Resolution Schmesolution

Ergh. A New Year's resolution - now if that isn't a depressing realisation of failure waiting to happen nothing is. I never make them. I think when I was younger I once tried to be "nicer" but ultimately kids, you have to be true to yourself.

However, suddenly I find myself accidentally making these resolutions. I'll just suddenly say to someone "you know what I'm going to do this year?" and they inevitably make that face we all make when someone says something like this. You know the face? The one that says "don't show any doubt, be supportive, what?! as if he'll EVER keep that one, he loves cocaine"

Now first of all, as a Brisbane-ite and New Farm local the first resolution I intend to make (and it's not so much a "New Year" as a "life" resolution) is to only ever buy really tall houses on hills. And to own a life raft. And insure with Suncorp.

But seriously, I made the decision to start karate classes this year. Why? I don't know! It just came out of my mouth one day and suddenly it's happening. I have no physical skill and I hate hard work. I know nothing about martial art; I recently told someone that I would have to buy "the pajamas and the teeth" before I started. I'm terrified of trying to break a plank of wood with anything other than a power-tool (and even then). I can't even sit upright, let alone do the splits. I JUST HAD TO THINK ABOUT WHAT 'THE SPLITS' WAS CALLED: That thing when your legs are out straight... you know the thing, that flexible thing that you can't do. 


The other accidental resolution I've made... and this is the one that is relevant to you if you are reading this, is to try to write something; anything for at least 10 minutes every day this year. Starting yesterday. I have an idea for a play, and one for a webseries and I have about 3 other things that I've started and not finished. However, I wasn't specific in my resolution making (because I'm so lazy I'll even try to trick myself) and now I suspect that whenever I can't be bothered to write an actual thing, I will write a blog. Probably about how sore I am from these stupid karate classes I should never have taken.


So strap yourselves in children, it's going to be an exciting 2 weeks!

L

Hello, we're here to talk to you about Jesus...

... turns out, he's not real and we've got to get round to everyone by Christmas before we all embarrass ourselves for another year.


Alas. If only that is what happened. What actually happened is that at precisely 5 minutes after I should have left the house for work, two people of the Jehovah's Witness persuasion knocked on my door. At first, I ignored the little timid knock in the hope that whoever it was would leave me alone. But then, of course, I had to leave. So, to the door went I to find two rather timid individuals retreating down my front steps. Boo, if only I'd waited another minute. They looked like rabbits caught in the headlights, kind of disappointed to see me - as if they too were secretly hoping we could avoid this whole awkward interchange. But no, of course, I went and opened the door didn't I?

Important contextual information:

I am an atheist - in the sense that I do not believe in a god of any kind
I am culturally insensitive, and have Tibetan prayer flags over my door (cut me some slack, I live in New Farm)
I was raised to be overly polite to Jehovah's Witnesses (I don't know why - dad always invites them in for coffee and everything)

So there I am, framed in my shitty New Farm doorway, wreathed in Tibetan prayer flags.

Me: "Hello"
JW: "Hi, I'm here to talk to you about Jesus"

Ok. That's not true. I think she said she was doing community work, and had a pamphlet for me about contentment, or happiness or something.

Me: "Thanks, but I already have my own belief system and I'd rather not read about yours"
JW: "No problem, thanks for your honesty"

AH. LIKE A DAGGER IN MY FACE. She totally knew I was lying! She stared into my heathen eyes and knew I was a  big fat liar.

And then of course I had to awkwardly leave the house, and awkwardly follow them up the street as they tried the next few houses. I wasn't stalking them or anything, I walk to work. Promise.


But now that I sit here, in blogging repose, it occurs to me that I wasn't lying. I do have a belief system. It is that religions are fine until you're on someone else's doorstep handing out pamphlets. I mean surely, if you can fit even just the key beliefs of your religion into a pamphlet then your religion needs to take a good hard look at itself? Maybe it's because I was raised a Catholic, but if I became religious I'd want a faith that covered all bases - with a friggen library of information on really specific issues: "what our religion thinks about having sex before marriage if it's with someone that you really like and is protected and you thought about it pretty hard before hand and you're not even drunk or anything - well you were when you hooked up but not now - and you really want to and your friends think they're nice.

I'm too arrogant to be religious: when things go my way I like to think it's because I'm AWESOME not because they were preordained, or because I'm blessed, or lucky, or full of good karma. In my opinion (and I'm being serious), religions take away from how awesome people are sometimes. And they certainly don't explain how shit people are some other times.


In conclusion, unless you've got a pamphlet on the ways I am awesome, I'm not interested. K. Thx. Bai,