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| Except where it says "Quimby" read "Lizzy King" and where it says "Mayor" read "benevolent dictator" |
Stand up and be counted, it’s time to put
your vote in the right place. I know you’re sick of the Labor party’s shambolic
mismanagement of itself, and our country, but I know you’re also afraid that
this man might one day be in charge of things like fiscal and foreign policy,
instead of just how to dress himself and shout a lot.
So I come to you now with a viable
alternative, me, obviously, doofus. Sure, I may not have many credentials, but
neither does Barnaby Joyce, and he’s the leader of the National Party and also
one time ate a hot dog. Wait, stop comparing me to Barnabus, bad example. Look,
no, the truth is I don’t have the traditional background for politics, but I do
have a lot of policies that I think might interest you.
Firstly, I would make it so that no one was
allowed to say “Gen Y” on TV. Yeah, you think Gillard’s proposed media
restrictions were strict? I’m also banning the phrase “illegal refugees” and
the TV shows Today Tonight, A Current
Affair and My Kitchen Rules. Your
kitchen does not rule, shush.
I would read the thing we signed some time
ago saying how many refugees we would let in to our country, and then… get
this… I’d let that many in. Also, I would only imprison people who have
committed crimes under Australian law.
As asylum seeking is not illegal, I would house asylum seekers in
appropriate housing and we’d all move on. Also, it would cost us all a lot less
than imprisoning them. Also, also, they’d be able to contribute to society.
Also, also, also it wouldn’t be morally reprehensible. Everyone wins.
Woah that got heavy, back to the fun stuff.
As Prime Minister (or is it President of the Universe?) I will work very hard
to make the 4-day working week a glorious reality. The four-day work week is an
actual thing and I think we should just try it guys, I’m open to suggestions on
which day we take off. Probably people will go for either Friday or Monday, but
I am also partial to a mid week nap day.
I would make all the meat free-range meat
because this is my soapbox and you’re damn right I’m going to stand on it and
say a bunch of stuff.
While we’re up here, obviously, marriage
equality would just like, happen, and employers would be held accountable for
having racist, sexist or generally bigoted hiring policies. People who start
stupid Hashtags on twitter would be banned from the internet for 24 hours.
More money would go to scientific research.
Pretty much… are you working to find out how the world can be better (curing
diseases, reducing carbon emissions, space exploration etc)? Cool, expect a pay
rise.
Meanwhile, we’ll save a heap of money on
the whole refugee thing and also with the four-day week thing. And a bunch of
other things I haven’t thought about yet, but I’m getting there. I have a head
cold, cut me some slack. Head colds will be cured soon hopefully; I am throwing
a LOT of money at science.
Education is also going to get a lot
better. I don’t know if you realise this, but an educated society is… better?
At everything? So more teachers, more schools, better resources. And we’re
going to take a good hard look at Finland, and just basically adopt most of
what they are doing. NAPLAN can jump in a creek. Education will also have a
strong focus on life skills. Single sex schools will have to sort something
out, because that is not going to fly anymore. Also, sex education will be
compulsory from grade 6 and will involve mostly discussions about consent.
Also, kids will learn how to respect one another, crazy right?
I will campaign for universal TV rights. If
something gets released in the UK on a Saturday night, you’ll be able to watch
it within 24 hours on Australian TV. There will always be legal, viable ways
for you to watch and own good TV so you don’t resort to stealing. I’ll have a
strong word with TV producers around the world about how frankly, if they want
audiences to like them and pay for their shows, maybe they shouldn’t make them
wait 6 – 12 months before they can do so. I will also introduce them to tumblr
and just say… “You see? This is why.”
Most importantly, I will be your kind and
benevolent leader. As time goes on you will realise that I am the best at all
things, and you have no real need for anyone else. Elections will pass us by
and we’ll think, oh… do we really need those things? And you will decide, no,
of course not, who else could possibly lead us? I will love you, you will love
me. Membership to the Hum Drum Plum party is 50 cents, and you get a badge.
Sign up at https://www.facebook.com/HumDrumPlum
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