. I have a head cold, cut me some slack. Head colds will be cured soon hopefully; I am throwing a LOT of money at science.

Education is also going to get a lot better. I don’t know if you realise this, but an educated society is… better? At everything? So more teachers, more schools, better resources. And we’re going to take a good hard look at Finland, and just basically adopt most of what they are doing. NAPLAN can jump in a creek. Education will also have a strong focus on life skills. Single sex schools will have to sort something out, because that is not going to fly anymore. Also, sex education will be compulsory from grade 6 and will involve mostly discussions about consent. Also, kids will learn how to respect one another, crazy right?

I will campaign for universal TV rights. If something gets released in the UK on a Saturday night, you’ll be able to watch it within 24 hours on Australian TV. There will always be legal, viable ways for you to watch and own good TV so you don’t resort to stealing. I’ll have a strong word with TV producers around the world about how frankly, if they want audiences to like them and pay for their shows, maybe they shouldn’t make them wait 6 – 12 months before they can do so. I will also introduce them to tumblr and just say… “You see? This is why.”

Most importantly, I will be your kind and benevolent leader. As time goes on you will realise that I am the best at all things, and you have no real need for anyone else. Elections will pass us by and we’ll think, oh… do we really need those things? And you will decide, no, of course not, who else could possibly lead us? I will love you, you will love me. Membership to the Hum Drum Plum party is 50 cents, and you get a badge. Sign up at https://www.facebook.com/HumDrumPlum