Valentine’s Advice from your smug partnered friend

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of a big tub of ice cream must be in want of a Valentine.

However little known the feelings or views of such a girl may be on her first entering a pub, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding women, that her happiness is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of her partnered friends.

Yes even if such a lady SAYS she’s happy being single; she secretly wants us coupled ladies to help her find love. On a daily basis. So, with this in mind, I have compiled a list of tips for this Valentine’s Day.

1.     Being in a relationship is the most important thing in the world. Don’t even TRY to find happiness in your work, hobbies, or interests – they are meaningless. Meaningless.

2.     Dating is really easy. Sure, *I* haven’t done it in years, but if you’re not good at it there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

3.     Have sex with as many people as possible, it will make you feel good about yourself and is also a good way to lose weight. Nothing.

4.     Don’t have sex with every guy you meet, that’s just slutty.

5.     I don’t know; work out some sort of percentage. Maybe like 70%? What am I? A mathematician?

6.     You are free to date whoever you want, after they have been through a rigorous testing process coordinated by myself and your mother. We are definitely in cahoots.

7.     How did I end up in such a sickeningly perfect relationship? Oh, just luck I guess. You? You should not rely on luck. Really desperately and actively seek a relationship so that you can be happy like me.

8.     The key to a good relationship is open and honest communication. So it is important to make a note of all the lies you tell him now, so you can keep track of them.

9.     The aforementioned lies should just be little things. Like your age, your income, your hopes, dreams, desires and most important of all, your interests. It is important to pretend to like all the stuff guys like so they don’t get bored when talking to you.

10. I mention my boyfriend up to 38 times an hour in an attempt to encourage you to get one too.

11. Wear lots of make up all the time. No! You’re beautiful! I’m just saying guys are really into stuff like hair and make up, they really notice when you make an effort in the morning. Seriously.

12. You just have to be patient. Mister Right is out there for you too, and other clichés.

13. There is nothing wrong with being alone on Valentine’s Day, really. You know what you should do? You should organise a big girls’ night out! Just us girls!

14. Oh no, The Boy won’t mind, we have plans during the day. Oh I won’t bore you with the details but let’s just say it involves champagne and ponies and a hot air balloon and cheese you’ve never heard of and also gourmet figs and a puppy. At the same time.

15. Yeah! Let’s get really drunk! Who needs men right?! *smug smile*

16. Tequila!

17. Dancing! Let’s dance sexily… together haha just kidding.

18. You should kiss that guy! No really.

19. Just kiss him Sarah.

20. Go over there and do as you are fucking told.

21. Because I said so.

22. Haha see that was fun wasn’t it?!

23. Let’s sing female power ballads!

24.  I’m a survivor I’m gonna make it I will survive keep on surviving!

25. Do you wanna make out with me? Jokes!

26. What do you MEAN you want to leave?! Party party! Wear a pink plastic hat, Sarah it will make you feel better.

27. Put on the hat Sarah.

28. Tequilaaaaa!

29. No, seriously. No shh, shhh just listen. I envy you. I really do. You’re so free. Sometimes I wish I was single.

30. Can someone call my boyfriend and get him to pick me up? I just spewed in my shoes.