So unless you’ve been living in an ice-cave
for the last few weeks, you know Australia has been experiencing the hottest summer
like… ever. Even if you are currently overseas, you’ve heard about it through
constant facebook updates like these:
“just walked outside, worst mistake of my
life”
“Something smells good. I think my
neighbours are cooking something… or it might just be me.”
“Send help”
“omg”
Etc.
Dalby has been having consistently hot
days, usually above 35 degrees, with little to no relief overnight. The water
coming out of our taps is hot, my car is an oven on wheels now, things are just
spontaneously catching fire.
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| like that time the sky was on fire |
The hottest day we’ve had so far reached 41, it
was 37 yesterday. I know, I know, people who live out west are scoffing at
that, with their 48-degree weeks. For goodness sake, SYDNEY has had it hotter
recently, but I think we can all agree that hot is hot and once it gets above a
certain temperature, everything else is gravy. Disgustingly hot, absolutely
gross gravy.
So here are my top 10 tips for keeping cool
this summer:
10. Step 1, empty fridge, step 2, get in
fridge, step 3, close door.
9. Create a shirt
made from icepacks. For best results, make three and use on a rotating roster.
8. Wet the bottom
of your feet before bed. My feet are always the hottest part of me (bow chicka
wow wow) and when it’s so damn hot I can’t sleep, it helps if I wet the soles
and put the fan on really high. Is this weird? Is hot feet not a thing? Nothing
to see here -move along.
7. Come visit me
in Dalby. I have air-conditioning in my lounge room. Sure, it’s a long drive
just for air-conditioning but you’re getting me as well. What a bargain.
6. Have an ice
bath. Not just a trend amongst the medical profession in Victorian England, ice
baths are now a fashionable way to stay cool whilst treating maladies such as
“crooked backs”, “sickly dispositions”
and “tuberculosis”.
5. Befriend a
person with a pool. You may have to perform sexual favours but isn’t it worth
it? Isn’t it?
4. Move to
England. Didn’t you see they had snow the other day? They also think 28 degrees
is a heat wave. Bless.
3. Get a cushy
office job with air-conditioning. Most dedicated employee ever.
2. Don’t do
anything. Ever. Never leave the house. It’s better this way. What’s outside
anyway? Only death. Not worth it.
1. Be this guy:
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