Top Ten Ways to not Die of Heat this Summer

So unless you’ve been living in an ice-cave for the last few weeks, you know Australia has been experiencing the hottest summer like… ever. Even if you are currently overseas, you’ve heard about it through constant facebook updates like these:

“just walked outside, worst mistake of my life”

“Something smells good. I think my neighbours are cooking something… or it might just be me.”

“Send help”

“omg”

Etc.

Dalby has been having consistently hot days, usually above 35 degrees, with little to no relief overnight. The water coming out of our taps is hot, my car is an oven on wheels now, things are just spontaneously catching fire. 

like that time the sky was on fire

The hottest day we’ve had so far reached 41, it was 37 yesterday. I know, I know, people who live out west are scoffing at that, with their 48-degree weeks. For goodness sake, SYDNEY has had it hotter recently, but I think we can all agree that hot is hot and once it gets above a certain temperature, everything else is gravy. Disgustingly hot, absolutely gross gravy.

So here are my top 10 tips for keeping cool this summer:

10.            Step 1, empty fridge, step 2, get in fridge, step 3, close door.

9.              Create a shirt made from icepacks. For best results, make three and use on a rotating roster.

8.              Wet the bottom of your feet before bed. My feet are always the hottest part of me (bow chicka wow wow) and when it’s so damn hot I can’t sleep, it helps if I wet the soles and put the fan on really high. Is this weird? Is hot feet not a thing? Nothing to see here -move along.

7.              Come visit me in Dalby. I have air-conditioning in my lounge room. Sure, it’s a long drive just for air-conditioning but you’re getting me as well. What a bargain.

6.              Have an ice bath. Not just a trend amongst the medical profession in Victorian England, ice baths are now a fashionable way to stay cool whilst treating maladies such as “crooked backs”,  “sickly dispositions” and “tuberculosis”.

5.              Befriend a person with a pool. You may have to perform sexual favours but isn’t it worth it? Isn’t it?

4.              Move to England. Didn’t you see they had snow the other day? They also think 28 degrees is a heat wave. Bless.

3.              Get a cushy office job with air-conditioning. Most dedicated employee ever.

2.              Don’t do anything. Ever. Never leave the house. It’s better this way. What’s outside anyway? Only death. Not worth it.

1.              Be this guy:

Source

Weather with you

Weather happens every god damn day, whether you want it to or not. Whether you weather the weather or whether you don’t, it’s always there. And yet we humans talk about the weather like it’s going out of fashion. Or more accurately, like it’s the height of fashion.  We can’t get ENOUGH of weather talk. It’s too cold, it’s so hot, can’t get over the frost this morning, did you hear we’re in for a storm? What’s with these clouds, eh?

There are a million, million jokes about talking about the weather; it’s the cliché, the standard filler, only boring people talk about weather. For some people it’s highly relevant; farmers, fishers, tornado hunters – they all need to know, discuss and go on about it. But what the fuck are the rest of us doing?

Sure, it’s easy small talk, the kind of stuff you can pull out with coworkers you don’t know that well, or neighbours, vaguely related family members and members of religious faiths who won’t get off your doorstep, but I think it’s more than that.

Since moving from my hometown, almost every single member of mine and Boyfriend’s families have mentioned that they look at the weather forecast for Dalby on a regular basis. We’re no longer in town, no longer united by Brisbane weather, so they keep an eye on our weather. There’s no logic to this, if it’s cold here, they aren’t going to call us up and remind us to wear a scarf, but they just like to know. I still check the Brisbane weather all the time; it’s comforting in a weird way.

I think we talk about the weather because it’s one of the few observable, unambiguous things that unites us. No one can say whether we all experience life in the same way; do we love the same way, hate the same way, find the same things funny? How can we be sure that other people even think the same way, or about the same things as us? We can’t. But we sure as hell all know what it’s like to get rained on, to feel hot, to scream and then giggle at our own fear when lightning strikes a little too close for comfort.

So every morning, you probably look up the forecast online, or catch it on the news. You probably make a comment about it to someone you live with. Failing all that, you at least stand on your front steps and judge whether or not you’re going to need a cardi. And once you’ve gleaned this information, you probably go to work or uni or whatever, and mention it to someone there. “I thought it was going to be freezing this morning, but now I’m boiling, damn it I did not need this cardi!” And in your mind you might think, “geez what a boring conversationalist I am” – but remember, you’re just connecting yourself to the rest of humanity. All you’re doing is saying “LOOK I AM JUST LIKE YOU. WE ARE THE SAME. HOW SHIT IS SWEAT?!” You’re just participating in the great small talk of life, and there’s nothing so wrong with that.

What’s with these clouds, eh?